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Mark Brandenburg has a Masters degree in counseling psychology and has been a counselor, business consultant, sports counselor, and a certified life and business coach. He has worked with individuals, teams, and businesses to improve their performance for over 20 years.
Prior to life and business coaching Mark was a world-ranked professional tennis player and has coached other world-ranked athletes. He has helped thousands of individuals to implement his coaching techniques.
Mark specializes in coaching men to balance their lives and to improve the important relationships in their lives. He is the author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers,” and “Fix Your Wife in 30 Days or Less” (And Improve Yourself at the Same Time).
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Monthly Column... |
The Vulnerable Father
by
, M.A., C.P.P.C., C.S.C.
I talked with a group of fathers in a casual setting the other day. It occurred to me again that the topic of our children was a difficult one for us to talk about.
This group of fathers could bring up child rearing in a more general way but stopped short of talking about specific family members or about how hard raising kids can be.
This group was much more comfortable talking about the business climate, athletics, or something from our nation’s news. When the subject of family came up and it got a bit too intimate the subject was shifted to something more “masculine.”
This hesitancy for fathers to talk about their children with other men is a common theme. It’s happening all over. And it’s important because this same hesitancy may prevent you from having closer relationships with your kids.
What’s behind the hesitancy to talk about your kids with other men or fathers?
We don’t like to be vulnerable. Men are strong and capable, not vulnerable. Yet so much of being an effective father is to open up your heart and to be vulnerable. To admit to other men that you’re having a hard time with one of your kids, to admit that you feel lost at times as a father, and to say you screwed up and that you’re sorry to your kids is to be vulnerable.
These are all things that take courage, and these are all things that will benefit you as a father and will benefit your kids as well. Most fathers that I know would say that their families are the most important thing in the world to them. Why then is it still so difficult for many fathers to talk about their families with other men?
My hope is that fathers across the country will have the courage to begin the dialogue about their families and to have the willingness to be vulnerable. I hope that fathers will learn to get past the fear that they are weak or incapable if they are struggling in their family life.
If fathers can get past this fear of weakness they will learn that they can strengthen themselves and their families in many ways.
Here are some action steps for increased effectiveness:
• Make it a point in a conversation with another father to bring up a problem you’re having with a family member. Ask for advice or support from this person.
• Ask your wife or someone close to you if there are ways in which you could be more open, honest, or genuine with your children.
• When you do mess up, say you’re sorry and mean it.
• Ask your child or children to teach you something that they know how to do and that you don’t. Put yourself in the position of a beginner.
• Form a group of fathers to talk about your families and to get support for them.
When we talk to other men and fathers, let’s start having a different conversation. Let’s talk about what’s really the most important thing in our lives.
Happy Fathering,
M.A., C.P.P.C., C.S.C.
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