August 2000

THE NEW INTIMACY

by
 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.

AWARENESS

Nothing is true that forces one to exclude Albert Camus.

A number of years ago, Jim challenged Judith, telling her that she didn't touch him as much as he touched her. Judith was shocked. From her perspective, she was very affectionate physically. "No way," said Jim, "not so." By that time in our relationship we'd learned how each other liked to receive criticism so that it wasn't experienced as an attack. But Jim wanted her to be sure to know he was very serious, and meant it as a challenge to her to become more aware, and of course much more physically affectionate.

A short time later we were driving to meet her father, a trip of about an hour and a half. During the ride, Judith asked, "Jim, do you feel that?" She was smiling. "Feel what?" said Jim. Making her point, she squeezed his thigh where her hand already touched him. "That."

He looked down and knew immediately that he had been hoisted on his own challenge. "How long has your hand been there?" Judith was beaming with affection, "Oh, about three minutes." "Oh," he smiled, and began to move his mouth as though he was chewing. "What are you doing?" wondered Judith. As a blush was rising in his cheeks, he half-whispered, "Well, this crow isn't bad. Your recipe?" We both laughed, enjoying each other's humanity.

Sadly, in many relationships, a moment like that has the potential for real danger. The one exposed for being unconscious can feel it as humiliation and then retaliate. But that happens only when the foibles and frailties of being human are not embraced. The fact is, not one of us escapes feeling absolutely certain about something only to bump into the wide range of our own lack of awareness.

You see, intimacy has a difficult time with absolute certainty. There's no room to breathe, and no room to receive reality.

Albert Camus wrote "Nothing is true that forces one to exclude." We believe that wholeheartedly. Jim was not proclaiming from on high when he made the initial challenge. And Judith had no intention of belittling him. Reality was the point. Reality the only place where penetrating intimacy can take root and become a spiritual bouquet.

Keep in mind, this point is tricky. We all have powerful feelings and act on them with confidence. That's okay. As long as you remember not to exclude. When you do, you get caught in your own lie.

Jim's challenge opened up more awareness for us both. And that's the point. Intimacy and awareness are two sides of the same soul. And besides, now very little, if any, of our touching goes by unnoticed. That's one level of the payoff. The other is consciousness. We are much better aware of each other's needs with regard to physical affection, giving and receiving it more freely and joyously.

Don't back away from announcing what you believe is right. Even if it's not, if your intention is to support the well-being of your relationship, you will be rewarded in the end.

Until next time, enjoy the Magic!

Judith & Jim

Copyright 2000 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved

Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are:
Best-selling co-authors of  "The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of your Differences:" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year"  http://www.thenewintimacy.com

They write a monthly column entitled "The Magic of Differences" for The Looking Glass magazine.

Judith & Jim also provide workshops, seminars and lectures to singles and couples nationally and internationally on all issues of gender and relationships. They also consult to corporations on these issues. They've worked with 100,000 people to date.

They also consult privately to couples and singles about intimacy and relationships. For more information please go to: http://www.thenewintimacy.com

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