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Professor of Adolescent Psychology and Women's Studies
Dr. Nielsen has been teaching, counseling, conducting research and writing about adolescents and father-daughter relationships since 1970. A member of Phi Beta Kappa and the recipient of the outstanding graduate's award in teacher education from the University of Tennessee in 1969, she taught and counseled high school students for several years. After earning a Master's Degree in Counseling and a Doctorate in Educational and Adolescent Psychology, she joined the faculty of Wake Forest University in 1974. She has been awarded several university research grants and research sabbaticals, the Outstanding Scholar's Award in 1980 from the U.S. Center for Women Scholars, and a postdoctoral fellowship from the American Association of University Women.
For the past ten years she has focused primarily on father-daughter relationships with a special emphasis on divorced fathers and their daughters. She conducts seminars, serves as a consultant, and has appeared on television and been interviewed and cited by magazines such as Heart & Soul and Seventeen and the The Oregonian newspaper. In addition to having written several dozen articles for professional journals such as the Harvard Educational Review and the Journal of Divorce & Remarriage , Dr. Nielsen has written three books. Her 700 page textbook Adolescence: A Contemporary View sold more than 60,000 copies and was adopted by hundreds of universities throughout the country and abroad between 1986-1996.
More information on this topic can be found in Dr. Nielsen’s book:
Click here to visit her website
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Guest Article... Part two |
By Dr. Linda Neilsen © 2003
This article appears without citations for ease of reading. An unedited version may be read on Dr. Neilsen's website.
How Divorced Mothers Influence the Father-Child Relationship
But exactly how do mothers help or hinder the father’s relationship with their children after divorce? And what kinds of behavior can therapists, teachers, and friends encourage the mother to develop that might help fathers and children maintain good relationships after the parents divorce?
Messages about the father's parenting To begin with, the mother can either encourage or discourage the children to believe that their father is a good parent. Negatively, the mother’s seemingly harmless jokes or casual remarks about the father’s abilities as a parent can lead the children to believe that she is the far superior parent. As one adult child puts it: “I was made to believe that my mom was the competent parent and my father was nothing but a buffoon”. But positively, the mother can continue to let the children know that she believes their father is a good parent, regardless of how she might have felt about him as a spouse Sadly, divorced mothers too often portray the father as the vastly inferior or as a worthless parent.
Of course, some women are much more willing than others to give their husband or ex-husband credit for what he actually does as a father. For example, mothers who have always worked full time outside the home usually give the father much more credit than do full time housewives. And mothers who had good relationships with their own fathers tend to be the most complimentary of their own husband or ex-husband as fathers. Likewise, women who believe that fathers are just as important as mothers for a child’s well-being are usually the least critical of their husband as a father. And, for whatever reason, women are generally less likely than men to give the other credit for what they actually do in raising the children.
In this vein, one of the ways in which children learn how their mother feels about their father as a parent is through her ways of sharing information to him. For example, a mother can imply that their father is insensitive and harsh by making such comments as: "Don't let your dad find out that your brother is still coming home every weekend from college because he'll get mad." "It's a good thing your dad doesn't know about this!" "I promise not to tell your dad about this.” Over time, keeping secrets and withholding information from the father can build an alliance between the children and their mother that works against him. In contrast, the mother can strengthen the father’s image as a compassionate, sensitive, and valuable parent by refusing to keep secrets or withhold information from him.
Along the same lines, the mother cam let the children know that she sees their father as a competent, skillful parent by not continually advising, overseeing, or criticizing his ways of relating to the children. A number of divorced fathers say they become closer to their children after the divorce because the mother is no longer there to correct, supervise, and criticize them as parents. Unfortunately some men who were the most involved with their children before divorce end up the least involved after divorce. In these cases it seems that the most involved father has more conflicts with his ex-wife over the children than the man who was not a very involved father before the divorce.
