Fathers After
Divorce: Building a New Life and Becoming a Successful Separated
Parent by Michael Green. Sydney, Australia: Finch Publishing, 1998.
306 pp. A$19.95.
www.finch.com.au.
Michael Green, himself a separated
father and Australian lawyer, has written and Finch Publishing has
printed this top-notch, comprehensive book setting forth information
in all the different areas likely to be confronted by a newly
separated or divorced father. The author systematically walks the
reader through all pertinent areas, from legal issues relating to
divorce and custody, to repartnering and stepfamilies, and on through
the entire gamut including touching on emotional issues of survival.
Although this book is nominally geared to divorced dads in Australia,
the issues faced in different countries are so similar, and most of
the suggestions are general enough and sage enough that this work will
assist a divorced father in any English-speaking first world country.
Green’s tone is just right:
realistic and therefore pessimistic about some subjects, while at the
same time always finding some kernels of hope and even inspiration
hopefully capable of helping to carry the readers through the dark
hours they are likely to confront. Occasionally, on those issues for
which regrettably little realistic hope exists, the writer provides
his own respectful and wise perspective on the best approach to
preserve a man’s own sanity and self-respect as well as to best
promote his children’s welfare.
I appreciated all the diverse yet
functional ways Green breaks up “Fathers after Divorce” into bite-size
chunks: one or two subject headings per page, a pungent, on-point
cartoon by “Somerville” at the beginning of each chapter, a feature
titled “The Big Picture” in each chapter, frequent compilations of
“tips” on whatever the current topic is, chapter-ending checklist of
questions and “positive thoughts and resolutions.”
Right off the bat, the book gives
a list of six things done and six things not done by men who are
successful at coping with separation. These men do talk about what
they are going through and find a way to accept the changes in their
lives. They set up a decent home and routine for themselves, establish
a network of support, stay as close as possible to their kids, and
accept some responsibility for what has occurred. On the other hand,
they do not stay angry for too long, refuse to accept the changes,
persist in blaming their ex-partner, or pull away from their kids.
Possible sources of support are suggested: the workplace (tell your
co-workers about what has happened), friends, men’s groups,
professional support. However, the difficulty of the new position is
not sugarcoated. The author tabulates the numerous adjustments, as the
separated father typically loses his traditional role, must learn to
care for his kids, lacks support, and must create a new home.
Green gives obviously hard-won
advice on telling your children about the separation, answering their
inevitable questions and calming their fears. He stresses the crucial
need to accept divorce. Although it is understandable why a man might
resist acceptance, continued resistance can keep him depressed and
bitter and is likely to poison his relationship with his children. The
writer advises that factors that can help make a divorce not only
survivable but even sometimes a good thing include a willingness to
accept it, communication and compromise, placing the children’s
interests first, taking care of oneself, and working through guilt,
blame and loss. Divorce can be good if it enables you to look at
yourself and develop, to become a better father, to reflect and plan,
and to create new relationships.
Green seems to have a knack for
mentioning points that may seem obvious, though only after you read
them! But this is the secret behind some great wisdom. And this is
exactly what the newly divorced father needs, advice some of which
maybe he could figure out for himself if only he weren’t in the
situation he is in. For example, the author suggests that instead of
using negative language referring to a “broken home,” that divorced
dads mention their children having two homes. Instead of saying your
ex-wife has custody and you used to have a family, talk about how you
get to see your family of two children on weekends. This is part of
avoiding the victim mindset. The writer does occasionally overstep, as
when he somewhat whitewashes the damaged caused to children by
divorce. This does not do anyone any favors. At the same time, the
author makes a valid point that the worst problems suffered by
children after a divorce may arise not from the separation per se but
rather from nastiness between their parents.
Green’s advice is usually very
grounded and sensible. Divorced dads should set appropriate limits
with their children and not try to buy their affection. If the ex-wife
tries to use the father’s desire to see his children as a way of
manipulating money out of him, he must regretfully tell the kids he
cannot see them that time, as such nonsense must be nipped in the bud
or it will never stop. If the child does not want to see you, even if
manipulation by the mother is probably responsible, the father should
be as upbeat and nonreactive as possible. Fighting between parents
must stop for the children’s sake.
The author seemingly thinks of
everything, suggesting dads take breathing space before starting a new
relationship, and offering twenty golden rules of stepfamilies.
(Accept that stepfamily life is going to be tough for a while. Don’t
compare yourselves unfavorably to the perfect happy family.) Keep a
diary on contact and child support events, he counsels. Later he
provides some cogent analysis of how courts take the easy way out in
determining the “best interest” of the child, putting far too much
stress on what is easiest in the short term. He has thought through a
detailed proposal for eliminating the adversarial family court system
except as a last resort. Nor is this a rabid dog sort of divorced
fathers book. Green parcels out some tough yet fair wisdom about the
need to make support payments; after all, they are YOUR children.
Difficulties with the child support system are discussed in detail, as
is the unfairness in permanently assigning the marital residence to
the mother. “This ‘golden egg’ that she receives at the expense of the
husband is worth much more than the ‘accomodation’ factor by which it
is presently justified.” Why should one parent be impoverished to
benefit the other when—since they are both parenting the children—they
have the same accommodation needs?
Present also is a detailed chapter
near the end of the book on self-care including physical and mental
health. Green takes time to sketch out a number of different
suggestions and organizing principles include reading books, reading
the newspaper, writing, spending time in solitude, professional help,
men’s group, gaining control, and developing self-reliance. This is
one of those easy-to-underrate gems of a book—accessible, incisive,
accurate, and comprehensive.
©2000 J. Steven Svoboda
