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J. Steven Svoboda is a member of TheMensCenter Advisory Council, an Independent attorney active in human rights law and Executive Director of Attorneys for the Rights of the Child (ARC).
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By J. Steven Svoboda... |
The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences.
By Judith Shervin, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
Deerfield Beach, Florida: Health Communications, Inc., 1997.
This new book on relationships comes highly recommended. Written by a couple whose gender workshops have been highly praised, it has been selling remarkably well.
After having read a number of relationship books, I often wonder what else I can learn from the next offering. I must admit I found myself speculating about this as I read the first chapters of Sniechowski and Shervin's work. Their writing style is extremely fluent and yet not flashy. They offer some new spins and twists and perspectives on gender issues, and yet do not seem determined to impress the reader that theirs is THE book that will solve his or her relationship difficulties. Their understated approach is complemented by a straightforward structure and their frequent references to their theme of "the magic of differences."
Their book seems to thereby reinforce two of its central messages: (1) we will all do better for ourselves and our partners when we start paying greater attention to the charming subtleties life and relationship can offer us. (2) But we will only be able to do this after we free ourselves from the overly romantic expectation to be overwhelmed, to have love take us by force. Sniechowski and Shervin are reminding us that relationships require work. And play. And showing up with all the tools we have gained in a lifetime.
They advise us to make a conscious effort to see the romance in everyday events, and to take as little as possible for granted. In many different ways, they remind the reader that we cocreate relationship and can learn the most from the very conflicts and differences that seem so difficult. Moreover, in these contrasts lie the juice and inspiration we can feed to each other as together with our partner we cocreate a third thing greater than either of us.
Shervin and Sniechowski do have much wisdom to offer. In relationship, they tell us, innocence is not possible. Any conflict is cocreated by both partners, although not necessarily always in equal proportions. The chapter on "sacred trust" suggests that those of us hoping for unconditional trust before enough groundwork has been laid in the relationship are being unrealistic. Trust is not automatic, they advise, but must be cultivated and nourished by, among other things, showing as many parts of ourself to our partner as possible.
As the book continues, it becomes more and more practically oriented. The chapter on fair fighting seems particularly useful. Jim and Judith provide nine principles and eight rules of fair fighting. For example, speaking one's own truth is essential to fair fighting, as are listening with curiosity and concern, and keeping open to new possibilities.
The authors sprinkle their discussion with highly enjoyable stories demonstrating their points. Sometimes these feature couples whom they met through their work (with the usual name and detail changes) and sometimes the characters are the writers themselves in true stories from their own life together. I greatly enjoyed these concrete examples.
"The New Intimacy" enlivened me and helped me to feel more exuberance and fascination with differences that have arisen between me and my current partner.
I did have a couple of regrets. I found myself wanting to hear more about the authors' own experiences and, particularly, their struggles together. I also noticed that sometimes Jim and Judith referred to "spouses" and other times more generally to "partners." This may have resulted from an editing inconsistency, as nothing they said about "spouses" seemed specific to a wedded couple. Gay or bisexual readers might also appreciate at least an acknowlegement that the issues the writers are addressing are not necessarily confined exclusively to the heterosexual world.
Yet these are small points when set against the understated, modest, yet passionate magnificence of this book. Anyone who fails to read this book is missing an entertaining and instructive experience which has the potential to help steer the reader toward a lifetime of greater adventure, growth, and fulfillment in relationship.
©2000 J. Steven Svoboda
The New Intimacy by Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D. Published by Health Communications, Inc., 3201 S.W. 15th Street, Deerfield Beach FL 33442, http://www.hci-online.com Authors may be contact at The Magic of Differences, 12021 Wilshire Blvd. PMB 692, Los Angeles, CA 90025, , fax ,
, www.thenewintimacy.com .
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