Summing It Up

Summing Up... Very Prematurely I Hope
March 2001

I don't know why this has come up into my consciousness today, but I find myself looking at my life and measuring it. My thoughts run this way; "Let's see what will I have accomplished when I look back at it all?" Then I begin to answer; "Well, I've always paid my bills on time. I got the garbage out on Wednesdays before the truck arrived. I brought the wood around and emptied the wood stove ashes everyday. Did a water run and filled up the holding tank. Made sure the trucks were always ready to run. Fed the dogs and put out bird seed every morning. Always inquired as to my wife's health and well being. Called my mother once a week. Returned all phone calls and always followed through on a promise."

Last week I got a card from someone I haven't seen in maybe ten years. She thanked me for being a positive influence in her life. That was nice.

I got an email from an old colleague and former mentor whom I haven't seen in two years and he told me he really liked my writing and had come to realize I was right about therapists.

He is one so that's quite a statement.

I always wanted to be a writer and now that my stuff is showing up on the web and in a few papers on occasion it really feels good when someone says; "I really enjoyed that piece you did on.." what-ever-it-was.

I wrote a song for Elizabeth for Christmas and sang it for her on Christmas Day at a piano playing friends house. To see her tears and to know she was touched by it felt good. Really good. It was a hard song to sing with a lot of key changes so I felt good that I made it through without croaking or crying. The words were heartfelt and said exactly what my heart wanted to say about us.

Everyday I try to treat my kids a little better than I did yesterday. Most of the time I think I'm living up to my determination to be a good parent.

You'll notice I haven't gotten into the negatives. I guess I've had enough of those kinds of days and don't want to spend a lot of the time I have left in self flagellation.

I suppose what has brought this all up is the sudden onset of health issues, which, if ignored, could be life threatening. For that matter, age itself is life threatening so I guess I'm also thinking about the real finiteness of my time.

Well, I'm not composing epitaphs quite yet. If I were, I don't know what kind of one-liner I'd like. I keep a piece by Emerson with me all the time. It has been my mantra of sorts for probably thirty years. It reads; "To laugh often and much. To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children. To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition. To know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded."

A few years ago Elizabeth gave me a silver bracelet with the words; "Many lives, many easy breaths." That would be a good one. I'd feel I had succeeded if that were my summation. Or even; "He was one of the really good unknown writers."

I know that in reality I haven't made the grade with the Emerson quote yet. I continue to strive to do so but I don't know if, for example, I'll ever win any kudos from any honest critics. I haven't even won over either of my oldest daughters. I'm no gardener, but I have pruned about a hundred trees on our land so far.

I haven't been laughing enough of late either.

But the rest of it is true in the main. I've even received the affection of at least one child.

All in all, to this point I guess I'm doing as well as can be expected.

Maybe that's the one liner huh? "He did as well as could be expected."

I like that. It's better than; "I'd rather be in Philadelphia." and just ambiguous enough to awaken some curiosity. I'd stop and wonder wouldn't you?

Coyote On Coyote - More about Coyote by Dick Prosapio

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