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Dr. Linda Nielsen is the author of . (McGraw Hill, March 2004) She is a professor at Wake Forest
University and author of the 700-page textbook, Adolescence: A Contemporary View which
sold more than 60,000 copies. Having worked with adolescent and young-adult daughters for
over 30 years, since 1990 she has been teaching the only college course in the country devoted
exclusively to father-daughter relationships. Through her course she has helped hundreds of
young women strengthen or reestablish their relationships with their fathers – especially
daughters whose parents are divorced. The recipient of several awards for her research and
writing, she conducts seminars and serves as a resource for fathers, daughters, and practitioners
through her web site. www.wfu.edu/
~nielsen.Linda Neilsen © 2003
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Guest Article... Part one |
By Dr. Linda Neilsen © 2004
Why is almost all of the advice on father-daughter relationships directed only at fathers? Once daughters have matured beyond childhood, why put so much responsibility or blame on fathers when problems arise or when the father-daughter relationship falls apart? Instead, let’s encourage daughters to be more active in creating the kind of relationship they want with their fathers by offering them a “roadmap through dad territory”. Let’s teach young women the specific skills and the non-sexist attitudes that enable them to strengthen their father-daughter relationships.
Whether you’re a father, a therapist, or someone who knows a daughter whose relationship with her dad needs a little fixing up or a major overhaul, sharing these two quizzes with daughters can be an empowering gesture. Too many daughters have beliefs and behaviors that limit or damage their relationships with their fathers. So by helping daughters recognize which of their beliefs are based on false information and misconceptions, we open their minds and their hearts. And by encouraging a daughter to see how her own behavior shapes the kind of
relationship she has with her father, you empower her to initiate change actively rather than to wait passively as if she was still a little girl.
Are you pushing your father away?
How has your behavior affected your relationship with your father?
Use 0 for “never,” 1 for “rarely,” and 2 for “half the time,” and 3 for “almost always.”
___ I tell my father as much about my personal life as I tell my mother.
___ I talk directly to my dad instead of going through my mother to communicate with him.
___ I go to my father for advice and comfort about personal things.
___ I ask my dad what’s going on in his life besides his work.
___ I tell my father as much about my day-to-day life as I tell my mother.
___ I ask my father to do things alone with me so that we have time to talk privately.
___ I have spent just as much time getting to know my father as I have with my mother.
___ I respond enthusiastically when my father asks me questions about my life.
___ I ask my dad personal questions about his life.
___ I spend time with my father without any other family members around.
___ I am as open and honest with my father as I am with my mo ther.
___ I show as much interest in my father’s life as I do in my mother’s life.
___ I do as many small, thoughtful things for my dad as I do for my mom.
___ Your score (36 possible)
If you scored higher than 30, you have given your father as much chance as you have given your mother to create an emotionally intimate, open, and comfortable relationship with you. But if you scored lower than 10, the way you treat your father probably has limited him to having a fairly superficial, distant, or uncomfortable relationship with you.
Daughters: Are your beliefs blinding you?
Which do you think are true for the majority of fathers in our country today?
___ Fathers generally have less impact on their daughters than mothers do.
___ A daughter benefits more from a good relationship with her mother than with her father.
___ Mothers know more than fathers do about what’s good for their daughters.
___ Fathers wish they could spend more time at work and less time with their kids.
___ Mothers sacrifice more than fathers do for their children.
___ Daughters raised mainly by their mother are better adjusted and happier than daughters raised mainly by their father.
___ Fathers feel closer to and communicate better with their sons than their daughters.
___ Employed mothers are more stressed than fathers are trying to balance work and family.
___ A daughter’s relations hip with her father is usually best when the mother stays home while the father earns all the family’s money.
___ Most divorced fathers are “deadbeat dads” who don’t send money or spend time with their children.
___ Your Score (10 possible )
According to our most recent research and statistics, not one of these statements is true for the vast majority of fathers in our country today.* So the higher your score, the more likely it is that your beliefs are limiting or damaging your relationship with your father.
Is it Worth It?
In your personal life or in your professional work, if you help daughters examine their own beliefs and behavior towards their fathers, will it make any difference? Do self-assessment quizzes like these make any impact on daughters? Having used these techniques for the past ten years in my Fathers and Daughters course, as a psychologist I can assure you: yes, these approaches do help most daughters strengthen their relationships with their fathers.
In the words of just a few of these daughters: “I feel embarrassed now realizing how hasty I was in judging my father and his motives. When he asks questions about my life, he isn’t prying or trying to control me. Why wasn’t I able to see that?” “I have stopped running to my mother like a little kid every time I’m upset with dad. Things are so much better between us now that I talk to him directly. I felt sad and guilty when he told me how much I used to hurt his feelings by going through mom to communicate with him.” “I used to think about my father only in terms of how he affected my life. Suddenly I realize how I affect him.” “I am getting so much more from my
relationship with my father since I’ve been spending more time alone with him, being more open with him, and showing as much interest in him as I always have in my mother.”
* The references for these research studies and statistics are in Chapter Two of
Embracing Your Father.
Dr. Linda Nielsen is the author of Embracing Your Father: How to Strengthen Your Father-
Daughter Relationship. (McGraw Hill, March 2004) She is a professor at Wake Forest
University and author of the 700-page textbook, Adolescence: A Contemporary View which
sold more than 60,000 copies. Having worked with adolescent and young-adult daughters for
over 30 years, since 1990 she has been teaching the only college course in the country devoted
exclusively to father-daughter relationships. Through her course she has helped hundreds of
young women strengthen or reestablish their relationships with their fathers – especially
daughters whose parents are divorced. The recipient of several awards for her research and
writing, she conducts seminars and serves as a resource for fathers, daughters, and practitioners
through her web site. www.wfu.edu/~nielsen.
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