 |
|
J. Steven Svoboda is a member of TheMensCenter Advisory Council, an Independent attorney active in human rights law and Executive Director of Attorneys for the Rights of the Child (ARC).
|
|
 |
By J. Steven Svoboda... |
Beginning Fatherhood: A Guide for Expectant Fathers. By Warwick Pudney and Judy Cottrell. Lane Cove, Australia: Finch Publishing Company, 1998. 166 pages. No price stated on book but available from UsedBookCentral.com or Abebooks.com for US $17.47. Also available from Alibris.com. Second edition scheduled to appear in late 2004. Review by Steven Svoboda
New Zealand father Warwick Pudney and his partner Judy Cottrell have written and Finch Publishing—in yet another success--has published what to my mind is far and away the best book ever written for expectant fathers. A couple years ago, while awaiting my son’s arrival, I ordered a number of the “pregnant father” books. Some were better than others, but none attained anything approaching the Zen-like conciseness and wisdom of “Beginning Fatherhood.”
Right off the bat, we realize that this book is a bit different, as we read the “7 points to becoming a father,” which bear repeating in full: 1. Get to know your own father. 2. Get some good supportive men around you. 3. Support, protect, and respect your woman. 4. Attend antenatal visits and be at the birth. 5. Claim your fatherhood—care for your baby. 6. Play with your baby, play with your partner. 7. Work less. Even more to the point, this list is shortly followed by two other fascinating tabulations, one of reasons to become a father and the other of reasons why the reader might not wish to become a father.
The authors proceed to spend much of the rest of their book elaborating on all seven of their points to becoming a father. Regarding communicating with your own dad, they note that when expecting his own child it is common for a father to feel a closer identity with his own Dad and to try to communicate with him. The writers offer explicit suggestions as to calling up your father in your memory and addressing him first in your imagination, regardless of whether he is still living or not. Pages 35-36 contain a fantastic “Fathers Past” worksheet where the reader is invited to recall and write down specific information about his father and grandfathers. What were Dad or Granddad good at? What were they passionate about? What antics did your father get up to as a kid? Who was his favorite musician? What was unique about him? These exercises may be all the more telling and important when, like me, you have a father about whom a lot of these questions are hard to answer. The reader is invited to list the things his father did to him that he doesn’t want to do to his own kids.
Regarding self-care, Pudney and Cottrell remind their readers that they are entitled to do a whole range of things regarding which new dads may feel some reluctance, including feeling fearful or tired, getting upset, worrying, having privacy and friends, eating well, and having a say over their baby’s care and future. Sounds simple, maybe even obvious, yet for myself I can say that virtually every concern they list turned up for me at some point or another during our son’s first months of life.
Pudney and Cottrell’s suggestions for making hospitals more father-friendly demonstrate thought and concern for Dads’ well-being and may provoke some useful thoughts in the reader. On pages 101-102 they provide a wonderful list of benefits a child can receive from its father (being held by Dad, feeling Dad’s arms and hands, having a father who can bathe, feed, nurse and change the child, etc.) though I was disappointed that the writers chose the legalistic formulation of “a new baby’s rights.” I was satisfied with the short but fairly thorough discussion of circumcision, which could have been improved only by a mention of the value of the intact tissue that is removed in the procedure.
In case you consider being a bit perturbed, as I was at first, by the need to include a female co-author in a book for expectant fathers, Cottrell takes the lead and effectively justifies her presence in the visionary, inspirational chapter “to mothers about fathers” but otherwise seemingly, and rightly, allows her partner to take the lead in addressing his fellow dads. A mother can help a father in many ways tabulated in this chapter, including encouraging him, accepting that he will do things differently, maintaining your friendship and loverhood, listening to your partner and his experiences, being patient, etc. Pudney and Cottrell end their book with a grand finale, an awe-inspiring list occupying five full pages of “hopes and dreams for my child” which might more accurately be described as a list of issues to be addressed in raising the child. Will the baby learn a musical instrument? Will Dad do things with the baby without asking “permission”? what foods will we feed our baby? Will we allow war toys? Gender-specific toys? While many of the issues mentioned here will be worked out through the passage of time and the daily to’s and fro’s of marriage and parenthood, reading through this list of choices that lie ahead may offer an overview of and preparation for the coming months and years.
As always with Finch, the book receives lovely production, with a beautiful cover picture of a father and a newborn baby, high quality paper and a pleasing typeface, and a very accessible, appealing layout.
This book will certainly not be ideal for everyone. Some may find it hard to connect with the authors’ somewhat implicit counter-cultural perspective. For example, many North American readers may find somewhat of a clash between their own sensibilities and those expressed in a nine-page chapter on “breastfeeding fathers” which unapologetically assumes the advisability of breastfeeding (which I personally fully endorse).
Others may find it too short in length to cover all topics in depth, though all books for expectant dads seem (rightly, in my view) to strive for readability and conciseness.
Anyone open-minded enough to take what the authors have to offer will find much of value. In fact, it is precisely Pudney’s and Cottrell’s focus on emotional, sexual, and self-care aspects of fatherhood which accounts for their book’s great usefulness. One can always figure out how to change a diaper; what can be much more elusive is devising the proper balance of work and family time and receiving information on how to seek out other men capable of supporting one in one’s new role
©2003 J. Steven Svoboda
|
|
 |
