About the author: Thirty years of front-line experience have helped Dr. Ken Byers develop a profound system of professional coaching for business, entrepreneurship and individual life passion identification. Ken is known worldwide for his program of "Essential Self-Management Technology" which crosses all gender barriers and helps businesses, groups and individuals identify, define and actually achieve their personal Visions with clarity and sustainable success energy.

TRANSITIONS
 

Guidelines for Starting and Maintaining a Men's Support Group
May 2001

Complied by Kenneth F. Byers, Ph.D.

A men's group is simply a group of men who get together on a regular basis to deal with issues relating to being men in today's society.

A men's support group helps men share common feelings, concerns, and experiences. Support groups often help with problem-solving in an individual's life, and supply much-needed positive feedback and personal support for a man's situation and for his work towards change in those situations which demand it.

A men's consciousness raising group (c.r.) fills the functions of a support group with an additional quality. It introduces new ideas on men s issues to group parti-cipants so as to foster an exchange of viewpoints and information among the group members. A men's c.r. group aims at expanding the group's understanding and awareness of sex role issues. It serves as a base for men to change their attitudes, beliefs, and behaviors in ways they deem valuable. Though c.r. groups may prove more challenging than a support group, they also offer more excitement and potential for individual growth than other group experiences.

Both types of groups assume that their members are healthy, functioning individuals, and in this way differ from therapy groups.

A typical men's group might meet one evening a week for two hours or more. Often, groups meet in members homes, though any private, quiet space will do. Men's groups tackle a wide variety of issues, using techniques ranging from discussion to non-verbal exercises to psychodrama to confrontation. Their tone and content are determined jointly by the group members, and the group's facilitator.

There are probably as many reasons for creating and participating in a men's group as there are men interested in joining them. Some of the reasons are:

• 1. To create a space in which to confront one's role as a man in this culture. To share with other men in examining the male role and how it affects each of our lives
• 2. To break out of rigid sex roles through finding concrete steps for individual growth in the world outside the group
• 3. To find non-oppressive and mutually beneficial ways of relating to women or a specific woman companion, friend or wife
• 4. To explore one's modes of sexual expression. To become more comfortable with ones own sexuality
• 5. To confront one's homophobia (fear of homosexuality in oneself or others) and/or to confront one's heterophobia (fear of heterosexuality in oneself or others)
• 6. To deal in a supportive environment with crisis situations such as a divorce, death in the family, etc
• 7. To build healthier, happier relationships with other men. To learn to get close to men, to make male friends
• 8. To cooperatively find ways of demonstrating to the larger society the benefits of men breaking out of destructive patterns

The above taken from The Facilitators Handbook for Men's Consciousness Raising and Support groups, published by the Men's Program Group, Metrocenter YMCA, Seattle, WA

A special note from Kenneth Byers, Ph.D.

Below are the most often asked questions I have dealt with over years to help in the formation of men's groups.

The forming of a men's support group is one of the most rewarding and satisfying endeavors a man can participate in. Over the past few years, men s support groups have been forming all over the country in increasing numbers and the willingness of men to explore their common concerns and problems is expanding rapidly. The reasons for this are many, but primary among them is that men are rapidly becoming aware that there is something very deep missing in the lives of most of us when it comes to working within relationships. The meaning of "masculinity" has become a far more complex subject in the past few decades and this complexity has created a symbolic vacuum of understanding. In the working environment, this "vacuum" often shows up in the ways in which men and women communicate.

Through participation in a support group, these kinds of problems can be openly discussed and increased employee satisfaction and productivity often are the results. The ideas and concepts explored in such a group are inevitably extended into the personal lives of these employees, and almost always results in healthier and more stable home environments.

Interest in using the corporation as a focal point to champion the support group has also been increasing, and many companies are beginning to sponsor these groups when approached by employees. This is admittedly new territory for most corporations, but an essential area of exploration if the American system is to able to regain its position of world leadership. The old ways are no longer enough. We must take bold and creative new approaches to develop work ethics and productivity levels that create results. The men's support group is one of those ideas whose time has come, but there are many questions that come up about it. Lets look at some of the most often asked questions:

What is the function of a support group?
Whether for men or women, a support group is a given number of individuals who have a common bond, need or interest that links them together for the purpose of understanding and mutual benefit.

Why are support groups important?
In today's complex society and rapidly changing role definitions, the support group is a vital element in the forming of new ideas about who we are and how we operate in our lives. By interaction and interchange with others of common bonding, we can see that our problems and concerns are not unique. In fact, they are often shared by others who may have developed ways of dealing with them that can be beneficial to us, and visa versa. Support groups also are fertile grounds for the development of new ideas, and can often serve as masterminding nucleus to create solutions to problems that may be personality or socially based. There is currently no better way to develop these ares than the support group.

