July 2000

THE NEW INTIMACY

by
 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all of the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
A Course in Miracles

No matter how much two people have in common, they will always be different in significant and in tiny ways. The question is -- do you feel free to speak up and deal with issues that bug you, hurt you, scare you when your partner behaves in ways you don't like? Or are you afraid that speaking up will threaten your relationship?

If you fear that speaking up will make a problem too huge to resolve, then you are voting for your fear and your lack of value. Do you get that? Your fear won't let you engage in a discussion about changes that you want (and we ALL want some changes in the course of a long term relationship) and you are insisting that you aren't worthy of having a voice -- only your partner is to be valued!

The other day Jim was touching up some paint on a chair rail molding that he'd put up in our hallway upstairs -- and HE WAS STANDING ON A NEW ANTIQUE CARPET RUNNER we'd just purchased a t an auction here. When Judith saw this, she was horrified for fear of a paint spill and shocked that Jim would take such a risk. So she said, "Jim, please don't ever leave anything valuable around when you've got paint." And Jim said, "I'm being careful." To which Judith replied, "OK, but most accidents happen when we're being careful. Please don't do it." In response Jim rolled up the rug and said to Judith that he wouldn't do it again because he wanted her to be comfortable and not worried.

If Judith hadn't spoken up she would have stewed over how dumb Jim can be, how his parents were dumb not to teach him to protect things and she would have continued to build a private case against Jim, little by little distrusting him more and more, undermining our relationship. That's the destructive power of not speaking up!

In the new intimacy, love works because it is based on a continually created relationship, in which both people are loved for who they are and feel safe to risk speaking up.

Don't cheat your love by hiding your complaints or desires -- it needs the fertilizer of your speaking up!

Until next time, enjoy the Magic!

Judith & Jim

Copyright 2000 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved

Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are:
Best-selling co-authors of  "The New Intimacy: Discovering the Magic at the Heart of your Differences:" and "Opening to Love 365 Days a Year"  http://www.thenewintimacy.com

They are also Radio hosts for the Wisdom Media Group at http://www.wisdomradio.com and at WRIP-FM 97.9 in Windham New York http://www.WRIP979.com

They write a monthly column entitled "The Magic of Differences" for The Looking Glass magazine.

Judith & Jim provide workshops, seminars and lectures to singles and couples nationally and internationally on all issues of gender and
relationships. They also consult to corporations on these issues. They've worked with 100,000 people to date.

They also consult privately to couples and singles about intimacy and relationships. For more information please go to: http://www.thenewintimacy.com

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