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Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are Best-selling co-authors of
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Monthly Column... |
The Best Gift
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
Deborah and John
When Deborah met John at an aerobics class, she was taken by his rugged, pony-tailed look, the way he outspokenly questioned the instructor and how confident he was when he approached her after class. She found his brash intensity charming, exotic and mysterious, not to mention sexy to the max.
They dated for a number of months, really enjoying each other. Deborah had never experienced such closeness. She felt comfortable, deeply at ease and happy. Then John asked her to move in with him. Suddenly, Deborah began to find fault with him, and their relationship took a dive. When she was faced with the prospect of long term commitment, she looked at John with new eyes. He was no longer her ideal man, the man she would marry.
Deborah had always imagined her soul mate would wear three-piece suits and make good money. John was an artist -- promising but not yet successful. She wanted at least four children. John wasn't sure he wanted children, but, if he did, one, perhaps two, would be his limit.
Deborah wanted a man she could, without the slightest concern, take home to her mother. John was too "free" for that.
As he pressed her to make a decision she became distant and aloof. Now she saw his boldness as "pushy," his desire for her as "possessive," and actually began to think of him as "ugly."
Ultimately they broke up. Why? Because Deborah's picture of her mate, her fantasy lover, took over. She preferred her fantasy of what love was supposed to look like over the pleasure and intimacy she enjoyed with John, the real person.
People like Deborah, both men and women, "fall in love" over and over and then break up, feeling hopeless about ever having what they say they want. They depend on their fantasies to guide them toward what is supposed to happen in their relationships and they reject the flesh and blood differences, what they call the "imperfections," of the people they meet. Instead, they hold out for a mythical person -- Prince Charming or Lady Perfect -- with whom they're sure they will find continual bliss. However, since real life can't compete with their illusions of perfection, they've unconsciously closed the door on the relationship before it even starts, and are left to wonder -- Is this all there is!?"
A Shift of Vision
In our book, The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of Your Differences, we lay out a new vision, breaking away from the stereotypes that dictate how men and women look-for, find and live with each other. If you are single, we offer a way out of the pattern that doomed Deborah and John. If you're already in a relationship, we show a way to a deeper, richer intimacy. Through learning about the magic of differences, what we call real life love, you can shift from yearning for a relationship you hope will make
your fantasies come true to knowing how real intimacy can open you to emotional, sexual, psychological and spiritual fulfillment. And the best news is, you can start right now!
First, you have to accept the fact that no matter how much you two have in common, your partner will have ways of being and doing things that will be different from what you imagine and expect. That's an inevitable part of life. Those differences are sure to come squarely up against your dearest, most treasured wishes and fantasies. That can't help but be so, because your partner was not put on earth to make your fantasies come true.
And the opposite is also true. Your partner has to face the fact that you too are "just a person," with your own particular ways, and you will not be the absolutely perfect dreamy match of his or her fantasies. But that's good news. What love does best is to bring to the surface the full truth of who both of you really are so that you don't have to pretend or hide.
It's only in the broad light of day, after chemistry and fantasy no longer fog your perception, that the reality of deep love can begin. Only then can all the ways you are separate, unique and different individuals be recognized, valued and accepted. Only then can you trust that you are being loved for who you really are, not who you or someone else thinks you're supposed to be. You might be saying, "Forget it, it's too much trouble." Or "Differences always lead to anger, and I can't tolerate fighting." Or "I've given up on
relationships. I'm a loner anyway."
We understand. Relationships sure can be disappointing. Trying to connect with someone can be very frustrating. Nevertheless, we invite you to explore what you might do to make yourself more available for the love and closeness you desire.
Practical Places to Start
What's the most difficult aspect of developing an "intimate connection?" Acceptance! The truth is almost all of us suffer from a limited ability to accept someone else as they are. We're not saying that you have to accept everything about your partner without change. That's unreal. Change is an essential part of every relationship. But if you don't start with who your partner actually is, and visa versa, then you're building your connection, not with the other person, but in your own mind. That's a sure-fire recipe for disappointment
and heartache, because your fantasies and expectations will dominate your judgement and distort what goes on.
For example, how many times have you heard your friends apologize for their date or spouse:
"I know he's not very handsome, but he's good to me."
"She's not the brightest, but we get along pretty well."
"I was afraid marriage would pass me by, so I accepted his proposal --
even though he's not my ideal."
"I expected to do better, but I finally settled for her."
These couples are stuck, caught between what they imagine should be and what actually is. Can you see how the potential for vital love goes undiscovered in these relationships? Can you sense the emptiness in these relationships that are only "good enough?"
Why do so many people desperately insist that their fantasies are superior to reality? How do we all come to imagine that we alone have a better idea of what love and intimacy should look like instead of what can be created from the differences two people bring to a relationship? What about you? Take a moment and consider the following questions.
• Do you know that an intimate relationship will always change you? Do you like that idea?
• Do you realize that getting to intimately know someone will definitely take you into the unknown? Is that prospect attractive?
• Do you dread the thought of letting yourself be influenced by your partner? Or does that possibility excite you?
Please remember -- when you love you are changed. When you are loved you are changed. You can't get around that.
• What were you taught by your family, teachers, church, or society about those who were different from you and yours?
• Did you learn to see those others as inferior? Superior?
• Perhaps your family made it known they weren't prejudiced, yet, you heard them say all kinds of things about how others who were different were weird, stupid and not to be trusted.
It's critical to realize how all of us grow up learning, in one way or another, to mistrust that which is different. And it happens so subtly that, as adults, it seems natural, just the way things are.
Let's make this even more personal.
• How were the ways you felt yourself to be different from your immediate family treated by them?
• Were you rewarded for being unique, for seeing things your own way, or were you punished? Even worse, were you ignored?
