September 2000

THE NEW INTIMACY

by
 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.

EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE

We all come into our romantic relationships with old emotional baggage. A lot of it so psychologically primitive it seems it should have no place in how we think and what we do as adults, and yet old fears, old insecurities, old desperations can rear their very powerful voices and stir up unpleasant and sometimes self-destructive feelings and behaviors.

When we're not aware of this stuff, our unconscious "junk" can ride roughshod over a marriage or long-term relationship -- because our responses makes no rational sense based on what is going on in the moment. But with a little compassion and conscious caring, what we feel and do can make perfect sense when we understand it in the context of our past.

A few weeks ago Judith's mouse (not the one in the kitchen but her computer sidekick!) had a heart attack of some kind and was most unruly and hard to work with. For some reason the frustration touched an old nerve of feeling betrayed. So when Jim came in to ask a question, Judith was weeping in desperation, trying to make the mouse do her bidding.

From Jim's perspective, the dying mouse was a drag and could easily be replaced when we went into Hudson a couple of days later. Yet, what about Judith's very real agony?

Jim's perspective was clearer because he doesn't share her same issues. That's an example of the power and magic of the differences between us -- between any two people committed to one another. He could stay centered emotionally while we tried to find the root of the problem. His gentle calmness was very comforting.

Because we are committed to accepting one another "as is," what might seem like melodrama was treated with respect and in that way healed a bit.

When we say we accept one another "as is," we mean that whatever we encounter in one another is the truth of the moment. Judith's weeping, no matter how disproportionate or out-of-the-present it was, was what was So had to accept "as is." That doesn't mean, however, that we don't desire change from one another. "As is" doesn't extend to unadulterated acceptance. To do that would be wholly unrealistic to say nothing of unhelpful. But, at the same time, we cannot demand that we be who we're not. If Jim said, "Judith, don't be ridiculous, you should be having a different response," he would have been self-centered to say nothing of cruel. We accept each other as is as the starting point and work for change from there, out of a respect for what is going on -- no matter how distorted that "going on" may be.

While Judith's weeping stemmed from difficulties she experienced as a child with being dependent and feeling unsafe in the world, and how those early fears translated into feeling violated when her trusty computer "betrayed" her, the "crisis" opened up new territory to be understood by both of us. We both got to explore even deeper levels of intimacy around the issue of fearing neediness and being dependent -- while also solving the very un-psychological problem of fixing the mouse, at least enough to make it work until it was replaced.

What old issues come up and haunt your current relationship? How can you use the ways you are different from your partner to help ease his or her pain, fear, anger, whatever? How can you relate to old emotional baggage as a source for deeper knowing of one another, rather than feeling overwhelmed or burdened?

When you open to one another as is, and work to grow from there, the rewards of you're becoming more and more intimate will be well worth the time and "trouble."

Our wish for you is more trust and greater freedom in your relationships!

Until next time, enjoy the Magic!

Judith & Jim

Copyright 2000 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved

Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are:
Best-selling co-authors of  "The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of your Differences:" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year"  http://www.thenewintimacy.com

They write a monthly column entitled "The Magic of Differences" for The Looking Glass magazine.

Judith & Jim also provide workshops, seminars and lectures to singles and couples nationally and internationally on all issues of gender and relationships. They also consult to corporations on these issues. They've worked with 100,000 people to date.

They also consult privately to couples and singles about intimacy and relationships. For more information please go to: http://www.thenewintimacy.com

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