In the wake of 2001’s excellent
Spreading Misandry by Paul Nathanson and Katherine Young,
McGill-Queen’s University Press last year published another top-notch
book on men’s issues, Michel Dorais’ Don’t Tell: The Sexual Abuse
of Boys. Although this book originally appeared in French a full
five years previously, in 1997, neither the passage of time nor the
language barrier tarnish it at all, thanks in part to Isabel Denhom
Meyer‘s evidently superlative translation.
Dorais, a Quebec City social work
professor, has spent many years working with male victims of sexual
abuse and knows his subject extensively. His book examines only male
perpetrators, though Dorais acknowledges the existence of female
abusers. The author rightly laments the scarcity of research on abused
boys, and indeed previous works are few and far between and
notoriously difficult to track down.
Once deceived, a boy may come to
believe that all adults are potential abusers. To me, the greatest
tragedy of all is that victims may stop believing in the possibility
of relationships that are transparent, sincere, and empathetic.
The most eloquent, heartbreaking
portion of the book are the testimonials Dorais wisely includes from a
number of his clients, which serve to personalize with devastating
directness what might otherwise seem to be abstract, generalized
issues. We may well wonder what can we say to Eric, who tells Dorais,
“I’ll be dead by the time the book is done… If I can pass on AIDS to
other men, there will be fewer to exploit children.”
To a man, the witnesses in Dorais’
book are never the same after their abuse. Sexual victimization flies
in the face of the core of male self-identity, often leading victims
to feel lifelong compulsions to prove to the world and to themselves
that they are neither 1) a child, 2) a woman, nor 3) homosexual.
Children who endured abuse by older or adult males usually have strong
conflicts regarding their sexual orientation, often viciously
rejecting homosexuality while at the same time preferentially if not
exclusively pursuing male sex partners. One particularly sad tale
involves a witness who manages to consider himself heterosexual by
virtue of his selection as sex partners other “heterosexual” males
with whom he joins in beating up gays. Many victims feel convinced
that they are defective or abnormal in terms of their sexual identity
and that any shrewd person will discover this and victimize them
again. Many spend the rest of their lives recreating their abuse, by
seeking out partners of a similar age, by becoming abusers themselves,
by seeking out a “Batman and Robin” type of relationship, or even in a
redemptive manner by attempting to protect other children from abuse.
If you have been abused and are
male, you are likely to suffer from sleep problems, hypervigiliance,
psychosomatic discomforts, and/or abuse of drugs and/or alcohol. Abuse
may serve as a training ground for prostitution for you. You may
experience a dichotomy between your self and your body. You may have
the impression that you do not belong to the male community. In short,
you don’t have too many great options.
Often the only one “punished” is
the victim. Families tend to side with the abuser and to disbelieve
the victimized boy. When they do react, sometimes it is the “gay”
behavior that concerns them more than the abuse. Even when a case does
manage to wend its way into court, judges typically let perpetrators
off very lightly. Moreover, a misplaced sense of male solidarity as
well as understandable fear often prevent a boy from pursuing his
abuser. Dorais examines the four quadrants of male-male sexual
victimization, involving familial and extra-familial cases, and the
same or different generations for victim and perpetrator. Some of the
effects and details differ between these four cases, but all have
devastating, lifelong consequences for the victim.
A boy’s difficult relationship
with his father predisposes him to seek any available form of
tenderness, wherever it might be available. In the case of father-son
incest, the son often perceives it on some level as the only available
path to intimacy with Dad. Of course, the resulting lack of trust can
only further alienate the boy, who is likely to wonder how he can
trust any adult now.
Perpetrators are often boys only a
few years older than the victim. Child molesters may begin their
careers very early and are frequently themselves survivors, who replay
the same traumatic scenario with roles reversed as soon as they feel
that they can be the stronger one. Abused men may find themselves
unable to express themselves emotionally in terms of love or sex. Love
is associated with future deception or suffering. Sexuality becomes
only a matter of a power relationship, a “dog-eat-dog” view in which
victims strive to become dominators.
Apart from a few typographical
errors, including one unfortunate one that gives two different ages a
decade apart for a witness, I only have two criticisms of this
excellent book: At one point, Dorais entirely squanders a golden
opportunity to clarify the issue of false memories of abuse. Secondly,
twice in the early chapters, the author devotes some space to
discussing other cultures in which man-boy sexual relationships are
accepted. Since the rest of the work is devoted to Canadian cases,
this issue comes across as a distraction, a potential apologia for
abuse, and a total red herring despite Dorais’ futile attempts to
connect the dots by contrasting abuse in our society.
Somewhat miraculously, in part due
to the human interest of the individual stories, and in part due to
his and his translator’s skills, Don’t Tell never becomes as
hard to read as you might expect. Ultimately Dorais’ message is one of
hope, though not of reasonless optimism. In fact, the author notes
that despite growing awareness of the problem of female victimization
by sexual abuse, male victimization remains relatively unacknowledged
and unexamined. Nevertheless, Dorais presents to us individual
witnesses who are devoting their lives to helping other children
(either potential victims of sexual abuse or in other contexts) and to
thereby conquering the demons they first met at all too young an age.
And we learn concrete ways to
help. Dorais believes that we must demand that prevention campaigns
target both victims and aggressors. Since abusers rely on the
ignorance, vulnerability, and even guilt of their child victims, frank
and age-appropriate sex education will help prevent abuse. Health
professionals, social workers, and therapist must be better prepared
to recognize and help victims. Michel Dorais managed to negotiate a
delicate dance that acknowledges that most perpetrators were victims
while failing to absolve them of responsibility and rejecting the view
of abusers as merely suffering from an illness that excuses their
acts. Handsomely produced as it is, this book is likely to remain for
years to come the most accessible and definitive work on a critically
important topic.
©2003 J. Steven Svoboda
