Still A Dad: The Divorced Father's
Journey.
By Serge Prengel
New York: Mission Creative Energy, 1999.
In this world of both increasingly dire straits for
fathers and rapidly burgeoning numbers of promale and profather books,
Serge Prengel has done what might have seemed impossible: written a
truly indispensable and utterly unique book on the subject of
fatherhood and the divorce process. He has masterfully bridged the
political and personal, even spiritual sides of the thorn-laden and
mine- strewn trails of tears which he and countless other divorced men
have been forced to tread.
Prengel has a talent which regrettably is
vanishingly rare these days, of being able to empathize with multiple
points of view, despite their sometimes being in direct conflict. His
own path as a divorced dad led him to open his heart and his brain
wide enough in both compassion and spiritual understanding to enable
him to pass by the elephant-sized troubles he confronted without their
crushing him. And he has generously chosen to share the bounty of his
learning with us so that we may benefit from his learning.
The author enjoys an almost breathtaking facility at
deftly sketching the key points of a player's psyche in just a few
words. "Even many, many months into the divorce proceedings, John has
kept hoping: It won't happen to me." "A child needs certainties,
simple answers, a sense that there is fairness and logic in the world,
in order to feel reasonably safe." "Just imagine for a moment you're
the judge. You have in front of you two bickering people... You have
to make a decision, choose one or the other."
The drama which the author lays out for us and plays
out for us is one which each month is repeated countless thousands of
times around the country and around the world. Prengel ices the
problem in a few simple, deadly words, asking, "how can [his alter ego
John] find a way to be an equal parent within a system that only
allows a one-up/one-down outcome to a custody dispute?" A few
sentences later, the author chillingly concludes, "The system has no
room for what he wants."
Why, Prengel asks, is a married man presumed an
equal partner in budgeting child-raising expenses, but a divorced man
has to make substantial pre-set payments to his ex-wife without any
say in how the money is used? Why is it, as the author aptly
summarizes the divorced father's predicament, that you are a
troublemaker and controlling if you try to retain some influence over
your child's day-to-day life, and you're a deadbeat if you want to
find a way to equitably share responsibilities and expenses with your
ex-wife? How can divorce law be geared to fairness when winner takes
all, humiliates loser, and does it all in the name of the child's best
interests? Prengel makes pithy suggestions about the changes that
needs to happen--a presumption of shared parenting, not just shared
custody.
With the typical visitation schedule, Prengel wryly
notes in another brilliant crystallization, a man becomes (if he is
lucky) a sort of uncle to his son. Later, he aptly compares modern
divorce with the medieval trial by ordeal, in which only a miracle
could save the accused's life and prove him innocent.
But the story does not end here. Prengel continues
to trace the all-too-frequent descent into misery that follows divorce
for men with children. And then, he offers the conclusions to which he
eventually came after years of torture and misery. No completely
satisfactory resolution is possible, of course, but acceptance is
necessary, and it is very helpful to cultivate a Zen-like ability to
continue on and retain hope after all hope seems lost.
Not that this is easy. Or fair. Prengel is no New
Age polyanna, telling divorced fathers that if they go to enough
workshops or retrain their thinking adequately, all will be well. He
is simply offering prescriptions for survival and for salvaging shreds
of happiness from an all too often dire situation.
Many of his statements have an ability to resonate
on multiple levels, on the individual level in response to the
specific post- divorce situation, politically as directions for
change, and as general prescriptions as to how we all may improve our
lives whatever our marital state may be. "There is a lot to be gained
for men in leaving the adversarial game." Constantly thinking of all
the players at once, Prengel astutely explains in separate sections
why this change would be good for men, for children, and for women.
(He does miss several other ways it would help women-- by changing
perceptions of women, by encouraging women to marry, and because
long-term men's welfare and women's welfare are inextricably
interconnected.)
Prengel's writing and thinking is wonderful to
behold. He makes numerous deft points that seem obvious and yet
integrate different disciplines, connecting large and small scale in a
way that is all too rare: Since even in war, there are limits that
cannot be crossed known as "war crimes," why do we rely on the law of
the jungle for conflict resolution in divorce? Two pages later, he
brilliantly shows the perfect applicability to adversarial divorce of
a chart developed to describe the differences between a healthy
relationship (the column entitled "equality") and "one in which the
woman is abused" (the column entitled "power and control").
Despite his own story and obvious personal pain,
Prengel's tone throughout this book is admirably judicious and
balanced. The second half focuses on the transformations men must
undergo if they are to survive what often becomes the hellish loss of
their partner, children, finances, house, and self-respect, often all
in close succession. Prengel succinctly lays out the conflicting
emotions, and reminds us that "in addition to fighting with your ex
and with the legal system, you're also fighting a battle within
yourself." Ultimately, the author helps us realize, this is the most
important fight of all. And it's the only one we can count on winning,
but only if we are open to giving up everything we thought we would
have forever. A key moment in John's path comes when he lets it all
go. "John's heart opens up when he sees how much he's willing to give
his child, without anything in return."
Prengel also addresses shame and the shadow, issues
not usually considered in books also bearing significant political
content. He deftly finds a way around a central paradox: he is giving
advice in this book, from the outside, suggesting that men can only
find the inner truth they need to fight these battles by going inside.
"I don't really know what YOU should be doing." And we get practical
suggestions: Relax the pressure you put on yourself to do the right
thing. When you are with your child, ask open-ended questions and
reveal your thought process to the child. Don't project your anger
onto your child, and always speak positively of your ex. Let go of
what is holding you back from a fulfilling life by acknowledging the
hurt the process caused your child. Unusually for a men's movement
book, Prengel sagely guides us away from a focus on our own pain.
Anyone who can take this book for what it offers,
even if aspects of it don't fully speak to them, is bound to reap a
rich harvest. While it may occasionally veer toward sound-bite and
appear to lack deep analysis, this is actually probably one of the
most deceptively complex and valuable books ever written for men. Even
the book's physical characteristics are lovely, down to the intimate
yet universal cover picture of father and son holding hands. "The
journey starts when we begin to notice the sacred where it is."
©2000 J. Steven Svoboda