Why men's groups?
Why not mixed sex or women's groups? Women tend to be naturally more inter-personally outgoing than men, when it comes to discussing emotional and/or personal questions. Many women do have support groups, in the beauty parlor, exercise studio, or simply within a close circle of friends: Most men generally have few friends with whom they can discuss personal and sensitive matters. It has been my experience that mixed groups are to be avoided at all costs. Men will rarely go near the root of their fears, if as few as one woman is in the room. It violates the safety and defeats the whole concept. (It is recommended in fact that for the first few weeks, when meetings are scheduled in one individual's home, that the women take the opportunity for a night out with the girls.)

How do we get it started?
In most instances, support groups tend to form very quickly by word of mouth. However, a notice in a company newsletter or cafeteria bulletin board is a good way to stimulate interest. The ad should be direct and to the point, such as; "A few company men are forming a men s support group, to meet every Wed. or Thurs. evening, 7:00 to 9:30 in meeting room C. Interested parties should contact..."

How many men should we have?
This will vary according to the organization or personalities involved, but generally a maximum of twelve men works best, eight being the optimum for equality of participation. Based on experiential averages, ten percent of the group will be absent at any given meeting, so it is a good idea to add that number to whatever number you select as your goal.

Should the meetings be open or closed?
One of the most important factors in any support group is the quality of safety and confidentiality. Although open meetings will expose the opportunity to more men, it very definitely effects the productivity of each meeting. I recommend the closed meeting if at all possible.

How do we pick a leader?
The leader will generally be that person who has been instrumental in creating the group. It is best if the "leader" serves primarily as a coordinator, or facilitator, presenting subjects or perhaps simply the format. The effectiveness of the group will emerge from the willingness of the participants to take their own leadership. It is amazing to watch the rapidity with which this process generally occurs. Men who join these groups are most often hungry for the opportunity to express themselves, and this becomes the motivating force for leadership.

What rules do you suggest we install?
I have found it is generally a good idea to be careful about rules in the beginning. Comfort rules, such as smoking, consumption of food etc. are easy to handle up front. As the group gets tighter, considerations such as arriving late to meetings, interrupting others, straying from the subject of discussion, etc. will surface and can be handled naturally. It is, however, extremely important that a few basic ground rules be set to give the group structure. Include in these such things as confidentiality, term of commitment, (eight weeks, twelve weeks etc.,) rules of order and such. One idea that works well is to keep the discussion from becoming an exercise in advice giving. No one can really advise anyone on matters of personal questions, but we can be causal in helping others to find their own solutions through our questioning techniques. Sharing our own personal experiences is what can help the most.

How often should we meet, and for how long?
Once a week is ideal, however that may not work in certain environments. Every-other week is also good. Two and one half hours is the optimum time, as eight to ten men can speak their minds and get feedback, without running out of steam. Any longer gets tiresome, as more often or not these meetings can be quite draining emotionally. Evenings from about 7:00 till 9:30 works well. It is a good idea to start out with a firm commitment from each individual to complete a specific number of meetings, such as twelve or say sixteen, with an open ended choice to continue after that.

How do we keep the talk away from just "football", and begin to get into deeper issues?
I suggest that you do cover the football scores (or whatever) in the first five minutes. Then ask if anyone has a burning issue to bring up. After the first two or three meetings there will always be a least one 'burning" issue that will set the tone for the evening, and the "football" will fade off into the backfield. Just in case, it is a good idea to have a list of subjects to start the discussion off. (In my groups I use the various chapters of my book "MAN IN TRANSITION, his role as father, son, friend and lover" as subject stimulator's.) There are an unlimited number of formats available and the group will find the one that works best in a very short time.

What is the advantage to a corporation in being a sponsor?
Aside from being a cost free contribution to the emotional health and well being of its employees, the company stands to gain substantially from sponsorship. The most obvious element gained is an increase in enthusiasm for life, which transposes directly into greater productivity and interaction with clients and co-workers. An additional benefit is the transference by association, that by sponsoring the group, the company has a sincere interest in the lives of its employees, rather than the detached and often disassociated attitude of most corporate philosophies.

Some additional do's and don'ts.

Do's:


Provide snacks and drinks - Try to keep the meeting in one place - Ask the "quiet" ones to share - At least once every few meetings, have the meeting on a campout, beach or park setting - Encourage friendly contact outside the meeting. Always ask what the group can do to support each individual going through his pain, pleasure, grief or growth.

Don'ts:


Allow one person to "take over" - Limit talk time - Over organize the meeting - Build in breaks (they fracture the continuity) - Depend on guest speakers to build interest (it must come from within.)

©Copyright 2000, Kenneth F. Byers

These are just a few of the basic elements in helping to set up a men s support group. Additional specific information and discounted copies of "MAN IN TRANSITION" to use as discussion guides can be obtained by writing to:

My Vision: "To Live and Share A Life of Material and Spiritual Freedom."

Ken can be reached at: 415/239-6929
E-mail:  
Website:
http://www.etropolis.com/coachken/.

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