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J. Steven Svoboda is a member of TheMensCenter Advisory Council, an Independent attorney active in human rights law and Executive Director of Attorneys for the Rights of the Child (ARC).
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By J. Steven Svoboda... |
By By Jed Diamond. New York: John Wiley & Sons, Inc.
Jed Diamond is a mensch’s mensch. He understands why men neglect and even abuse their bodies because he has been there, and he cares enough for the rest of us (and for himself!) that he is devoting his life and career to promoting our health. I have attended men’s conferences graced by the presence of Jed and his wife Carlin and have been lucky enough to get to know them both a little bit. In fact, the reason I finally got around to reviewing this book is a lingering sense of guilt that it was sent to me two years ago but never made it out of my review stack until now.
Whatever my motivation, I’m glad I finally got around to it. The Whole Man Program blew my socks off. It forced me to confront the ways in which I fail to promote my own health, despite always considering myself to be in good health for my age. For probably the first time in my life, a single book has convinced me to consider and probably work on at least five or six different areas of change in my life. It compelled me to look at the possibility that depression has played a role in my life. (Depression, Jed points out, can manifest as grumpiness.) Jed’s joyous description of his decades-old men’s group prompted me to overcome a year of hesitation and take steps to find a men’s group for myself. He has brought to my attention the importance of safeguarding and improving my marriage.
The author has talked me into overcoming my resistance to improving my eating. And Jed introducing me to wilderness maven Tom Brown, whose survival courses are really courses in mastering life. Just when I thought there was no other issue left to bring out as related to men’s health, Jed pulled out a new topic (jobs, men’s groups, relationships), and fully justified his inclusion of it within his justly expansive definition of men’s health. In reading The Whole Man Program, I had to admit that despite my always considering myself to be in great shape for a 44-year-old man, I follow a number of less than ideal health practices. I would guess that even most of the men reading this magazine have at least one significant health area in which they could better safeguard their health.
Curious what are ten key factors that contribute to men’s loss of health as they age? Relative to women, we are less likely to practice self-care, have worse diets, are more often overweight, are less physically active, drink and use drugs more, engage in more risk-taking, engage in more violence, have fewer social supports, have higher job risks and suffer more when we lose our jobs, and see doctors less often. So why do we act this way? Jed has answers from his own life and experience, and also a list of 14 key factors: 1. We don’t know the facts of life. 2. Taking care of ourselves is seen as unmanly. 3. We learn to deny and ignore all pain. 4. Illness equals weakness equals unmanliness. 5. We’re afraid of giving up control. 6. We are secretly proud of our wounds. 7. Parental training encourages us to suppress our emotions. 8. Kids in the neighborhood enforce unhealthy gender roles. 9. Experiences in the locker room teach us to feel bad about our bodies. 10. Males in the media teach us to be “strong and silent.” 11. Guys at work learn to die like real men. (I appreciated the author’s emphatic mention of the risks garbagemen undergo; I knew it was the most dangerous job but didn’t realize refuse collectors are 2.5 times more likely to be killed on the job than police officers!) 12. Females help reinforce our tough guy image. 13. Mating strategies make men risk their health. 14. Shame is the main barrier to men’s health.
Shame gets the next chapter all to itself, and it’s a gem of a piece of writing about an awkward subject of which most of us guys are probably, well, ashamed. I appreciated the detailed discussion of the wound caused by childhood circumcision and how that is an initial shame of our bodies that also begins a process of taking the “wild” out of us.
Regarding food, I learned that complex carbohydrates with a high glycemic index (GI) are more likely to turn to fat. Jed provides a helpful tabulation of the GI of some common foods. We learn that baked potatoes and white rice are relatively unhealthy relative to sweet potatoes, spaghetti, and brown rice, which have much lower GI’s. Jed’s acknowledgement of how “devilishly difficult” it is for us as men to consistently eat what we know is better for us helps dissolve the shame and clear the way for us to actually “dig in” to a healthier diet.
Many readers will appreciate the detailed discussion of testosterone replacement therapy and the test on pp. 114-115 to help test for signs of possible testosterone deficiency. Jed addresses depression as a silent killer of men that is greatly undiagnosed in men since it tends to manifest differently in us than it does in women. Anger, he notes, is often an expression of depression turned outward.
Jed describes in a few deft paragraphs an astonishing crisis moment in his life in which he reacted with great anger to his second wife by ramming his hand into a wall, badly breaking six bones. The story is told with such detail and honesty that no one can fail to understand why Jed reacted this way nor to empathize with him. Yet I doubt that many of us will feel that what he did was right; certainly it did not promote his health. Jed compassionately ties these emotions into larger issues. “Anger, hurt, and fear are expressions of love. They are just incomplete expressions.”
The author also has some words of wisdom regarding our crucial need for connection with a life partner. “Developing, maintaining, and growing with an intimate relationship is the graduate school of life.” So here’s how we can do this: nourish our relationships, nourish ourselves, nourish our relationships with friends and community, listen to pain we hear in our relationships and act on what we hear, learn the difference between being receptive and being reactive, learn to listen with attention and care whether or not we agree with what is being said, learn to listen to our partner’s emotions without being overwhelmed, focus on what we want and not on what we don’t want, seek help from a specialist for chronic relationship pain, and perhaps hardest of all for some of us, be patient!
The author saves both best and most challenging for the last section of his book. I thought I was pretty comfortable receiving nurturing from men, but I have I realized my own resistances (some of which I share with the author) when I read Jed’s description of his male friend who nurtured and cared for him when he was quite sick, including giving him a massage. A couple pages later, I had to admit that I would feel discomfort with what Jed described as one of the most memorable times in his men’s group, when they all took off their clothes and describes what they liked about each other’s bodies. The author comments, “I had thought that only women had problems with body image.” Jed closes by presenting an eight-week program that will allow us to work on improving our health. He encourages us to be patient with ourselves and give ourselves extra time if we need it. At the same time, he offers us the opportunity of being able to discuss our experiences with him and with others, and to receive updates from him on how to live long and well. Truly, this is a book that keeps on giving even beyond its last humorous, insightful, instructive page.
J. Steven Svoboda ©2005
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