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No More Mr. Nice Guy website
Dr. Glover, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, with a doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy, is married to Elizabeth Oreskovich, a psychotherapist who with Dr. Glover co-directs the Center For Healing And Recovery. They have four children and make their home in Tacoma, Washington.
BIOGRAPHY
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Guest Article... |
by
Robert A. Glover, Ph.D.
Introduction
Five decades of dramatic social change and monumental shifts in the traditional family have created a breed of men who have been conditioned to seek the approval of others.
These men are called Nice Guys.
Nice Guys are concerned about looking good and doing it "right." They are happiest when they are making others happy. Nice Guys avoid conflict like the plague and will go to great lengths to avoid upsetting anyone. In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fulfilled.
Sound too good to be true?
It is.
Over the last several years, I have encountered countless frustrated and resentful Nice Guys in my practice as a psychotherapist. These passively pleasing men struggle in vain to experience the happiness they so desperately crave and believe they deserve. This frustration is due to the fact that Nice Guys have believed a myth.
This myth is the essence of the Nice Guy Syndrome. The Nice Guy Syndrome represents a belief that if Nice Guys are "good," they will be loved, get their needs met, and live a problem-free life. When this life strategy fails to produce the desired results—as it often does—Nice Guys usually just try harder, doing more of the same. Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are often anything but nice.
My exploration of the Nice Guy Syndrome grew out of my own frustration of trying to do it "right," yet never getting back what I believed I deserved. I was the typical "sensitive new age guy"—and proud of it. I believed I was one of the nicest guys you would ever meet. Yet I wasn't happy.
As I began exploring my own Nice Guy behaviors—caretaking, giving to get, fixing, keeping the peace, avoiding conflict, seeking approval, hiding mistakes—I started noticing numerous men with similar traits in my counseling practice. It dawned on me that the script guiding my own life was not an isolated incident, but the product of a social dynamic that affected countless adult males.
Up until now, very few professionals have taken the problem of the Nice Guy Syndrome seriously or offered an effective, comprehensive solution. The earliest reference I have found by a mental health professional to the Nice Guy Syndrome is in a tape recorded in 1985 by Neill Scott, LMSW-ACP. The tape is entitled The Nice Guy and Why He Always Fails With Women. (See Resources For Recovering Nice Guys at the conclusion of the book.) Most other references to Nice Guys or the Nice Guy Syndrome address the issue in a humorous manner or from the place of Nice Guys being helpless victims.
This is why I wrote No More Mr. Nice Guy.
This book shows Nice Guys how to stop seeking approval and start getting what they want in love, sex and life. The information presented in No More Mr. Nice Guy represents a proven plan to help passively pleasing men break free from the ineffective patterns of the Nice Guy Syndrome. It is based on my own experience of recovery and my work with countless Nice Guys over the last twenty years.
No More Mr. Nice Guy is unashamedly pro-male. Nevertheless, I have had countless women support the writing of this book. Women who read the book regularly tell me that it not only helps them better understand their Nice Guy partner, it also helps them gain new insights about themselves.
The information and tools presented in No More Mr. Nice Guy work. If you are a frustrated Nice Guy, the principles presented in the following pages will change your life. You will:
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Learn effective ways to get your needs met.
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Begin to feel more powerful and confident.
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Create the kind of intimate relationships you really want.
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Learn to express your feelings and emotions.
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Have a fulfilling and exciting sex life.
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Embrace your masculinity and build meaningful relationships with men.
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Live up to your potential and become truly creative and productive.
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Accept yourself just as you are.
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If the above traits sound good to you, your journey of breaking free from the Nice Guy Syndrome has just begun. It is time to stop seeking approval and start getting what you want in love, sex and life.
Copyright 2002 Robert A. Glover, Ph.D., all rights reserved
BIOGRAPHY
Dr. Robert Glover, author of the book, (Barnes And Noble Digital, 2001), is an internationally recognized authority on the Nice Guy Syndrome.
Dr. Glover’s exploration of the Nice Guy Syndrome grew out of a personal search for answers to his own confusion and frustration in love and life. No matter how hard he tried to be a good man and make other people happy, he never seemed to get back as much as he believed he gave. During this process of self-exploration, Dr. Glover began noticing numerous men in his psychotherapy practice with traits and frustrations similar to his own. It soon became apparent to Dr. Glover that the script guiding his life was not an isolated incident, but the product of a social dynamic that affected countless adult males.
As Dr. Glover began to examine this phenomenon, he discovered that these men, called “Nice Guys,” had been conditioned by their families and society to believe that they had to be “good” to be loved. Unfortunately, no matter how much these men gave, sought approval, avoided conflict, and tried to do it “right,” they never seemed to get all the things in life—love, sex, and happiness—they believed they deserved.
Dr. Glover, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, with a doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy, has spent thousands of hours working with hundreds of Nice Guys and their partners. The co-director of the Center For Healing And Recovery near Seattle, Washington, Dr. Glover works with men and women in individual and couples therapy. Dr. Glover also leads several No More Mr. Nice Guy therapy groups for recovering Nice Guys.
Dr. Glover conducts seminars and classes around the country on Breaking Free From The Nice Guy Syndrome. His groundbreaking website, NoMoreMrNiceGuy.com, was launched in 1998 to provide additional resources for recovering Nice Guys. Dr. Glover is a frequent guest on radio talk shows and has been featured in numerous local and national publications.
As a result of his work, Dr. Glover has watched countless Nice Guys transform from being passive, resentful victims to empowered, integrated males. Along with these personal changes have come similar transformations in these men’s intimate relationships. According to Dr. Glover, these dramatic changes are built upon learning to accept all aspects of one’s self. “An Integrated Man,” states Dr. Glover in, No More Mr. Nice Guy, “is able to embrace everything that makes him uniquely male—his power, sexuality, courage, and passion as well as his fears, needs, imperfections, and mistakes.”
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