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Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are Best-selling co-authors of
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Monthly Column... |
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
Over the past fourteen years, while providing thousands of workshops on relationship skills and gender reconciliation for both couples and singles, scores of people have asked us, "Why does love have to be so hard? I've been in therapy and read the books, but I keep having the same problems."
Part of the answer lies in the differences between our romantic fantasies of what love should be like and what it's actually like in real life. Sadly, many people prefer their imaginary lovers over the real people who love them.
Another part of the answer lies in the fact that it takes two distinctly different people to create the adventure and depth of real loving. But then, our partner cannot be the perfect match of our dreams. S/he will be someone whose differences bring unexpected joys, pleasures, and excitement, as well as being incomprehensible, annoying, sometimes downright maddening. The heart of a committed and intimate relationship beats in the rich mystery of our differences.
People usually date and begin relationships with good intentions. However, fear of actual intimacy often drives us to remain in control, invested in "knowing where I'm going." That forecloses the unknown, precludes spontaneity, and can only lead to the repetition of relationship patterns - which common sense tells us doesn't work.
So what can we do to actually succeed at love?
Most of us desire an intimate relationship in order to feel loved, connected, to share passionate sex, to feel good about ourselves and overcome loneliness. We look for a partner with whom we can grow and share our spiritual discoveries.
On one hand, we dream of perfection, the sublime union with our soul mate - spiritual and magical. Yet in real life it's more often true that we enter into relationship worried and insecure, not knowing how to actually create a long lasting, spiritually fulfilling love.
Robin and Charles were angry and distressed about their continual conflicts. After attending one of our trainings, they learned that in a conflict there cannot be an innocent party. False innocence is a cancer that kills intimacy and destroys relationships.
They both had to give up their need to be "perfect," not to be "the one at fault." From a position of connectedness and acceptance, they opened to one another's limitations and differences, appreciative of the reality of who they truly were. They discovered a spiritual depth, spontaneity, humor, and sexual freedom that dwarfed the childish innocence both had desperately tried to defend.
Without a spiritual context for the inevitable difficulties of relationship, we cannot understand that these challenges are the source of personal growth, psychological healing, and a very profound intimacy. We forfeit the opportunity to learn to be loved for who we actually are - pluses and minuses - and to love someone in the same all-encompassing way.
Marci complained that after dating Roger for five months, she "didn't know what she was doing." She'd always thought that real love would be effortless. She knew he loved and accepted her, "but it's so frightening and confusing," she complained. She felt the urge to run, especially when he was sweet. She challenged him, particularly when he was generous. His love exposed in her a powerful resistance to being accepted that she'd never known existed. She realized that was a blessing because "if love were effortless, I would never have had to face the truth of myself."
Real-life love and intimacy demand that we come to terms with who we really are. Otherwise we are caught in unfulfillable fantasies.
When real love is present, even the smallest issues can be profound spiritual and psychological teachers.
When we [Judith and Jim] were first married, we narrowly avoided a disastrous fight about how to stir scrambled eggs. Scrambled eggs! Not unusual. Most serious conflicts occur over small stuff. What makes them so painful is that they expose our differences. They destroy the illusion "that two are as one."
Jim was already making a romantic Sunday morning breakfast when Judith strolled into the kitchen. Rather than focusing on his loving and generous meal preparation, she became enraged by the fact that he was stirring the eggs with a teaspoon. However, because she knew her response was way out of proportion to Jim's choice of a teaspoon, she didn't explode. Rather, she talked about her feelings so that together we could explore what had happened.
We both learned a number of lessons.
1) Escape from Creativity; Judith's parents had always stirred eggs with a spatula. In that moment, by taking offense at Jim's teaspoon, she saw how she was unconsciously insistent that things be the way they had always been.
2) The Fear of Chaos: Life is filled with novelty. If we experience change as chaos - the spinning, whirling forces of distraction - we will be desperate for control. Judith relaxed and allowed our differences to be a gentle teacher.
3) Full and Present Attention: We both were snapped into an appreciation of intense awareness - the details of the spoon versus the spatula, of our separate perceptions and emotions. The two different backgrounds we came from were vivid, in a quiet nondemanding way.
4) Receiving Love: It's surprising to realize how often we all reject the very love we crave. Both of us opened to each other's different ways and, rather than fight, we talked about how easy it is to be taken over by an old reflex and slip out of consciousness.
5) A Greater Reality: By opening to the differences between us, we had the psychological opportunity to move into a larger reality. Judith shifted her allegiance from her parents and Jim was willing to try the spatula.
6) The Sacredness of the Mundane: We both saw how even a teaspoon can be a doorway into deeper understanding and full-hearted acceptance. The mundane is truly sacred, filled with passion and pleasure when we realize that spiritual truth is not somewhere else. It's right in our kitchens if we are prepared to look.
Real-life love is far more exhilarating than any fantasy. It is more satisfying and spiritually
nourishing than any storybook interlude. All we need to do is learn how to create it - and it's far easier than you might think!
Copyright 2001 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved
Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are:
Best-selling co-authors of "The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of your Differences:" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year" http://www.thenewintimacy.com
They write a monthly column entitled "The Magic of Differences" for The Looking Glass magazine.
Judith & Jim also provide workshops, seminars and lectures to singles and couples nationally and internationally on all issues of gender and relationships. They also consult to corporations on these issues. They've worked with 100,000 people to date.
They also consult privately to couples and singles about intimacy and relationships. For more information please go to: http://www.thenewintimacy.com
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