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J. Steven Svoboda is a member of TheMensCenter Advisory Council, an Independent attorney active in human rights law and Executive Director of Attorneys for the Rights of the Child (ARC).
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By J. Steven Svoboda... |
Fathers After Divorce: Building a New Life and Becoming a Successful Separated Parent by Michael Green. Sydney, Australia: Finch Publishing, 1998. 306 pp. A$19.95. www.finch.com.au.
Michael Green, himself a separated father and Australian lawyer, has written and Finch Publishing has printed this top-notch, comprehensive book setting forth information in all the different areas likely to be confronted by a newly separated or divorced father. The author systematically walks the reader through all pertinent areas, from legal issues relating to divorce and custody, to repartnering and stepfamilies, and on through the entire gamut including touching on emotional issues of survival. Although this book is nominally geared to divorced dads in Australia, the issues faced in different countries are so similar, and most of the suggestions are general enough and sage enough that this work will assist a divorced father in any English-speaking first world country.
Green’s tone is just right: realistic and therefore pessimistic about some subjects, while at the same time always finding some kernels of hope and even inspiration hopefully capable of helping to carry the readers through the dark hours they are likely to confront. Occasionally, on those issues for which regrettably little realistic hope exists, the writer provides his own respectful and wise perspective on the best approach to preserve a man’s own sanity and self-respect as well as to best promote his children’s welfare.
I appreciated all the diverse yet functional ways Green breaks up “Fathers after Divorce” into bite-size chunks: one or two subject headings per page, a pungent, on-point cartoon by “Somerville” at the beginning of each chapter, a feature titled “The Big Picture” in each chapter, frequent compilations of “tips” on whatever the current topic is, chapter-ending checklist of questions and “positive thoughts and resolutions.”
Right off the bat, the book gives a list of six things done and six things not done by men who are successful at coping with separation. These men do talk about what they are going through and find a way to accept the changes in their lives. They set up a decent home and routine for themselves, establish a network of support, stay as close as possible to their kids, and accept some responsibility for what has occurred. On the other hand, they do not stay angry for too long, refuse to accept the changes, persist in blaming their ex-partner, or pull away from their kids. Possible sources of support are suggested: the workplace (tell your co-workers about what has happened), friends, men’s groups, professional support. However, the difficulty of the new position is not sugarcoated. The author tabulates the numerous adjustments, as the separated father typically loses his traditional role, must learn to care for his kids, lacks support, and must create a new home.
Green gives obviously hard-won advice on telling your children about the separation, answering their inevitable questions and calming their fears. He stresses the crucial need to accept divorce. Although it is understandable why a man might resist acceptance, continued resistance can keep him depressed and bitter and is likely to poison his relationship with his children. The writer advises that factors that can help make a divorce not only survivable but even sometimes a good thing include a willingness to accept it, communication and compromise, placing the children’s interests first, taking care of oneself, and working through guilt, blame and loss. Divorce can be good if it enables you to look at yourself and develop, to become a better father, to reflect and plan, and to create new relationships.
Green seems to have a knack for mentioning points that may seem obvious, though only after you read them! But this is the secret behind some great wisdom. And this is exactly what the newly divorced father needs, advice some of which maybe he could figure out for himself if only he weren’t in the situation he is in. For example, the author suggests that instead of using negative language referring to a “broken home,” that divorced dads mention their children having two homes. Instead of saying your ex-wife has custody and you used to have a family, talk about how you get to see your family of two children on weekends. This is part of avoiding the victim mindset. The writer does occasionally overstep, as when he somewhat whitewashes the damaged caused to children by divorce. This does not do anyone any favors. At the same time, the author makes a valid point that the worst problems suffered by children after a divorce may arise not from the separation per se but rather from nastiness between their parents.
Green’s advice is usually very grounded and sensible. Divorced dads should set appropriate limits with their children and not try to buy their affection. If the ex-wife tries to use the father’s desire to see his children as a way of manipulating money out of him, he must regretfully tell the kids he cannot see them that time, as such nonsense must be nipped in the bud or it will never stop. If the child does not want to see you, even if manipulation by the mother is probably responsible, the father should be as upbeat and nonreactive as possible. Fighting between parents must stop for the children’s sake.
The author seemingly thinks of everything, suggesting dads take breathing space before starting a new relationship, and offering twenty golden rules of stepfamilies. (Accept that stepfamily life is going to be tough for a while. Don’t compare yourselves unfavorably to the perfect happy family.) Keep a diary on contact and child support events, he counsels. Later he provides some cogent analysis of how courts take the easy way out in determining the “best interest” of the child, putting far too much stress on what is easiest in the short term. He has thought through a detailed proposal for eliminating the adversarial family court system except as a last resort. Nor is this a rabid dog sort of divorced fathers book. Green parcels out some tough yet fair wisdom about the need to make support payments; after all, they are YOUR children. Difficulties with the child support system are discussed in detail, as is the unfairness in permanently assigning the marital residence to the mother. “This ‘golden egg’ that she receives at the expense of the husband is worth much more than the ‘accomodation’ factor by which it is presently justified.” Why should one parent be impoverished to benefit the other when—since they are both parenting the children—they have the same accommodation needs?
Present also is a detailed chapter near the end of the book on self-care including physical and mental health. Green takes time to sketch out a number of different suggestions and organizing principles include reading books, reading the newspaper, writing, spending time in solitude, professional help, men’s group, gaining control, and developing self-reliance. This is one of those easy-to-underrate gems of a book—accessible, incisive, accurate, and comprehensive.
©2000 J. Steven Svoboda
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