Financial Matters
The mother also influences the father’s relationship with their children through the messages she sends the children about financial matters. Harmfully, the mother can reinforce the idea that the best way for children to measure their father’s love is by how much he gives them financially: “If your father really loved you, he would pay for that.” Or the mother can lead children to believe that their father deserves no thanks or appreciation for what he gives them financially. Sadly, many fathers who buy things for their children that the mother is legally supposed to buy with the child support money seldom get any credit for being so unselfish and generous. In any event, too many fathers end up feeling like these two divorced men do: "My kids don't even call me dad. They don't want me to be any part of their life. They just want my money". In contrast, the mother can encourage the children to appreciate their father’s financial support and to recognize that his love should not be measured solely by what he gives them financially. Unfortunately, the father often finds that the mother works against him in these respects, even when he is paying all of his child support and even when the mother is a well-educated woman with an income of her own.
A mother can also make the father look good or bad in the children’s eyes when it comes to giving him some say in how his child support money is being spent. Positively, the mother can let the children know that it’s perfectly alright with her for their father to make suggestions about how his money is spent. But negatively the mother can make the children feel that their father is doing something wrong or is being mean to her if he ever asks questions about or disagrees with how his money is being spent. As already mentioned, those mothers who do allow the father to have some voice in how his money is spent usually find that he spends more time with the children and voluntarily spends additional money on them.
Mothers can also convey either positive or negative messages in regard to money that the father sends the children after age 18 when he is no longer legally required to support them. Even in cases where the children have refused to have anything to do with their father for years, the mother sometimes conveys that she believes he is being mean and selfish if he does not send money for such things as college, cars, and weddings. Recognizing this, some states have legislated that a divorced father is not required to send money to those children past the age of 18 who have alienated themselves from him. Some researchers have even suggested that part of the reason why some children see more of their divorced father if he is well-educated than if he is poorly educated is because they need his money beyond the age of 18 when he is no longer legally required to support them. Given the ways in which money affects their relationships, many divorced fathers end up wondering: How much would my kids have to do with me if I wasn’t giving them this money? Why is it that no matter how much I do for them financially, they never feel it's enough and they rarely thank me? Why do they expect so little from their mother financially when they expect so much from me?
Finally, the mother presents the father in either a positive or a negative light by what she leads the children to believe about how he has treated her financially. She can convey that their father was fair and generous with her in their divorce agreement. Or she can portray him as selfish, greedy or mean-spirited. For example, without criticizing him outright, a mother can imply that the father mistreated her if she often seems sad or “jokes” about her not being able to afford nice clothes or a nice house like his. And even in cases where the father is actually paying for almost all of the children's expenses, the mother can make the children believe that their financial situation is far worse than it is. Regardless of how well-educated the mother is or how much money she receives from the father, she can still send children potentially damaging messages such as: "I don’t know why your dad wants me to pay for part of your college when he makes more money than I do.” "If it weren’t for your dad, I’d have a better job now.” In contrast, even when she did not get her fair share financially in the divorce, the mother can keep her anger to herself rather than risk hurting the children’s relationship with their father. Unfortunately, far too many children get the message that their father mistreated their mother financially. This certainly does not mean that all divorced mothers make the fathers look bad when it comes to financial matters. Nor does it mean that the father’s sending money is always a concern for the divorced mother. For example, some mothers who are legally entitled to receive child support refuse to take any money from their former husband. As one mother says: "I get a great deal of satisfaction out of knowing that I am supporting myself and my daughter. And there are divorced mothers who realize that the anger they feel over financial matters after a divorce is often a result of their own choices during the marriage. As one such mother puts it: "I could have avoided much of my anger and what I put the kids through if I had just chosen to be more financially self-sufficient throughout the years of my marriage".
Mother’s Self-Reliance
Leaving aside financial matters, a mother can also strengthen or weaken the father’s position by how self-reliant and emotionally independent she appears to be. The mother who shows the children that she can take care of herself emotionally, has a satisfying life apart from them, and does not need or want to be mothered or pitied by them makes it easier for them to maintain a relationship with their father. In contrast, the mother whose children generally feel sorry and responsible for her because they see her as so dependent, needy, and fragile can inadvertently encourage them to feel disloyal and guilty about being close to their father. As one adult child puts it, "I felt guilty all the time - guilty because I was angry with mom for needing me so much and guilty for wanting more time with my dad".
