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Born in Laguna Beach, California in 1960, Alison Armstrong has been designing and leading transformational programs for adults for over 20 years. In 1995, after four years of studying men for her personal benefit, she created the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop to share her extraordinary findings with women across the nation. With her friend Joan McClain, a banking executive, she founded PAX Programs Incorporated with the mission of "altering society's culture by transforming the way women relate to men."
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Guest Column... |
The Temptress: Learning to Handle Your Own
Fire Is Better Than Putting It Out
by
Alison Armstrong, author of © 2004
Creator of the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshops
When I began studying men, I had no intention of learning anything about women, and I had no interest whatsoever in femininity. Little did I know I was about to be taught by the experts—men. Men know so much more about femininity than women. Funny, isn’t it? I began studying men in 1991 from the perspective of the question, “What if men are responding to women?” Well, they often are, and when we least expect it. Men especially respond to femininity in very powerful, predictable ways.
When we start talking about femininity in a Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women® workshop, women usually think of the feminine stereotypes: the Femme Fatale, the
Damsel-in-Distress, the Southern Belle, or the Dowdy Grandma. Femininity is so much more than these onedimensional concepts.
Femininity covers a broad spectrum of extraordinary and delightful qualities. Fortunately for us all, every woman is born with these qualities innate in her being. Like a muscle,
though, our femininity may atrophy from disuse. To make femininity more accessible and easier to understand, we group these qualities together in archetypes we call the Temptress, the Mother, and the Queen. These archetypes do not exist in reality, but they make it easier to see the effects of femininity.
In this section, I will focus on the archetype of the Temptress. The Temptress includes qualities of physical energy such as playfulness, sensuality, and sexuality. But the Temptress is not aggressive—that would be masculine. Her physical energy is more like a tickle, an invitation, a warm fire attracting visitors. The Temptress invites the pursuit
of men, she doesn’t pursue them. When a woman expresses this special feminine energy, men respond by wanting to participate with her. Men will describe her as “sexy,” no matter what she is wearing. These qualities attract attention, physical affection, and sexual interest. When a woman expresses the playful aspect of her femininity without the sensual or sexual, everyone is invited to participate. This quality is very charming, like a magical spell that makes life more fun for all. All men, and young boys especially, will respond to this playful energy by adoring their mother or any other woman who interacts
with them in this way.
All women have the ability to express the Temptress energy, but it is important to do so consciously. Women who indiscriminately exude their sensuality and sexuality will
experience being “hit on” and think that men are to blame. Actually, men are responding to their communication, conscious or otherwise. The wise woman will direct the Temptress energy in a laser-like fashion at the men of her choice, instead of broadcasting it widely.
Many women, especially as they get deeper into their 30s, stop expressing the Temptress qualities. The Temptress is inherently physical, which means she requires energy to be expressed. As our families and careers absorb all our attention, there often is little energy
left over for the fire of the Temptress. We are too tired to be sensual, sexual, or just plain fun.
Another reason we don’t see much of the Temptress past 30 is that, whether we become biological mothers or not, we begin mothering the men in our lives. We focus more on support than on play and participation. While this support is essential to men, dropping out our playful, physical energy makes our relationships very dull.
Lastly, many of us suppress the Temptress because she got us into trouble in our teens and 20s. This was not our fault, but a result of too little useful information. Forgive
yourself. Forgive men, if you can. By understanding the predictable effects of the Temptress, and by understanding male sexuality, it is possible to “play safe” with this
potent feminine energy. Learning to handle your own fire is better than putting it out.
If you have put your Temptress under the bed, and you want to bring her out, here are some things you can do to nurture her:
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Work less, and sleep or rest more.
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Engage in activities that give you physical pleasure, such as a massage or bubble bath.
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Practice loving your body, regardless of its shape or size.
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Climb back into your body instead of dragging it around; express yourself through your body; get physical with dancing, yoga, or your favorite sport.
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When you have energy, try saving it for play, instead of spending it at work or on the endless projects in your home.
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Alison Armstrong, author of © 2004
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