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COYOTE ARCHIVE
Dick Prosapio aka, Coyote is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, ceremonialist, psycho-
therapist (ret.), author, leader of men's experiential workshops, & Co-founder of The Foundation for Common Sense. He lives with his wife and daughter in Stanley, NM
For more info about Dick Prosapio, visit his web-site:
Spirit/ Earth Path
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Guilty Reflections?
by
Dick Prosapio © 2004
Upon hearing that my mother died earlier this year people usually say to me, "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that." And I say, in an attempt to escape being felt sorry for, "It was really OK.for the best. She had almost made 91 and she went quickly and easily."
And I don't feel bad about saying that. But the other night I added, "And it was a relief for everyone."
I immediately felt guilty.
Upon exploration and reflection I find that what was triggering this feeling was the old what-will-people-think-of-me now? a response I've experienced most of my life; kid to adult. And of course, the real question is, what do I think of myself?
Writing helps me process such "stuff" and I put it all out into the world not only in order to unburden my soul, but also to connect with anyone else who would feel alone and isolated.and judged, because they might respond in the same way and for the same reasons.
What I then discovered as I journeyed through this was; one, I was glad she didn't have to go through some long, terrible debilitating illness, becoming more and more dependent upon others, which she would have hated with all her spirit. And, two, this is the part I didn't want to say but surely felt, I didn't want to feel guilty and frustrated having to take care of her from afar or, worse, near, as my sister was beginning to have to do, while she slowly became less capable of taking care of herself.
And last, but by no means least, I was tired of being the knight-in-shining-armor son who always defended and rode to the rescue of my mother. Sometimes defending her difficult personality, sometimes protecting others from her. With her death that lifelong task was lifted from me and that was no small burden to carry believe me.
So, my response was an honest one on all these levels, but not as self-sacrificing as some part of me would have me believe. After all, I was raised, by women, to be a "good boy". All I was doing was playing out the "script".
There's another element at play here too. I feel closer to death then I have ever been before. Not in some maudlin, depressive way, I just sense the inevitability of it for myself and this causes two responses in me. One, I try, very consciously, to appreciate each precious moment of life as it presents itself. Each breath, each snowflake that falls, each call of a bird, and most recently, each sparkle in the eye that I see in my kids, each close moment with my wife.
And the second thing is, I am moving closer and closer to the idea that there is a spiritual existence that parallels our human lives and I think we enter that other world when we leave this one. Not the "Heaven" we have been told we must struggle through the life maze to reach. Something much more mysterious and, at the same time, more pragmatic than that.
Of course, I also know that this may be a complete fiction that I am embracing in order to deal with my reluctance to become as extinct as the saber tooth tiger, but I can't deny that it is a possibility. In fact, I am beginning to suspect, because of some very curious experiences I've had in the past twenty years, that there is something to this after life thing.
But that's another story. Right now all I'm interested in is forgiving myself for not feeling terribly bad that my mother has died.
By the way, I must add, I do miss her presence in my life now and then without a doubt. She was a kind of information source for our past together. But I really expected more suffering on my part. I guess it's the fact that I experience very little, I pause short of saying "none", that I find suspect in me. I guess I'm not quite as good a "good boy" as I thought. Damn these character flawsthey will not allow this human to rest until they are all set right.
And that will probably take a lifetime won't it?
Dick Prosapio ©2004, All Rights Reserved
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