THE CENTERFOLD SYNDROME
March 2000
The Centerfold Syndrome seems to be pandemic. I know I am afflicted with it. It sometimes goes in remission, seemingly terminated. Other times, the syndrome will flare up and I feel terminally infected. Its seems that it will stay with me as long as I am this side of the lawn. I know it won't kill me. I also know at one time I thought it a blessing not a curse. Now, it's different. Maybe the bug mutates as men get older. Now I am bothered , and yes sickened, by its insertion into my life.
Gary Brooks describes the symptoms for this syndrome in a book by the same name. He talks of men who are "too voyeuristic, too objectifying of women's bodies, too competitive for sexually attractive women, too needy of validation through sexuality, and too fearful of emotional intimacy." The poster people for this syndrome are the "airbrushed fantasies" in 'girlie' magazines and the beautifully hairbrushed fantasies used in the marketing of sex, and whatever gets you sex.
The problem is finding an antidote that doesn't kill the libido along with the syndrome. I would like a cure that is better than the disease. I would also like to find people who take this disease seriously. You see, many will ask me wha's my point. These include some in the mental health, as well as the New Age psychic health, field. These are only fantasies, they say. Don't be a prude, or worse, don't be morally self-righteous. Well morality has little to do with my dilemma. This has to do with my own journey for peace with myself and a fuller relationship with my beloved. This also has to do with my remaining fears of intimacy.
I feel good, rather than righteous, that I have been able to drop out of competition for women. To tell the truth I have never been really tempted to have a trophy gilfriend or wife. That trophy always seemed way too pricey, financially and emotionally. Besides I never had the motivation to do what it took to get one. But I do admit to feeling proud in the past to having a beautiful woman on my arm.
The problem is much more subtle for me now. I just can't fully get rid of the software program that keeps drawing me into fantasy and away from the person I want to be with. I never bought this program. I never asked for it. It seemingly came like a virus and burowed into my hardware when I was an adolescent. Hormones don't explain it. They explain the drive, not the fantasy.
I'm pissed that I have to spend time fighting them. I would just accept them as a daily pleasant diversion, a kind of mid-day quickie, if they enriched my love life. But they donÕt seem to enrich any part of my life that I truly value. They surely don't lead me into more personal relationships with women. I just can't seem to buy into the idea that these fantasies are harmless. Bernie Zilbergeld, the author of the book The New Male Sexuality, says, "As long as the fantasizing isn't interfering with your relationship, your work, and the normal chores of life, I can't see how it is a problem." That is true. The thing is, how many of us really question how much these fantasies do interfere. I am jealous of the man who can use them well and enjoy them.
I am convinced that a healthy relationship between a mature man and a mature women can debug this software. I can feel that happening in me. And that is even helping in my counseling. But if I am a healer as a counselor, I am still a wounded healer. I am still struggling mightily to be the person I ask others to be. I am also struggling to be the person my beloved should expect me to be.
I can't believe how long this has taken and continues to take. As a young adult I thought a man in his 50's wouldn't have to worry about sexual fantasies. He would either be too old to be interested, or too preoccupied with wills and the hereafter. Yet here I am still stuck with 20 year old, retread pictures in my head. And still bombarded with sexual images of women, old enough to be my daughter, that echo old forgotten, lustful ones.
Ulysses, the Greek hero, metaphorically wrestled with fantasy, and the temptation away from his authentic path, throughout the Odyssey. At one point he came upon the Sirens on his sea journey. He had heard of their heavenly, seductive singing. It was sailor lore. He saw in the distance, on an island, the head and shoulders of beautiful women. However, he was warned by a goddess, a symbol of the golden mother, that these women lured men to the island, taking advantage of their sexual fantasies, and tore them up with the vicious claws that comprised their hidden, lower bodies. Homer knew about sexual fantasy.
Ulysses was married to the faithful and beautiful Penelope, whom he loved. Now Ulysses was wily, but also upright, for the most part. Yet he wanted to fully experience the Siren's song. He bade his crewmen to stop up their ears with wax and then tie him to the mast. He floated, guided by his oblivious crewmen, hearing of the Siren's lyrical promises of sexual fulfillment and increased wisdom, in songs that brought tears of frustration to his eyes.
Eventually, Ulysses returned to faithful Penelope. But I wonder. Ever after, did memories of the Siren's song bring a smile to his lips? Or did they continually call him back, echoing in his thoughts and memories? Did he look back on the experience, as an older man, with pride? Or did he realize it
Larry Pesavento, Copyright © 1999, 2000
E-mail:
Web-site: http://www.christoscenter.com
CHRISTOS - A Center for Men
9 EAST 12TH STREET
COVINGTON, KY 41011
TheMensCenter MENSIGHT
Back to THOUGHTS Home Page
Web site authored by James R. Bracewell
Copyright © 1998 by The Men's Resource Network, Inc./TheMensCenter.com. All rights reserved.
Revised:12 Nov 2004
|
A continuing series of articles about men's issues
Larry Pesavento is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, "In 1993 I started a men's center to help initiate a dialogue about how a man in this confusing, elderless world can find a sense of identity, place and pride. I had been counseling men for close to 25 years and learned a lot from their struggles as well as my own. I then decided to write a book about the internal journey that a man must take in order to find a sense of peace and generativity. I felt called to write a book to share what I learned as part of my own journey and struggle with manhood. I will be publishing chapters from this book monthly, along with thoughts that pop up during the month. Thoughts may come from my practice, from the chapter of the book highlighted that month, from my own life, or maybe from the lives of readers that e-mail me." For more info about Larry Pesavento, visit his web-site, http://www |
TheMensCenter MENSIGHT THOUGHTS
|
