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Although Alison Armstrong's book and articles were written primarily for women, MENSIGHT Magazine believes that they are relevant to our male positive mission.
Ms. Armstrong says of her philosophy, "I believe without a doubt, the past fifty years has yielded important advantages in terms of opportunities and choices for women in many arenas. However, another result of these new opportunities is an expectation that, not only are men and women equal, but also in fact, the same. Women expect men to demonstrate traditionally feminine qualities, while women have adopted many masculine ways of being, thinking and acting.
We have all seen these new expectations and behaviors cause conflict and confusion in all types of relationships. Women want men to be sensitive and emotional while remaining ambitious and protective. On the other hand, we all know successful, self-sufficient, independent women who have been dismayed to discover - and even more reluctant to admit - that they would actually enjoy a good, strong, dependable man. These conflicting desires and expectations have led to the anger, disappointment and frustration many women feel toward men. Longing for peace and satisfaction ourselves, we began to wonder if there is another way men and women can learn to relate to each other."
Through years of careful study and real-world application, Alison Armstrong, the creator of the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop, developed a new way of relating to men from a profound understanding of the the fundamental differences between men and women. Over the last decade, workshop graduates have proven that men and women can be partners instead of adversaries. By expecting our differences and working with them, we can indeed learn to trust each other, support each other and achieve satisfying relationships.
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Guest Article... |
I'd Give You What You Need,
If I Knew What It Was
by
Alison Armstrong, author of © 2004
In the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women® workshop, we teach women the nine things they must pay attention to in order to get what they need from men. Yep, you read it right - there are 9 different things to take into account! This may help you understand why it is sometimes so difficult to get what we need from our opposite sex.
These nine things include who to ask, when to ask, how to ask and for what you can ask. They explain basic male characteristics, that women usually disregard, that must be accounted for to get what you need from a man.
In the Workshop, we include a handout entitled, "How to Tell a Man What You Need." In surveying the graduates, much to my dismay, I have found that very few of them are using this handout and following the step-by-step instructions. This is sad since.THEY WORK!
In an effort to support graduates of Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women®, and frustrated women and men everywhere, this article will take you through the process step-by-step. I say frustrated women and MEN because men are naturally generous, naturally want us to have what we need, and don't count mind-reading as one of their skills. Men are often frustrated by the lack of useful information coming from the women for whom they would gladly provide. There is a trick in providing this information - it has to come at a good time, in their language, and in a context of partnership.
ALL STEPS ARE CRITICAL, THERE ARE NO EXTRAS. If you skip a step, do not expect a
positive result. I'll explain why.
As I go through each step, I'm going to tell you an actual story that happened with my husband Greg about eight years ago.
1) Ask for a time to talk. Say something like, "There is something important to me I'd like to talk to you about. When would be a good time?"
This matters because most men are Single Focused. If you try to tell him what you need while he is focused elsewhere, he won't hear you, won't remember it and won't know to provide it. Meanwhile, you'll be sure you told him, think he doesn't care about you, have hurt feelings and get really mad. All in all, not good.
When I asked Greg for a time to talk, the first time he had available was the next evening. My impatience wanted me to launch into it right then. But I decided I'd gone without this need long enough, I could wait one more day to ask for it well.
To find out more about Single Focus, see "Never Be Ignored By A Man Again" at
www.celebratingmen.com/ktpdownload.htm, or listen to the first broadcast of "Understanding Men with Alison Armstrong" at www.alisonarmstrong.com.
2) When asking for a time to talk, say, "Don't worry, you're not in trouble" or, "I'm not upset, I just need to tell you about something." You may feel foolish saying something like this. But watch his face if you don't. Does he look excited about your little chat? Nope! Because men are used to being in trouble with women - it's one of our specialties! Since men are Single Focused (there it is again!), if he thinks he may be in trouble with you, his focus during your "talk" will be to stay out of trouble. He'll be on guard, looking out for accusations and defending himself. If you tell him he's not in trouble, then he
can focus on hearing what you want him to know.
As soon as I said, "Don't worry, you're not in trouble," I heard the edge in Greg's voice disappear. He had already become tense in anticipation. He also suddenly became available sooner!
