Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from
the Myths of Boyhood.
By William Pollack, Ph.D.
New York: Random House, 1998.
Harvard clinical psychologist William Pollack cares
about boys. His substantial and well-documented book, Real Boys,
presents persuasive arguments for refusing to buy into what he calls
the "boy code," the conditioning which induces us to be tougher on
boys than we are on girls. We learn that we need not worry about
lavishing "too much" love on our male children; the author shows us
that it is a myth that doing so will lead to their growing up to be
less masculine than we might desire.
Presenting us with numerous real-life examples
typifying the struggles, triumphs, challenges and paradoxes of
pre-adolescent and adolescent males, Pollack stresses that it is
impossible to give too much love to any child. Boys who run into
trouble will much more typically suffer instead from a lack of a male
role model or from having been left to chart their own emotional
waters at too young an age. Fathers can retain their unique parenting
abilities while still being nurturing and staying attached, as the
author strongly urges fathers to do. Be sure to split the role of
disciplinarian with your partner, he counsels.
The book is peppered with numerous practical hints
as to how to implement the overarching principle of loving our boys
and supporting them up to any limits they may choose to set. It also
includes a wealth of individual stories of real boys and their
struggles. Some stories are deeply moving, others just as profoundly
disturbing.
Chapter four contains an invaluable discussion of
"action love," boys' preference for side-by-side connection during
shared activity rather than the more typically female model of
talk-oriented face- to-face intimacy. (If we do not appreciate the
different male style of relationship, we may miss how critical
friendships are to most boys or may even neglect to notice an
important connection.) Chapter six delves into numerous examples and
specifics as to how fathers may create empathic and fully masculine
bonds with their sons. Pollack is not afraid to remind us that neither
gender model is better; they are simply different. Typically fathers'
play teaches children to handle intensity and to tolerate a wide range
of situations while interacting with a caregiver.
The author does not shrink from challenging the
still common perception that it is girls who are treated worse by the
school system. Moreover, he continues, the very structure of most
coeducational schools favors girls. Boys' esteem, he shows us, is
clearly more at risk than girls', and the problem is polarized much
more strongly along lines of gender than race. He summarizes the major
ways in which our schools are failing our boys, including: 1) schools'
poor performance at noticing the problems many boys are having in
certain subjects; 2) their poor performance in handling boys' social
and emotional needs; 3) schools are often not warm or friendly toward
boys; and 4) the rarity of curricula and teaching methods designed to
meet boys' specific needs and interests. The author shows us examples
of teachers successful in turning around this woeful situation.
Tailored education can work wonders.
We learn that depression is common in boys and we
gain some valuable tips on performing the often difficult task of
detecting something that many boys will do anything to hide. Part of
the difficulty stems from the fact that the diagnostic criteria were
originally developed for use with adult women, who have dramatically
different issues and symptoms than do adolescent boys. In boys, even
violence can often be a silent cry for reconnection.
I did not find this to be a perfect book. It is
perhaps overlong. More importantly, in a generally well-documented
book, Pollack shrinks in several places from providing relevant data
or reaching fairly straightforward conclusions which might have run
the risk of displeasing feminists. In a discussion of the importance
of "family" in protecting adolescent boys from harm, he fails to
analyze the dramatic evidence (some of which he himself generated) of
the particular need boys have for a father. Instead, he mouths some
unconvincing platitudes strongly implying that single mothers can
raise boys on their own as effectively as can an intact family.
Real Boys also suffers from a puzzling, even
disturbing lack of political and social context. A detailed,
forthright discussion of how we got to where we are today regarding
boys is absent from an otherwise exhaustive (and occasionally
exhausting) book. The need for affirmative action for male teachers
also seems a topic which ought to be fully addressed in a book which
frequently alludes to the mostly female makeup of school teaching
staffs.
But on the whole, Real Boys is profoundly
worthwhile, even invaluable. The lists of practical tips alone are
worth the price of admission. One example: What can parents and
families do to build strong relationships with their adolescent sons?
Among other things: 1) Discuss the complexities of adolescence
honestly; 2) make regular "dates" with your son; 3) don't wait to talk
to him about sex, drugs, or other tricky topics; and 4) show that you
understand the "adolescent crucible."
Over and over again Pollack reminds us that simply
listening to your sons with love and without judgment can make a
critical difference as they struggle with the complexities of growing
up and becoming young men in our perilous society. And, most
importantly of all, we support them by giving them the gift of
bountiful love in a form they can accept and even cherish. This simple
truth may be this book's most valuable lesson.
©2000 J. Steven Svoboda
