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Dr. Scott Haltzman is a married man, living in suburbs outside Providence, Rhode Island. He is a graduate of Brown University, and received his medical degree from the Brown University Program in Medicine. He completed his psychiatric training and Chief Residency at Yale University. Dr. Haltzman has gained international recognition for his work in support of marriage and husbands. He has appeared on the Today Show, Time Magazine, Glamour Magazine, Woman's World Weekly, Chicago Tribune, Boston Herald and local and national radio, TV and print. He is a presenter at the Annual SmartMarriages conference. He has published scientific articles and book chapters related to the field of psychiatry. He currently is the Medical Director of NRI Community Services in Woonsocket, Rhode Island.
http://www.secretsof
marriedmen.com/
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Editorial... |
Superdads Need Love Too!
by
Dr. Scott Haltzman © 2004
Let’s be clear about the term “Superdad.” I didn’t invent it. Several months ago, a reporter from the Christian Science Monitor contacted me to talk about my professional and personal experience with fathers who tried to balance work and home life. Later, a TIME reporter interviewed me about men who feel lost between a world of unstable economic security and a home life of unmanageable domestic duties. In both of these articles, the writers applied the Superdad label.
But if the shoe fits…
In the developed countries, today’s fathers and husbands face complicated work and social expectations with no historical foundations to provide guidance. In pre-historic society—the halcyon days of the hunter/gatherers—men had a clearly defined role in the cave-hold. Simple, yet arduous, the man’s job required him to leave home for days, hunt with a group of other men until he found a suitable meal, then return home with his quarry (where his wife was busy gathering berries and nuts). He did not have significant child-rearing duties until his sons became of hunting age.
Once human development moved into the agrarian age, men again went out in the fields, working until the sun went down. Women also worked hard, but community standards and division of labor didn’t allow for the man to take an active part in the day-to-day tasks raising his children—until, of course, they could work on the farm.
In the early industrial age, the man toiled for twelve-hour days in factories. Instead of providing dead animals or livestock for his family, he brought home a paycheck. Women nurtured children; men weren’t expected to manage the household.
 We live in a new era. Cars and telephones were the inventions that marked the beginning of the twentieth century; cell-phones and Internet mark the beginning of the twenty-first. Because of the electronic age, experts declared that a mere investment of forty hours weekly would result in more efficiency than ever—supposedly enough to get all the essential work tasks done. In theory, humans in first-world countries have more free time now than at any other point in history. In theory.
But in reality, life doesn’t feel simpler. In my psychiatry practice, I cannot recall any working parents who tell me: “Doc, I just have too much time on my hands.” The demands of life have not eased with evolution. And men are having it tougher than ever.
Now, I know it’s politically incorrect to suggest that anyone has it as tough as a woman. Women work damn hard. I won’t step into the fray of comparing workload by gender; I’ll leave that to the well-researched writings of Glenn Sachs or Warren Farrell. But I will suggest a way of viewing the situation that just about everyone can agree with: in the dawn of the twenty-first century, a father’s occupational security is at an all time low while the expectations for him to contribute to the hands-on raising of his children is at an all time high.
Here in Rhode Island I see multi-national banks buying other multi-national banks, international food chains muscling out regional supermarkets and manufacturing jobs leaving the state in droves. Even when these changes don’t result in job layoffs, corporate reshuffling leaves a residue of insecurity in the economy. It gives the clear message: “Here today; tomorrow: who knows?” Yes, women work, too. But in America, men are the main breadwinners in 70 percent of all households.
The economy is only half the story. In the last thirty years, feminism has delivered a clear message to women: Nothing you desire should be out of your reach. Feminism encouraged women to succeed in the workforce or at home depending on what they wanted for themselves. Meanwhile, in an era when women were defining roles for other women, an interesting subplot developed: women were also defining roles for men.
According to women, men must remain in the work force, and handle the responsibility of securing a safe habitat for the family. When able-bodied husbands stay at home to raise their families, it is most frequently because the woman has chosen to be the breadwinner. I know of few cases in which a man can successfully maintain a marriage with the attitude of: “Let her find a job, I prefer to be a stay-at-home dad.” Such men are considered lazy and irresponsible.
 While contemporary men aren’t given any slack in their work expectations, women have raised the bar for what is needed from them at home. Wives ask that when a husband arrives home, he should fully participate in the care and raising of children. Most men like the idea; it’s a role they wish to fulfill. But there’s no room for winding down as you walk in the door after work, and a crying baby is shoved into your arms. We men may not talk about it much, but we recognize that the chronic strain of being “on,” contributes to our weariness and strain.
Men aren’t averse to shouldering mounting responsibilities. The dads that absorb this role do it without protest, accepting that the additional stress has the silver lining of improving the bonds with their children. Here’s input on fatherhood I found on www.americasdebate.com/ forums: “I love the time I spend with my children. I don't consider myself a "super-dad,” I just do what I have to do, and I enjoy it, and I especially enjoy the positive feedback I get from my kids.” So, that’s all that’s expected of men in the new millennium, right?
Wrong.
 The other area that social planners (read: women) have added to our “to do” list is to tune in to the emotionally needs of our wives. It’s not a bad thing to expect a husband to listen patiently at his woman’s concerns. And there’s nothing wrong with wanting him to share his own internal world with her. No, it’s not bad; it’s just damned hard! Men aren’t hardwired to sit on their hands and listen for the sake of listening, even though that may be exactly what their wives want. Nor are they pre-programmed to talk about their own emotional experiences. While it may make the missus feel warm and fuzzy to discuss feelings, it often makes the mister feel uncomfortable. But, like it or not, it’s now part of what we need to do to be better men and husbands.
The confluence of job insecurity and increasing domestic and emotional demands has resulted in challenges for men not known to their forefathers. Is this the evolution of a new breed of man? Do we need to label him, as has the media, a “Superdad”? To outsiders looking in, it would seem so; the Herculean task of being all things for all people, even at the expense of what we desire for ourselves, can drain the vitality out of even the toughest guys. But most men who take on the task of balancing the demands of work, home and relationship don’t see themselves that way. They just grit their teeth, ignore the pain, and tell me: “I’m just doing my job.”
 I admire these men; they are more “super” than they realize. I spend my career supporting them, and helping them find joy in their challenges. I recognize the honor and love they bring their families and their wives. But the grind wears down men who strive to succeed in all fronts. They need support. They need the encouragement of their brothers in the work place. They need to be recognized for their efforts by the media. They need acknowledgment from the religious and political institutions that surround them. And, above all, they need their wives to look them lovingly in the eye and say, “I appreciate you.” THEN…they can take out the trash.
Copyright 2004 Dr. Scott Haltzman, all rights reserved
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