• Did your differences make you special? Or did you feel alienated? It's very sad to realize how many of us walk around feeling like there's something wrong with us just because who we are as individuals was never accepted or validated. So many people live with the hidden belief that "If you really got to know me you would....." Too often that sentence ends with some version of -- "You'd dislike me, run from me, devalue me, in some way reject me."
And so we all bring a sense of being flawed to our desire to be loved. We desperately want to fit in, to please, to be good enough. That's one reason why so many people feel a sense of shame or guilt for having sold-out. The irony of it all is that anytime you feel you're not enough, you will automatically feel the same way about other people. That happens unconsciously. To make matters more of a puzzle, it typically feels one of two ways: it's only the other person who isn't good enough, never you; or it's only you who
isn't good enough, never anyone else. In either case, you're living in illusion, depriving yourself of knowing that everyone lives with limitations, hurts and faults, and, no doubt, feels just like you do. It's a wonder relationships work at all, isn't it?
The real truth is, though, that you carry inside a vital, creative, magnificent potential, the unique and blessed center of your own Self. The challenge is to get beyond the fictions and fantasies that you, like the rest of us, live with; to love yourself for who you are and others for who they are, wholly, for your awkwardness, wounds and insecurity as well as for your brilliance, tenderness and courage -- the total package. When you love your own and your partner's complexities and differences, then you most intimately come to know your Self, your partner, and ultimately God.
Keesha and Michael
Keesha and Michael had been married for two years before their difficulties began to surface. At first she enjoyed Michael's "take charge" attitude. She felt taken care of and safe. But as she became more competent in her career, she found herself increasingly annoyed and rebellious when Michael was "bossy and inconsiderate."
Michael was ten years older. He liked being the good husband, teaching his young bride how to be more effective in the world. But, as she began to get stronger and complain about his various "wrong doings," he wondered if he was headed for another divorce.
When they came to us for relationship training, Michael forcefully announced, "Keesha's acting like a spoiled princess," certain he wasn't doing anything wrong.
"You see," Keesha slumped on the couch in defeat, "he won't listen. It's impossible."
They were both shocked, angry and hurt that their initial bliss had disintegrated into such painful chaos.
"In any relationship," we told them, "both people must take responsibility for their own behavior. That's because two people are always teaching each other exactly how they expect to be treated, right from the first moment they meet. What they'll give and what they'll put up with." They were listening, so we continued. "If you don't understand that basic truth, you'll end up feeling victimized, just like you two have."
We helped them see how they were caught up in fantasy, expecting that their partner should "just know" how to make them happy. So they both blamed each other for their difficulties, while proclaiming their own "innocence."
"There are no victims and no perpetrators," we assured them. "You've both made this relationship what it is. You both can remake it any way you want."
"How," they challenged.
"Michael," we began, " do you want to be respected and valued for what you think and how you feel about things?"
"Of course I do, " he snorted.
"How about you, Keesha?"
"Sure."
"Well, real life love is born out of your commitment to respect and cherish the ways you are different from each other. You'll have to negotiate your differences. Sometimes you'll fight over them. But if you really want this relationship to be all it can be, you'll have to treat each other's ways as being just as important as your own. Because, if you don't, you'll continue to hurt each other in these thoughtless power struggles. Is that what you want?"
They were both silent for some time until Keesha spoke.
"I like to look up to Michael. I think he's smarter than I am. But lately, that's all changing."
We showed her how her self-imposed inferiority was the source of her experience as the victim of Michael's "bossiness," and how she deprived herself of her own voice.
"But she wants me to take charge," Michael interrupted.
"Like you're doing right now," we pointed out.
He had a hard time grasping the fact that his style could be very insensitive to Keesha, particularly when she had a difference of opinion, feeling or need. He kept falling back on the claim that his ideas were just "common sense" and "everyone would agree" with him.
But, because he did, in fact, love Keesha and wanted to make their marriage work, he eventually surrendered his defensiveness and admitted that her strength was what had attracted him in the first place.
"There is a deep spiritual power inherent in your differences. Keesha, you need to develop more self-respect and confidence, and Michael can teach you that. Michael, you can use more sensitivity and be less of a bulldozer. Keesha can show you how to do that. You see, you are perfect teachers for each other. How about that?"
When they saw that they had the opportunity to grow and develop individually -- together -- they were delighted.
"I don't want this struggle, Keesha."
"I don't either."
"Now the future can change, because you are change-mates. And, as we
said, it will take time and commitment, but you can make it what you want it to
be."
Real Life Love
And we say the same thing to you, dear reader. You can have the love and intimacy you want. If, at first, you're confused or worn down in your efforts to open yourself to real love, don't be surprised or dismayed. Given how we've all been raised to define differences as dangerous, you'll need to change your mind. But that's the most powerful gift you have, the power to change your mind. When you open yourself to the differences between you and your partner, those very same differences will awe you.
They will embrace you in a quiet stillness, when the wonder of being different from one another whispers to you like the breath of God.
Your journey from wanting to be in love to the soul expanding joy of real down-to-earth loving will require patience, dedication and the desire to be loved for the whole of you and love your partner in the same way. When you find that, when you and the one you love connect to it, you will discover more, much more, than you can now imagine.
Copyright 2002 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved
Husband-and-wife psychology team Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim Sniechowski, Ph.D., are the bestselling authors of (Renaissance/St. Martin's Press 2001, paperback edition
early 2003 from Griffin Books)
Judith & Jim also provide workshops, seminars and lectures to singles and couples nationally and internationally on all issues of gender and relationships. They also consult to corporations on these issues. They've worked with 100,000 people to date.
They also consult privately to couples and singles about intimacy and relationships. For more information please go to: http://www.thenewintimacy.com
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