January 2001

Loving Endearments

by
 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.

Isn't it fun to be pleasantly surprised!?

Last Sunday Judith was preparing dinner for guests that night. She split open an acorn squash, scooped out the seeds and readied the squash for baking. Then she separated the squash seeds from the pulp and put them in a glass pie dish, sprinkled them with a little salt and popped them into a hot oven. She continued preparing other stuff while the seeds baked to a fine chewy crispness.

Then she carried the dish upstairs (protected by an oven mitt), knocked on the bathroom door and called out, "Room Service!" Upon entering she offered the hot, toasty seeds and sat on the side of the tub to join Jim who was soaking and reading before dinner. We both enjoyed the surprise appetizer together!

Get cookin' in your imagination! Do something fun that your
partner would never expect! Enjoy!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

                    THE NEW INTIMACY

In the old intimacy it seemed like it was fair game to chastise your lover, your spouse for the ways he or she was different from you -- ways that made you mad, upset you, scared you. It was okay to roll your eyes in contempt or be sarcastic as you told your kids how your spouse had been such a goofus earlier that day. It was expected that the best you could do in relating to those annoying differences, was to just "tolerate" them.

But we, Judith & Jim, don't want to be tolerated. Do you?
Probably not!

So, in the new intimacy we look for the magic in the differences, even when that magic is hard to find. By magic we mean the larger importance, the exciting opportunity to learn more about yourself and/or one another. Sometimes the magic is just the freedom to laugh instead of get mad. Or, if you can't laugh, at least you can be compassionate -- that's magic too. Especially when you're on the receiving end of it!

A couple of weeks ago Jim carried a lamp upstairs, with the
glass shade still in it -- or it was -- until it hit the low ceiling and it shattered all over the landing and down the stairs.

Judith was in the dining room downstairs reading the paper when she heard the awful, telling sound. But as soon as she felt angry at Jim's "stupidity," she remembered -- not to be nice, not to be silent, not to tolerate. No, she remembered that she, too, has been perfectly "stupid" in her ways. Like the time she backed the car out of the garage too close to the wall and whacked the side mirror right off. Or the time she forgot to turn off the boiling eggs and had to call home from the hair dressers to have Jim save the pan (the eggs
were hopeless!).

There is wonderful magic -- when we remember we are all, in many ways, perfectly imperfectly human. And only then can we meet one another in the heart of compassion, in the grace of oneness -- when we value and respect one another's differing ways of being "stupid." Then we can be intimate, helping to clean up the broken glass and reminding the one we love there's no need to feel guilty. Because everyone, yes, everyone does stuff that's "stupid."

Until next time, enjoy the Magic!

Judith & Jim

Copyright 2001 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved

Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are:
Best-selling co-authors of  "The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of your Differences:" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year"  http://www.thenewintimacy.com

They write a monthly column entitled "The Magic of Differences" for The Looking Glass magazine.

Judith & Jim also provide workshops, seminars and lectures to singles and couples nationally and internationally on all issues of gender and relationships. They also consult to corporations on these issues. They've worked with 100,000 people to date.

They also consult privately to couples and singles about intimacy and relationships. For more information please go to: http://www.thenewintimacy.com

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