LOVE AND LOYALTY]
May 2000
Love and loyalty. These are two words that are seamlessly connected for men. Maybe it's because hunting was such a dangerous way of life. For tens of tousands of years men bet their life on the loyalty of other men, in the hunt and later, in battle. Loyal friendship meant more than sharing a good time or finding a good teammate. It meant life itself, for a man and for his family.
Maybe loyalty is so vital for a man because he has experienced, through his ancestors, that the responsibility of his family weighed too heavily on him alone. He came to realize that the prosperity and safety of his family was dependent on the allies he could find, who would place their destiny with his.
Maybe loyalty is so crucial to a man because he learned from a deeper consciousness that extended family was the most natural form of community, providing an efficiency and security that kept his fears at bay. Extended family gave him brothers and sisters who would look out for him on dark, winter nights when food was running out. Extended family gave him solace, and some cheer and partners in the rituals of life.
I have been struck more and more lately with how loyal men are, especially towards their families. In spite of the talk of absent fathers, in many good ways we are our fathers' sons. To our fathers, loyalty meant finding a good job, even if it wasn't appealing,, even if it was downright repugnant. To them, going to work every day, at the expense of their own dreams and desires, meant loyalty and love. We may sometimes wonder whether our fathers loved us less because they were not around much, or were exhausted when they were. I think they loved us no less. They were showing their love in extraordinary ways through their loyalty. Like male initmacy in general, they were showing their love through their actions, as they were unsure of the power of words and emotional gestures.
Modern men also show their love through loyalty and are often shocked when that loyalty is missed or minimized. That shock is one constant that we share with our fathers. Even today, as men show their love through loyalty, their work and motivation is often dismissed as patriarchal selfishness. Even today, as more men not only bear a great deal of financial burden, but also give of their time to their children in ways our fathers may not have, these acts of love are misperceived.
That is not to say that women do not shoulder many family burdens, too. But women get that recognition for their love. It is as if a woman's act for family is automatically loving, while a man's is often suspect. To be sure, some men use family as an excuse for their own aspirations and even greed. But, I suspect, they are in a small minority. I see so many more men who have sacrificed their own dreams for the dreams of their children and family, just like our fathers did.
I don't feel that the need to sacrifice, painfully sacrifice, one's identity should be part of fatherhood. That notion is a flawed part of our cultural philosophy. But sacrifice for men today, like our fathers' sacrifices, needs to be seen in the context of masculine love. And this love grows out of a man's view of what loyalty is all about. I have talked with so many men who have stayed in a loveless marriage, in loyalty to their children. This is love. I have also seen many a man stay in a marriage to a disrespectul wife, in loyalty to the very person who dismisses him. In its own way, this is his love.
I suspect that many men fall out of love with their wife because these men see their wives as disloyal. These men feel like their wives have not kept up their end of the partnership, by their actions for the family. They are also deflated when their partner criticizes them for not saying the romantic words or not showing enough loving emotion. Besides not feeling appreciated for their acts of loyalty, these men feel betrayed by an ally. The analogy, for a man, is the locker room, where a team that has lost morale and purpose, starts blaming teammates for defeat. That is not a good teammate. That is not loyalty, even if the team has not been successful. That is a breach of loyalty that cuts very deep for a man.
There is much more to love than loyalty. But there is no love without loyalty. The actions of consistent loyalty in acting for the good of others, often involvng one's own pain, is a kind of masculine love that needs to be honored. It is not flowery. It involves more action that emotion. In fact, the action often needs a focus that precludes much emotion. Loyalty is a connection between human beings that creates community. This is a part of community that men know well. This is a part of community that men do well.
Larry Pesavento, Copyright © 1999, 2000
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Revised:12 Nov 2004
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A continuing series of articles about men's issues
Larry Pesavento is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, "In 1993 I started a men's center to help initiate a dialogue about how a man in this confusing, elderless world can find a sense of identity, place and pride. I had been counseling men for close to 25 years and learned a lot from their struggles as well as my own. I then decided to write a book about the internal journey that a man must take in order to find a sense of peace and generativity. I felt called to write a book to share what I learned as part of my own journey and struggle with manhood. I will be publishing chapters from this book monthly, along with thoughts that pop up during the month. Thoughts may come from my practice, from the chapter of the book highlighted that month, from my own life, or maybe from the lives of readers that e-mail me." For more info about Larry Pesavento, visit his web-site, http://www |
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