In extreme cases a mother and child can become so overly dependent on one another and so overly involved in one another’s lives that they are referred to as being “enmeshed”. In such cases, the parent and child react and think almost as if they were one person. Divorced women who have not remarried are the most likely to be enmeshed with a child. Similarly, those women who did not have close relationships with their own parents while they were growing up tend to be the most enmeshed with and overly dependent on their own children. A mother is also the most likely to become enmeshed with a child who has a chronic illness such as asthma or epilepsy.
In any case, even though many enmeshed children - most of whom are boys - are very angry at their mother for reasons having to do with the divorce, they still tend to side with her against their father - sometimes rejecting him altogether. And even when the mother and children are not enmeshed, after a divorce the children's relationship with their father too often suffers if the mother is emotionally fragile, needy, and dependent in ways that make the children feel that they need to protect, to pity, and to take care of her.
The Father’s Remarriage
The mother also affects the father’s relationship with the children by what she says and does when he remarries. Although 80% of all parents remarry within four or five years after their divorce, the father usually remarries first. And since 90% of children live with their mother after divorce, her feelings about his marriage and about his wife are easy to detect. Unfortunately what most children see is that their mother is not happy about their father getting married again - in many cases even when the mother initiated the divorce or left the marriage for another man. Although she may be unaware of the negative impact she is having, the mother too often reacts in ways that weaken the children’s relationship with their father when he remarries.
The mother’s reactions take many forms. And many of her feelings and opinions are conveyed most powerfully in nonverbal ways - her tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. Negatively, the mother can send children the message that because their father has remarried, he is no longer being nice to her. In reality, what the mother is often upset about is that her ex-husband is no longer willing to behave as if they were still married to each other. For example, until he remarried, one father explained how his ex-wife continued to violate his privacy: "Their mother would walk right into my house when she came to pick the kids up, help herself to a cold drink, use the bathroom, and make a phone call". In many cases then, the children’s do not understand that their father is not “being mean” to their mother, but is behaving as a loving husband should in regard to his new marriage. For example, some mothers try to engage the ex-husband in lengthy or daily discussions about very inconsequential events in the children’s lives. In these cases, the mother is often trying to continue an intimate, marriage-like relationship and becomes angry when her ex-husband refuses to relate to her this way. Unfortunately though, some children think their father is mistreating their mother when he is doing the kinds of things necessary to create a private and separate life.
On the other hand, the mother can support the father-child bond by not planting ideas that might cause the children to see their father or his wife in a negative light. For example, the mother can refuse to make such comments as these in front of the children: "Your dad was nicer before he met her." "Your dad wasn't cheap and selfish before she came along." "I don't know what's come over your father since they got married." Unfortunately, in many cases the father’s wife is continually blamed for the ongoing problems in everyone’s lives. As two stepmothers explain: "My stepkids blame me for every problem their mother has. Supposedly I even prevent their dad from giving her more money." "Their mother always bad-mouthed me, but I never knew exactly what she said, so I couldn't defend myself". Fortunately some mothers go to great lengths to reassure the children that they should never feel guilty or disloyal for enjoying their father or his wife. Sadly though, many children end up feeling the stress represented by this stepdaughter’s remark: "I didn't dare say anything good about my stepmother to my mom even though my mother divorced my dad". Without saying so directly, a mother can still let the children know that she feels sad, insecure, lonely, hurt, or jealous when they are with their father and stepmother. Some may even go so far as to suggest that the children should have had the final say over whether or not their father should have gotten married, by making such remarks as: “I won’t get married again unless you kids tell me it’s ok with you.” “I don’t know why they didn’t wait longer to get married.” “Your dad always does what’s best for him no matter how it affects us.”
Faulty memories and family myths But if a man was a good father while he was married to their mother, then won’t his children’s happy memories of him offset the other factors that might work against their relationship after a divorce? No, not necessarily. Amazingly, even when a man has been a good father, it is still possible for his children's memories to work against him. Why? How? Part of the answer lies in what researchers are teaching us about how human memory actually operates. And other answers involve our need to create consistent stories about our lives, even when we have to distort the truth and invent memories about things that never happened.
