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J. Steven Svoboda is a member of TheMensCenter Advisory Council, an Independent attorney active in human rights law and Executive Director of Attorneys for the Rights of the Child (ARC).
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By J. Steven Svoboda... |
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By Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 2000.
Sherven and Sniechowski are hardly the first authors to create a book allotting one page for each day of the year and offering an inspirational message for each day. So why buy this book, especially if you, like me, are not particularly drawn to this sort of thing?
Here is why: These authors are so very, very good at everything they do, including this latest offering. The format is simple yet delightful. A thought-provoking saying appears at the start of each month. Each day's page contains two to four short paragraphs of philosophy and wisdom for that day, followed by a corresponding affirmation and finally by a closely related pithy quotation. Nearly all quotations were new to me, and many of them are delightful in their own right.
Partners in love and business for a solid dozen years, Jim and Judith are no sentimental fools. This book addresses countless subjects that would normally be omitted from a guide to loving well and yet are critically important to creating three-dimensional love. Working together for a worthy cause can bring you closer to your partner. (May 18) Real romance includes being grumpy. (June 5) Solitude is important to a relationship's success. (March 17) Developing a life plan is wise. (June 18) Doing chores can be an act of love. (August 23) Sharing with your partner memories of the insecure, dorky kid you used to be can help bring you closer. (September 24) Loving confrontation is one of intimacy's gifts. (September 17)
Sometimes Sherven and Sniechowski send their readers messages on issues which are downright disagreeable and yet no less important. When love dries up so that perhaps your marriage even seems to be over, this might be an opportunity for integration and further growth of your love. (June 29) Conflict in marriage or obstacles- -a job loss, a lawsuit--can defeat you or can make you stronger. (November 18) Verbal or physical violence violate both yourself and the love you claim to feel. (August 26) You can bring life to your love by discussing your feelings about death with your partner. (October 30). And don't forget to prepare financially for death. (April 15)
Sometimes the advice is surprising, contrary to much received wisdom about relationships. Marriage should come first, so that the children feel safe in a family unit in which the grown-ups respect themselves enough to put their needs first. (May 11) If you never quarrel, you're emotionally cheating on your relationship. (January 27 and September 5) Love the one you're with because being "in love" is make-believe. (August 4). Banish comparisons of yourself (and, presumably, your partner) with others. (June 11) Don't compromise to settle a fight but rather commit to finding a new way to be together that respects both of you and expands your relationhip. (October 20) Some differences are non-negotiable. (January 7) Fault-finding is an expression of fear, but constructive criticism can enhance love. (February 4) Sexual cheating is always the byproduct of both people's neglect of the relationship. (February 23) We may want to write down several of the ways our partner really bugs us, and then next to each item, describe how it's perfect for what we need to learn in response to it. (March 14)
"Opening to Love" contains a wealth of valuable insights. That indefinably wonderful feeling of oneness that many experience at the beginning of a relationship can return later, not in the same form, but in a deeper way if each parntner allows the other to have his or her own individuality, so that oneness can be reached through twoness. (May 1) Strange behavior is usually caused by scar tissue around one's heart. (July 21) Conflict, which is inevitable in imtimate relationship, opens you to deeper awareness of each other's vulnerabilities. (May 6) We get some clues about fitting our spiritual life in with our romantic life. (May 20) Nagging is a symptom of poor communication skills and is a form of self-sabotage. (September 9) Your partner cannot reject you; you are the only one with the power to truly reject yourself. (September 15)
Throughout, as in their previous book, Sherven and Sniechowski tirelessly cheerlead their readers toward deeper and greater love. Committed relationships can be difficult but you are the co-creator of yours, so don't give up! (April 6) To love well and wisely, use your head as well as your heart. (August 5) They forge a lovely metaphor of learning to see the world through our partner's telescope. (April 10) While it's easy to get caught up in daily life and feel separated from your partner, the truth is you live in each other's minds and hearts and are never apart. (February 26) "Fair Fighting 101" offers a welcome reprise of "The New Intimacy"'s central message. (July 16) In the early years of a relationship, your challenges may seem overwhelming; respond by taking one small step into love. (March 8) Do not place your love in competition with your partner's career. (September 2) Urges to change and renew one's life need not mean the relationship is ending but rather love can move us to expand and better ourselves and can move us beyond our imagination. (September 3) And don't forget to celebrate frequently (September 6) and to experiment with sacred sex (December 19).
Some of their wisdom approaches the succinctness of haiku or Zen koans. "You can only have the kind of love you believe in and work for." (December 21). "To love only the 'good' and 'nice' is to love not at all.... Make darkness your teacher, the source of humility and grace." (November 9) The following day may contain the book's core thesis: "Real romance waits for you every day when you stay open to all the ways you touch one another, even when you're apart." (November 10)
Every aspect of "Opening to Love" seems to have been carried out with loving attention to detail. Like previous offerings from Health Communications, the book is attractively produced, in a lovely cover and a variety of appealing typefaces, with high- quality binding designed to bend and flex for many decades of love.
Very occasionally, the authors lapse into advice that may strike some as silly, on how to write lovenotes to your partner (January 23), how to give your sweetie nicknames (October 7) or even on whispering sweet nothings to your partner (November 5). The occasional somewhat bizarre suggestion, such as the notion of competing for a day over which of you loves the other more, do not meaningfully detract from this delightful book's admirable combination of down-to-earth practicalities and soaring wisdom. At most, we may be reminded of the risks the authors are taking by passing through some of these less-travelled regions of the heart.
Maybe most of us can't realistically open to love every day of the year, but this book will help empower all but the most intransigent and most angelic of us to make a significant move in that direction. It is hard not to be moved by a husband-and-wife couple who--after lots of Saturday nights alone and two failed marriages--found each other in mid-life and can now write together: "It doesn't matter how many times you've failed at love.... All you need do is come to love again, opening to learn beyond the barren fields of your earlier days.... It isn't easy to come to love again and again.... Yes, come again. Love is waiting for you. Just hold out your hand. Love is waiting for you. Come again."
by J. Steven Svoboda © 2000
Opening to Love 365 Days a Year by Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D. Published by Health Communications, Inc., 3201 S.W. 15th Street, Deerfield Beach FL 33442, http://www.hci-online.com Authors may be contact at The New Intimacy, 12021 Wilshire Blvd. PMB 692, Los Angeles, CA 90025, , fax ,
, www.thenewintimacy.com .
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