HONOR THY SON
September 2000

The 4th Commandment, I was taught, talks of honoring your father. This is a command, not a recommendation. This is a command originating from a male God. It was not meant to comfort. Disobedience had serious consequences. This command emanated from the God of the Abrahamic tradition. This is the tradition that has given form to the predominant ideas of Western civilization.

There is a light and dark side of this commandment, of this idea, of this tradition. The Abrahamic God demanded total loyalty, to his laws and to his wishes. This sense of obedience to a strong, guiding male was arguably a big step in the development of a man and of the culture of mankind. To sons, the impact is profound and often positive. To daughters and women the dark side has been devastating. But I need to speak about sons and the effect of this commandment.

During the early years of a son, obedience needs to be total. Because the ego of the young boy is so fragile, the wisdom of the father must prevail in all the son's actions. The father demands obedience in order to give protection from the foolish, even deadly, decisions of the son. The son borrows the father's ego strength in order to survive. Deviance from the father's commands could be dangerous, not only to the son, but to the community.

Later, borrowing strength from the father involves benefiting from the experience of a long chain of fathers, while following a father wisdom that eliminates untold mistakes and detours. Even later, obedience allows the most sacred parts of a culture to be imparted from generation to generation. This kind of obedience to parental injunctions is much of what continues culture and makes us human.

Obedience is the hallmark of a patriarchy, and patriarchy, both good and bad, comprises most of our conscious history. Obedience also provides a great deal of our unconscious masculine motivation. We are deeply motivated, as men, to find and follow a father. Top down is the natural order. Even the sacred comes from the top down. The patriarchal culture says that the goal of a son is to be a father, a father who is then obeyed. The goal of this scenario is for a son to be just like his father, in a generational chain that values stability and enduring structure and constant values.

There is little cultural room in a patriarchy for a man who does not want to be like his father and take part in this structure. That man is vilified in some way as to impugn his masculinity. For those men who have worthy fathers, and who are called to work similar to their fathers, the system works very well. For other men, the dark side of the patriarchy becomes very real. Their choices, in not following the patriarchal pattern, bring the kind of response that eats away at soul and spirit.

This dark side of the patriarchy, also emanating from the 4th commandment, needs to be exposed, brought to light, and changed, without undercutting the good of honoring one's father. Otherwise, the shadow lurks hidden and destructive.

I propose a new commandment, a commandment that has as wide a reach as the first. For some it might just be an addendum to the first. I do not wish to be blasphemous. The point is that light needs to be shown on the shadow of this ancient commandment, because much of our culture resides in this shadow, a part of culture that is man made and is not sacred.

I propose that this new commandment be: Honor Thy Son.

For the beginning of a son's life the traditional 4th commandment seems to hold. A son needs to imbibe the lessons and values of the father, if not the father culture. A father is the main conduit for a man's understanding of the culture he is born into. Hopefully the father filters the cultural message through his own hard won values. The father shows his love by holding the ideal for his own son's manhood, as well as the confidence that the son can reach that goal.

However, as the son grows older, the father needs to start changing his role. He needs to start following this new commandment. The good father needs to start looking for and showing respect for the unique life of the son. This respect would entail the support of a son's life direction, a direction that does not necessarily mirror that of the father. Respect would mean listening more and talking less. Respect would entail looking at traditional values from a new perspective, the perspective of the son, the perspective of the next generation. Honor would mean respecting the sacred calling of the son, instead of confusing patriarchal obedience with the sacred. Honor would also mean acknowledging that the sacred comes also through the son, also through the child.

In other words, fathers have to give up the need to be honored, especially if honor means obedience, especially if honor means replication. Sons do not owe their fathers. Fathers owe their sons. A good father knows this. A good father knows it is an honor to have a son. It is an honor to nurture the next generation.

Honor Thy Son.

This commandment is more applicable once a father has given his all to a son, his attention, guidance, and recognition. Then he must step back in humility, knowing that his son will take a different way, possibly an alien way.

Today, the baby boomers are a sandwich generation. Most of us have living fathers. Most of us have sons full of life. I have talked of how impressed I am that baby boomers are changing the face of fatherhood by actively taking part in our children's lives. We are not done, yet, guiding our sons. We are still trying to fight the urge to replicate ourselves. Our sons still need us. Yet we are close to having to step back. By wisely and lovingly stepping back we are close to again restructuring for our culture what it means to be a father.

Some of us are already handing much of our fathering over to mentors, those men who are helping our sons' transition to men. These second fathers give us a way, if we use them well, to step back. They give us the opportunity to start honoring our sons without all the pressure of guiding. They also give us space to go through the grieving of seeing a cherished time of life pass.

Our sons will still need us as fathers, past teenage years and through most of the first half of their lives, but in a way that is less about teaching skills and more about instilling confidence and courage. They especially need us to keep listening to them. They especially need us to keep honoring them.

Larry Pesavento, Copyright © 1999, 2000  

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