MY SECOND FATHER
June 2001
I was in my early 40's. In the midst of a problematic relationship with a woman I loved. I was confused. All my counselor training and all my life experience seemed to be irrelevant. I was doubting myself, doubting my judgment, doubting my sense of self. Here I was, plenty old, and plenty knowledgeable about things psychological, and I was feeling like a confused adolescent again.
At least I had the sense to seek someone out, someone in my field. And I knew it had to be a man. To be sure, I knew there were many woman therapists who were excellent, knowledgeable and caring. But I knew it had to be a man.
I found a therapist who was also a psychiatrist. That was back when health plans paid psychiatrists to be therapists. I heard he was a good therapist, but more importantly, I heard he was a good man. I didn't care about the other letters after his name.
One day, toward the beginning of therapy, he said something that grounded me in a way I hadn't felt for a long time. In talking of a troubling incident in my relationship he said, with some hint of anger, that "women expect men to act like women." This may sound like a simple, even a simplistic statement. It surely was not an answer to the riddle of the Sphinx. Yet his response and his presence instantly strengthened me, as if he had just given me some magic, life giving elixir to drink.
I realize, now, more of what happened back then. The simple fact is, I needed fathering. I needed that mysterious, masculine something that older, wiser men can give. And when I got to his office I started to feel that this was a place I could find that something. In many ways my cells drank in a substance, that elixir, through his words, his attitudes, his bearing. But mostly, it was through the respect he gave me, man to man. Even when he was critical of my behavior I never felt shamed, humbled maybe, but not shamed.
Through his statement, he fathered me by supporting my masculinity in what is traditionally women's territory. It is so easy for men to feel shamed in this relationship territory. On this relationship ground, women are often considered the experts, as I have mentioned before. This is not women's fault. Men have ceded this territory to women long ago, in exchange for more financial and political gain. It doesn't matter that some of us weren't alive back then to vote on this trade. It still matters little that many of us don't like the bargain. Our fathers and father's fathers have been acting on this bargain for a long time. My father had been lost in this foreign territory for a long time.
Many of our fathers were unable to teach what modern lost sons desperately need to know. Traditional fathers have little to teach about how a man can have a meaningful relationship with a strong, nontraditional woman. Even the word relationship has little meaning to these sons of the patriarchy. In a sense, we are grandsons of a patriarchy that can only see a relationship between a man and a woman as one between a father and a mother. If everybody plays out that traditional role, the system works. But there isn't much in that system for a personal relationship between a husband and a wife. That is one reason so many marriages end once children get close to majority. Women have been opting out of this traditional arrangement for a while now. Men are just now starting to learn how sterile this relationship can feel.
I needed fathering because fathers are the first and most powerful teachers of how men love women. Fathers not only teach sons how to face the world, but also how to face a woman. Whether we realize it or not, fathers are coming attractions of how we will choose a partner, and how we will treat her. And the relation between our mothers and fathers will either guide us or haunt us our whole lives. Only by finding other fathering, and other wisdom, are we able to measure consciously whether our relationships are chosen or inherited, created or scripted.
I needed a second, nontraditional father. I needed someone to tell me that there is a masculine way of intimacy that doesn't necessarily follow feminine rules. I needed to know that I could embrace a woman without embracing her agenda. I needed the reassurance of what I knew in my head but couldn't feel in my gut. I needed a wisdom beyond myself, that spoke to me as a man.
I also had to learn that finding the feelings of closeness involved finding my feelings for many things. This process of going inside was a lot harder than I thought. My therapist never let me off the hook, here. He pushed and pushed me to find out what it is I did want from relationship. He pushed me to be somebody in relationship, as well as in the world. He pushed me to find myself in relationship.
Fathers need to show that following the pain inward, rather than the comfortable way, is a road worth taking, in relationship as well as life. They need to show that answers to a satisfactory relationship go way past making a partner happy. Fathers need to show that the masculine path involves the discomfort of living with the inner confusion of finding a mutual course where power is shared. I needed a father to tell me this confusion about mutuality in relationship was necessary and not unmanly.
Patriarchs don't understand power sharing in relationship with women, or with other men for that matter. Patriarchs agree with Henry Higgins in his desire for " a woman to act like a man." No wonder there is a feminist movement! Patriarchs don't abide by confusion or mutuality.
Modern feminists need to cede some of their relationship territory back to men. Men do not need to act like women for a relationship to work. Men have to become more deeply men in relationship. In turn, mature men need to voluntarily share that territory of financial and political power with women. Women should not have to act like men to have power. Mature men do not have to feel shamed in sharing that power.
I find in my counseling work that most men still need fathering. And I find that most men are looking for fathering around their love relationships. I try to provide the fathering that allows a man to separate from those dependency needs that keep a man from being a partner. I try to help a man drop his patriarchal bravado and trust there is an inner manliness. I work on boundary setting so a man can find his own relationship territory, as well as starting the process of finding his own masculine self. I try to give him hope that moving into the territory within will give him firm ground to stand on, in life and in relationship. My second father helped me realize all this.
Larry Pesavento, Copyright © 1999, 2000
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Revised:12 Nov 2004
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A continuing series of articles about men's issues
Larry Pesavento is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, "In 1993 I started a men's center to help initiate a dialogue about how a man in this confusing, elderless world can find a sense of identity, place and pride. I had been counseling men for close to 25 years and learned a lot from their struggles as well as my own. I then decided to write a book about the internal journey that a man must take in order to find a sense of peace and generativity. I felt called to write a book to share what I learned as part of my own journey and struggle with manhood. I will be publishing chapters from this book monthly, along with thoughts that pop up during the month. Thoughts may come from my practice, from the chapter of the book highlighted that month, from my own life, or maybe from the lives of readers that e-mail me." For more info about Larry Pesavento, visit his web-site, http://www |
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