To begin with, our memories - especially memories about what happened in childhood - are largely shaped by what other people tell us, not by what we ourselves actually saw or heard. In fact, what other people tell us about our childhood can literally make us “remember" things that never happened. Making things even more complicated, we seldom remember how or when a particular memory came about. That is, we seldom remember who told us the stories that shape our memories - or under what circumstances they told us these things For example, the negative things that you “remembers” about your father might actually have come from what your mother told you during or after their divorce. Likewise, we construct memories bit by bit in erratic ways. Our memories sometimes take great leaps across time, omitting certain crucial events along the way. And events which actually had no relationship to one another or which actually occurred far apart end up being remembered in ways that bare very little resemblance to what really happened. Even our memories of recent events can be distorted in such ways. We also patch scraps of information from the past together and force them to fit the stories that we have been told by people we love and trust. As a result, a family can bury itself in its own fairy dust by creating false memories about people or events that threaten what the family wants to believe.
More troubling still, we tend to forget and to distort the memories that create the most pain or most shame - especially when those memories involve a parent. And we often forget and distort the memories about whichever parent did the most damage to us or to our family. Especially as young children, we do not want to acknowledge that our parents do such things as commit adultery, abuse drugs, lie, cheat, or physically abuse us. Moreover, we have an especially difficult time remembering or accepting painful truths about our mothers. So after our parents divorce, we too often end up wedded to inaccurate, negative memories about our fathers.
Our memories can also fool us because we have the tendency to create a consistent, logical “story” about our lives - a story that supposedly explains the past and the present in an organized, predictable way. The story around which we organize our memories also tends to be one that makes us feel good about ourselves and that castes the people we happen to like in the most favorable light. That is, we have a hard time remembering those situations in which someone we dislike actually said and did “good” things. We often develop memories that confirm only what we want to believe, rather than what actually happened. So for example, if a son has created a story about the past in which his mother is “a saint” and his father or stepmother is “evil”, then his memories will conform to that vision, regardless of the facts. As one stepmother explains: "My stepson is determined to prove that his father and I have ruined his life. Everything he does to destroy his own life is completely his father's fault and nobody can persuade him otherwise". In short, when it comes to our memories and our beliefs, we tend to “see it only after we are ready to believe it”.
Finally, what we remember about the past is heavily influenced by how we are feeling about our present lives. That is, people with serious social, emotional or psychological problems tend to remember and interpret the past in the most negative, most inaccurate ways. Young people who are clinically depressed or who have personality disorders rarely recall what was good about their parents or their childhood - and they rarely let go of their angry, negative memories even when confronted with absolute proof that those memories are completely untrue. Given this, the best chance a divorced father has for being remembered accurately is when his children are relatively happy, well-adjusted people who are basically satisfied with their lives. This isn’t to say that everything we remember is untrue. Nevertheless, we should not assume that our memories alone are accurate proof of what really happened or of what a person was really like - especially not when it comes to such volatile events as our parents’ divorce or our perceptions of a father we may seldom or never see after that divorce. Given how our memories are formed and influenced, the divorced father can often be at a disadvantage when it comes to what his children do and do not remember. To begin with, since 90% of all children live with their mother after divorce, it stands to reason that she has the most power to shape and to create memories – memories about the father and about the divorce. And since most children see less of their divorced father as time passes, they may have to rely heavily on their memories to form their opinions of him. Remember too that if it is the mother who feels especially guilty about the divorce, then she is the most likely to distort the truth and to create memories for the children that caste their father is the worst possible light . Sadly, the myths and inaccurate memories created within our families wield tremendous power over our feelings and behavior towards our parents and stepparents. And sadly, young people in therapy often have to be helped to remember anything loving or good about their father because the family myths and inaccurate memories have literally erased all positive memories of him.
Divorced Fathers and Their Sons
A final factor influencing the father’s relationship with the children after divorce is the child’s gender. Generally after divorce fathers have a harder time maintaining a close relationship with their sons than with their daughters. Why? To begin with, the divorced mother is more likely to say and do things around her son that damage his relationship with his father. As one expert on children of divorce sums up the research, "A mother's negative opinions of her former spouse, if conveyed to her son, can do more harm to him than the lack of contact with his father". Also the son is more apt than the daughter to become overly involved or even enmeshed with his mother in ways that hurt his relationship with his father - especially when the mother has not remarried. Then too, the son seems to be especially affected by a divorced mother’s bad moods, her depression, and her conflicts with his father.
