Beginning Fatherhood: A Guide for
Expectant Fathers. By Warwick Pudney and Judy Cottrell. Lane Cove,
Australia: Finch Publishing Company, 1998. 166 pages. No price stated
on book but available from UsedBookCentral.com or Abebooks.com for US
$17.47. Also available from Alibris.com. Second edition scheduled to
appear in late 2004. Review by Steven Svoboda
New Zealand father Warwick Pudney
and his partner Judy Cottrell have written and Finch Publishing—in yet
another success--has published what to my mind is far and away the
best book ever written for expectant fathers. A couple years ago,
while awaiting my son’s arrival, I ordered a number of the “pregnant
father” books. Some were better than others, but none attained
anything approaching the Zen-like conciseness and wisdom of “Beginning
Fatherhood.”
Right off the bat, we realize that
this book is a bit different, as we read the “7 points to becoming a
father,” which bear repeating in full: 1. Get to know your own father.
2. Get some good supportive men around you. 3. Support, protect, and
respect your woman. 4. Attend antenatal visits and be at the birth. 5.
Claim your fatherhood—care for your baby. 6. Play with your baby, play
with your partner. 7. Work less. Even more to the point, this list is
shortly followed by two other fascinating tabulations, one of reasons
to become a father and the other of reasons why the reader might not
wish to become a father.
The authors proceed to spend much
of the rest of their book elaborating on all seven of their points to
becoming a father. Regarding communicating with your own dad, they
note that when expecting his own child it is common for a father to
feel a closer identity with his own Dad and to try to communicate with
him. The writers offer explicit suggestions as to calling up your
father in your memory and addressing him first in your imagination,
regardless of whether he is still living or not. Pages 35-36 contain a
fantastic “Fathers Past” worksheet where the reader is invited to
recall and write down specific information about his father and
grandfathers. What were Dad or Granddad good at? What were they
passionate about? What antics did your father get up to as a kid? Who
was his favorite musician? What was unique about him? These exercises
may be all the more telling and important when, like me, you have a
father about whom a lot of these questions are hard to answer. The
reader is invited to list the things his father did to him that he
doesn’t want to do to his own kids.
Regarding self-care, Pudney and
Cottrell remind their readers that they are entitled to do a whole
range of things regarding which new dads may feel some reluctance,
including feeling fearful or tired, getting upset, worrying, having
privacy and friends, eating well, and having a say over their baby’s
care and future. Sounds simple, maybe even obvious, yet for myself I
can say that virtually every concern they list turned up for me at
some point or another during our son’s first months of life.
Pudney and Cottrell’s suggestions
for making hospitals more father-friendly demonstrate thought and
concern for Dads’ well-being and may provoke some useful thoughts in
the reader. On pages 101-102 they provide a wonderful list of benefits
a child can receive from its father (being held by Dad, feeling Dad’s
arms and hands, having a father who can bathe, feed, nurse and change
the child, etc.) though I was disappointed that the writers chose the
legalistic formulation of “a new baby’s rights.” I was satisfied with
the short but fairly thorough discussion of circumcision, which could
have been improved only by a mention of the value of the intact tissue
that is removed in the procedure.
In case you consider being a bit
perturbed, as I was at first, by the need to include a female
co-author in a book for expectant fathers, Cottrell takes the lead and
effectively justifies her presence in the visionary, inspirational
chapter “to mothers about fathers” but otherwise seemingly, and
rightly, allows her partner to take the lead in addressing his fellow
dads. A mother can help a father in many ways tabulated in this
chapter, including encouraging him, accepting that he will do things
differently, maintaining your friendship and loverhood, listening to
your partner and his experiences, being patient, etc. Pudney and
Cottrell end their book with a grand finale, an awe-inspiring list
occupying five full pages of “hopes and dreams for my child” which
might more accurately be described as a list of issues to be addressed
in raising the child. Will the baby learn a musical instrument? Will
Dad do things with the baby without asking “permission”? what foods
will we feed our baby? Will we allow war toys? Gender-specific toys?
While many of the issues mentioned here will be worked out through the
passage of time and the daily to’s and fro’s of marriage and
parenthood, reading through this list of choices that lie ahead may
offer an overview of and preparation for the coming months and years.
As always with Finch, the book
receives lovely production, with a beautiful cover picture of a father
and a newborn baby, high quality paper and a pleasing typeface, and a
very accessible, appealing layout.
This book will certainly not be
ideal for everyone. Some may find it hard to connect with the authors’
somewhat implicit counter-cultural perspective. For example, many
North American readers may find somewhat of a clash between their own
sensibilities and those expressed in a nine-page chapter on
“breastfeeding fathers” which unapologetically assumes the
advisability of breastfeeding (which I personally fully endorse).
Others may find it too short in
length to cover all topics in depth, though all books for expectant
dads seem (rightly, in my view) to strive for readability and
conciseness.
Anyone open-minded enough to take
what the authors have to offer will find much of value. In fact, it is
precisely Pudney’s and Cottrell’s focus on emotional, sexual, and
self-care aspects of fatherhood which accounts for their book’s great
usefulness. One can always figure out how to change a diaper; what can
be much more elusive is devising the proper balance of work and family
time and receiving information on how to seek out other men capable of
supporting one in one’s new role
©2003 J.
Steven Svoboda
