How to Spot the Enemy

How to Spot the Enemy:
A Field Guide to Dating Survival
August 2001

No doubt you've found yourself sitting across the table from one of them. Maybe you've discovered it on the first date. Maybe you've been married for twenty years. The thinking, yours, is the same; "What did I do to set her off?" or; "Jesus, here we go again!"

When I was dating I met two in a row. With the first one it happened on the first date. I sat down to dinner at her place and the next thing I knew I was crashing through her screen door, fleeing in panic and confusion over her barrage of anger over.........who knows what? Something I said!

The second one was much more subtle. She was warm and loving and supportive. She seemed to be just the girl I was looking for. She did have little quirks that made me a tad anxious. She never stopped kicking her leg whenever she sat down. And sometimes her voice had a kind of edge to it, an edge that hinted of the presence of a deep well of biting sarcasm just waiting for someone to take a plunge. Sure signs of a constant, low level anxiety which I ignored.

Potential partner number One was intelligent, with cute-as-a-bug looks, sexy as all get out, quick witted, funny............I mean, just great to be with.

Unless she sensed that there might be, anywhere in something I said or thought, some criticism, implied or otherwise, of her or of any woman on the planet. I had to constantly monitor what I was about to say to make sure it passed the politically-correct judge. If I "slipped", the outcome would range from cold hostility to physical assault.

We lasted a year and the end was not good.

Potential partner number Two was intelligent, beautiful, and.......well, very much like #1. Except that she was really very warm and wonderful at first. And then, little by little, as our relationship moved in to deeper water, things began to happen. There were the nasty little asides which passed by like grazing BB's. Then there were the small disagreements which escalated into larger fights in moments. The "BB's" moved to higher and higher caliber ammunition. These little "shooting wars" always stemmed from the same material; jealousy. If I mentioned my ex-wife or any female I might be aquainted with, it would begin. As time went on, if I mentioned any female in my family; daughters, mother, sister, anybody, that would be enough to start it. Further along if I mentioned anybody who existed in my past, family or not, that would be the catalyst for a "ka-BOOM!", little shots became large bore bombardments. If my eye strayed, or had the potential to stray in the direction of any female near or far, present or not, then that would do for a starter.

Toward the end of the whole thing, we never finished a meal in a restaurant.

Not one.

She never got physical like #1, but her emotional raging matched any physical punches or scratches I had ever experienced as far as the impact on my heart and soul and spirit were concerned.

I was asked if there were any "red flags", any warning signs I could have picked up on before things got really bad.

Here's a list:

1. If you find yourself suggesting that you both go to a therapist to work on "the relationship", and it has just begun, cancel the appointment and get out.

2. If she had a lousy relationship with her father and she shows no signs of having done any work on that issue, run.

3. If you get into therapy with her and you find yourself asking the therapist (on the side) if there is any hope............flee.

4. If you stick around for the therapists answer and it sounds like; "If you're willing to get a little bloody for awhile.........it may work itself out." Get out!

5. If she has no empathy for a man's struggle but rather sees men as "having it made in this patriarchal society." Out the back Jack. (Any use of the word "patriarchal" to describe society is a SURE red flag.)

6. If she graduated from a "Women's Studies Program" and loved it. Bail!

7. If she is tight with a girlfriend who puts men down over and over again. Move on.

8. If she belongs to a women's circle which, whenever you pick her up, gives you the nasty once over, find another hobby.

9. If you mention that a male friend of yours is going through a rough time with a difficult woman and she says; "So, what does he do to mess it up?" Run fast. (She would NEVER say this to a female friend.)

10. If she is no friend of men or maleness; fagedaboudit!

11. If she can get mad but you aren't allowed. Bye, bye baby.

And finally, but not "lastly";

12. If it goes badly at first, it's probably not going to get much better in the long term. Unless you want to sign on as a "project director" or the-healer-of-wounded-women that is. If that's the case, at least have her pay you for the help. In the meantime, find one who loves you for who you are, as a person................as a man.

Elizabeth suggested that I add this one: If she buys or laughs at those very offensive and sexist male bashing "Greeting" cards found on some shelves these days, write her a good-bye note.

Elizabeth also said; "Women won't like this article because it's the same kind of article that a woman would write about men but won't accept as true about women."

I found a winner..................a friend.

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Dick Prosapio aka, Coyote is a member of the TMC Advisory Council, ceremonialist, psycho-
therapist (ret.), author, leader of men's experiential workshops, & Co-founder of The Foundation for Common Sense. He lives with his wife and daughter in Stanley, NM

For more info about Dick Prosapio, visit his web-site, Spirit/ Earth Path
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