Finally, sons have more serious psychological and social problems than daughters from childhood on, whether or not their parents divorce. And many of these sons’ problems are related to their being too close and too dependent on their mother and too distant emotionally from their father. In these families the mother is more likely to be the parent who tolerates and makes excuses for the son’s dysfunctional, infantile behavior When these parents divorce then, the troubled son is more likely to withdraw from his father and seek refuge with his mother.
MOTHERS WHO SUPPORT THE FATHER-CHILD RELATIONSHIP
Although there is no reliable way to predict which divorced mothers will be the most supportive of the father’s relationship with the children, there are a number of characteristics that supportive mothers usually have in common.
Mother's Education
Contrary to what we might expect, a well-educated mother does not necessarily make the father’s relationship with the children better than does a less-educated mother. In fact, well-educated mothers often make the situation more stressful. Why? First, as already discussed, well-educated white women tend to have the most possessive, most jealous attitudes about mothering. Second, a well-educated mother is often the angriest and most resentful after divorce because her standard of living generally takes the greatest plunge and because she is often forced to go to work full-time outside the home. Third, just because a mother is well-educated does not mean that she will be free from the kinds of situations that often make the father’s relationship with the children more problematic. That is, there are well-educated mothers who are clinically depressed or chronically unhappy with their lives after, who have such poor relationships with their own parents that they relate to their own children in ways that can hurt the father’s bond with the children, and who are too indulgent and lax as single parents. In other words, being well-educated is no guarantee that the mother will be supportive of the father’s relationship with the children after divorce.
Mother’s Guilt or Ambivalence
How guilty or ambivalent the mother feels about the divorce can also influence how supportive she is of the father’s relationship with the children. When a mother does not feel especially guilty or ambivalent about the divorce, she often has an easier time portraying the father in a positive way to the children and supporting his relationship with them.
Mother's Employment
As already mentioned, when a mother works full time outside the home throughout her marriage the children and their father are often closer than when the mother is not employed. In part this happens because the father and children generally spend the most time together when both parents are wage-earners and because employed women often relate to their children in ways that make it easier for the father and children to bond. So for example, children often say they feel much closer to their father when both parents are employed than when their mother is a housewife. In any case, whether the parents remain married or get divorced, fathers and children usually have closer relationships when the mother has always worked outside the home.
Mother's relationship with her parents The kind of relationship the mother has with her own parents also seems to influence her feelings about the father's involvement with their children. The mother who had a close, loving relationship with both of her parents tends to relate to her own children in ways that make it easier for the father and children to be close to one another. In contrast, the mother tends to be overly jealous, critical, and unsupportive of her husband’s relationship with their children when she did not have a good relationship with her own father and mother.
Mother's marital status For reasons already discussed, when the divorced mother has remarried, the father and children generally get along best. Although 80% of divorced mothers do remarry within 4 years, the fathers usually remarry first. So at least for a brief period of time, the mother is usually still single when the father remarries. Unfortunately those mothers who never remarry or who only remarry long after their divorce often have extremely dependent or enmeshed relationships with their children which, in turn, makes it more difficult for the father and children to be close. But regardless of the reasons, a divorced mother who has remarried is usually the most supportive of the father’s relationship with the children.
Mother's mental health Finally the mother who is mentally well-adjusted and relatively content with her life after a divorce is usually much more supportive of the father’s relationships with the children than the clinically depressed or chronically unhappy woman.
Conclusion
In many ways then, our research is reminding us that divorced fathers are often demoralized and demeaned in ways that make it difficult for them to maintain close relationships with their children. Not only many of our attitudes about motherhood and fatherhood, but many of our personal and legal beliefs about divorced men and divorced women work against fathers. And not only a mother’s feelings about her ex-husband, but also her own family background, mental health, marital status, guilt, and attitudes about money influence how supportive she is of the father’s relationship with their children. Then too, each child’s own memories, gender, and mental health work either for or against the father after the parents’ divorce. At a societal, legal, and personal level, we still have far to go in providing the support and the compassion that divorced fathers deserve as adults whose marriages have ended, but whose feelings, needs, and desires as parents endure.
Linda Neilsen © 2003
This article originally appeared inThe Journal of Divorce & Remarriage - 1999, vol.31 pages 139-177
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