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MENSIGHT will publish stories by men from all occupations and levels of society. We want to hear your complaints, your conflicts, your insights, your regrets, your successes, your thoughts, your anger, your fear, your frustration... your story.
To read more about how to submit your story, click here.
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Readers Stories... |
Marriage, Love, and Men's Work
by
Tim Baehr, Boston, MA
What has worked for us in our almost 20 years of marriage (second for both of us) has been persistence, faithfulness, humor, the evolution of a comfortable division of labor, and to at least some extent men's work.
We are both flawed human beings (as are all of us), and I think the biggest ingredient has been compassion. Not the gooey sentimental "I feel your pain" compassion but simply knowing that life can sometimes be hard for both of us, so we try not to add to how hard it is.
We have a fairly traditional marriage, with my wife doing most of the cooking and I doing most of the KP and house maintenance. She works part-time as a social worker; I work full-time as a technical writer plus part-time as a college teacher. In most ways her work is more important than mine (she works with families of infants and toddlers at risk - low birth weight, chaotic families, physical and metal deficits, etc.). I think of my greater earning power as a way to support her work. And she supports my work by not resenting the hours I have to put in (well, most of the time). We cheer each other when we're down and celebrate when there's a victory, however minor.
A small example: I'm her sous-chef in the kitchen, often doing prep and cleanup as we go along, and often without having to be told what to do. We tease and laugh a lot, in the kitchen and out. Our teenage son gave us the highest compliment a couple years ago: He said that one major criterion for a new girlfriend was how she would fit in with the usually wild and silly conversations we have at Friday dinner.
We've divided up other tasks (without keeping score of who does more), and we never fail to praise each other for being awesome at what the other can do.
There has always been love between us, but there have been difficulties too. I was at the point of questioning my commitment to the marriage when I re-started doing men's work about six years ago. A summer retreat, and the intimacy and caring of a couple dozen men, helped me realize that I wasn't paying enough attention to any of my relationships, and that I could not decide to bail out of this marriage until I invested more in it.
Things have gotten better and better ever since.
We've survived cancer (mine), a total hip replacement (hers), and a very difficult youngest kid (ours). Now the kid - funny, bright, loving, outgoing - is in college and we're on the brink of retirement.
Has it been a perfect life or partnership for either of us? No. But we're having fun and I don't think either of us would want to change much about it.
Tim Baehr
Note from the Editor:
MENSIGHT would like to publish stories by men from all occupations and levels of society. We want to hear your complaints, your conflicts, your insights, your regrets, your thoughts, your anger, your fear, your frustration... your story.
Half of marriages today end in divorce. Women file first in most divorce cases and most often receive custody of the children. Women and men are waiting longer and longer to get married. Many young men, seeing what happened to their parents, are terrified that they have a 50% chance of having a failed marriage too. They lived through the aftermath of their parent's breakup and wonder if it will happen to them.
In the new age of equality men must now must compete with women in the workplace. However, the rules for dating have hardly changed. Men are still most often expected to approach first and pay for the meals and movies. If dating leads to marriage, men are still expected to buy expensive diamond engagement rings. Fathers are still expected to pay for expensive weddings.
Married couples with and without children face problems their parents never thought of. Do both partners work? How is the housework divided up? Who does the child care? How are the finances handled? Is she living up to his expectations and is he living up to hers? The stress level continues to rise with no solution in sight.
How do couples cope when there are virtually no role models for today's lifestyles? How do they communicate effectively? Should they seek secular or religious counseling? Should they emulate movies and television's portrayal of relationships?
We don't expect you to have the answer to these problems. Though we would like to hear about it if you do. Just tell us your story in your own words. They will be published in MENSIGHT Magazine in a series called "Real Men Talking."
Here are our criteria.
1. Writer must be male.
2. Include the name of your City and State.
3. Write honestly about your relationship experiences.
4. Avoid bashing women. We don't like it when men are bashed do we?
5. There is no limit on length.
6. We will review all entries before publishing.
7. We reserve the right to edit but you will be consulted before publishing.
8. You may remain anonymous if you chose.
9. Please email to .
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Copyright 2004 Jim Bracewell, all rights reserved
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