3) When the time comes (it may be minutes, hours or days later, try to be patient), start out by appreciating what he already provides. Say something like, "You are really good at giving me what I need." This matters because men are naturally competitive. This means that they play to win. One outcome of this characteristic is that they won't participate in arenas where they don't think they'll win. The above statement is letting him know, "You win in this area." If you start out with, "I want to talk to you about something you're really lousy at," his natural reaction would be something like, "How about next year?"
As I thanked him for being committed to me having what I need and being really good at it, I saw Greg's shoulders relax. Then he leaned toward me, looking forward to what was coming next.
To learn more about the "Win" characteristic, tune in to "Understanding Men with
Alison Armstrong" on March 14 at 9:00 PM PST, on KRLA 870 AM in Southern
California, or listen through the internet at www.alisonarmstrong.com.
4) Now say, "There is something I need that I want to tell you about and see if
there is some way that you could give it to me."
Expect to feel vulnerable when you say this. There is no way around it. Besides, all the wonderful things that can happen between a woman and a man are made possible by women being vulnerable. Being voluntarily vulnerable is one of the most powerful things a strong woman can do. Men are enchanted by it.
Even though I have been asking Greg for what I need for twelve years, I still always feel vulnerable. That happens because I'm not manipulating him, the outcome isn't assured, and I might be hurt. But my vulnerability appeals to him as my partner. It lets him know I need him, and men need to be needed. If a man does not feel useful to a woman, he'll move on to one to whom he can contribute.
5) Then explain, in detail, what you need. What it is, what it would look like, how often you need it. Be very specific.
In my case, I was asking for affection. I said, "I need you to give me affection every day."
6) Explain what you don't mean. This would include any exceptions.
Since men and women have different motivations and points of reference, expect misunderstandings at first. This is natural. There is nothing wrong. You will be more successful if you are willing to be fully responsible for having him understand what you need.
You might ask, "Could you tell me back what you think I need? I want to make sure I communicated clearly." Make sure your attitude is NOT that this is a test of his listening. If anything, it is a test of your speaking.
I actually learned the need to state explicitly what I mean and don't mean from not doing it in this case. When I asked Greg for affection every day, his response was, "You want to have sex every day?" That was how I knew I wasn't communicating! So I started over and told him what affection would look like:
about ten or fifteen minutes of his undivided attention, where he was looking at
me, snuggling with me, or holding my hand or rubbing my back.
7) Now tell him what having this need fulfilled will provide. Be specific. What will getting this need provide for you emotionally, physically, mentally? What will you be able to do getting what you need that you can't when you don't? Who will you be able to be? What capacity will that give you?
I told Greg how his affection helped me reconnect with him after going our separate ways all day. It made me feel happy, peaceful and generous toward him.
8) Last, but certainly not least, ask, "Is there anything that you need to give me what I need?"
When you ask this question, suspend any pre-conceived notions about what he will say. Men rarely need what a woman would need to provide the same thing! What he says will come from his world, his priorities, and his way of thinking. Be open to what he is going to say and consider it valid.
When men have said that what they need to provide something, is to be reminded,
they almost always add, "nicely" or "gently".
When I asked Greg what he needed to provide affection every day, his response was, "Come get it." At first I was shocked. Then I realized that I'm so busy multi-tasking at the end of the day, that he'd have to tie me down to pay me attention. Since then, many evenings when I'm busy with my chores and projects, I'll notice him sitting on the couch and pause all my activities. When I sit down next to him, he always lifts his arm for me to snuggle close. This warm welcome makes my heart sing every time.
Caveats:
. There are things that women need that men really don't understand. It just makes no sense to them. If he understands what it will provide, he'll often be willing to do it anyway.
. If a man cannot provide what you need, he may react by saying, "You don't need that." This is in self-defense because you needing that and him being unable to provide it will cause a failure for him.
. A wise woman will try to ask only for what a man can provide, and look to her girlfriends or family or friends for the rest.
The Amazing Development of Men is Now Available on CD!
Order today at www.understandmen.com.
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