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By J. Steven Svoboda... |
by Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski
Be Loved for Who You Really Are: How the Differences between Men and Women Can Be Turned into the Source of the Very Best Romance You'll Ever Know. By Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D. Los Angeles: Renaissance Books, 2001. 301 pages.
Today's premier husband-and-wife team of relationship experts have crafted their most moving, most richly detailed, and most comprehensive work to date. "Be Loved For Who You Are" is inspirational and practical, down-to-earth and idealistic, all at the same time.
Judith & Jim have just released their third and probably their best relationship book, following on the richly deserved success of "The New Intimacy" and "Opening to Love 365 Days A Year." Their new book lays out four principal stages or passages in the growth of a love relationship.
In the first passage, two people become as one, getting a tantalizing, enlivening, passionate glimpse of what is possible through love.
Inevitably, sooner or later, the "clash of differences" arrives as it becomes concretely obvious that two different people are present with different histories, distinct sensibilities, and unique needs. This stage can seem desperate and indeed is often the breaking point in budding love connections. Yet, Judith and Jim show it offers much opportunity for growth, particularly if we can learn to trust our anger and to use it "like a scalpel, cutting away obstacles to rowth and deeper intimacy."
In the third stage, the "magic of differences" emerges and the love relationship comes into palpable existence as a third participant along with the two individuals. In order for this to happen, we need only learn to cultivate fascination with and appreciation of differences rather than fear of it.
The fourth and final passage arises wholly from within each person, as he and she become sources of love, channels through which love is expressed in the world. Deep intimacy allows the couple to give back to the world the great wonderful teachings gleaned by each of them during their travels on the path of love. Each partner has learned to integrate the other's distinctiveness into the larger experience of being together so that there is a grace in the oneness of two different lives.
Judith & Jim provide some fascinating, creative exercises at the end of each chapter.
Underestimating the authors' masterful books is always a temptation since they write so smoothly and are so down-to-earth in their approach. "Be Loved for Who You Really Are" models their message by itself approaching the topic of love with wonderment and curiosity rather than pronouncements and stern advice. Other personal growth authors could learn much from this couple's humble, no-nonsense style.
Judith & Jim astutely caution the reader to avoid following in the footsteps of the many couples who, following old ideas, essentially manipulate their partner into marrying them by presenting a false front. "So, at the altar, their fear that they are unlovable is an unspoken part of their vows." They remind us that we must commit to the evolving, ever wondrous relationship, not to the other person. The relationship is a grand project which is much bigger than either of its human co-creators.
The authors include plenty of stories worth a thousand pictures each from their own lives and those of their friends and correspondents. As always, one of the strongest points of their work is their ceaseless, fearless, relentless cheerleading for love, which will jump out of the pages of their book to greet you.
"Be Loved for Who You Really Are"is packed with good humor, good sense, good ideas, and good stories. And it's delicately suffused throughout with a delightful layer of spiritual sensibility which informs every sentence in the book. In a moving closing passage, the authors plead on behalf of love: "Let me [love] come to you and I will. Sometimes I will visit you when you least expect it... I may come to you when you tuck your little one into bed or even when you're taking out the trash... And I certainly will be there when you are dancing, your heart radiating life and love. Let me come to you."
Let Judith & Jim come to you. Pick up their latest book and read it today if not sooner and tell your next date, your partner or your spouse that their love stock (and yours) is poised to go through the roof.
©2000 J. Steven Svoboda
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