The Smart Couple’s Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams:
Planning Together for Less Stress and More Joy

By By Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski

Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski, husband-and-wife psychologists and authors of three books previously reviewed by me in these pages (The New Intimacy, Opening to Love 365 Days a Year, and Be Loved for Who You Really Are) have just published a new book on their favorite topic, love and marriage. In a literal sense, The Smart Couple’s Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams covers a narrower subject than any of their three previous books.  But actually, predictably enough given the authors’ excellent writing skills and tireless, creative devotion to promoting passion, their latest offering manages to transcend the limits of the genre of wedding guides.  Not seeing a book that went beyond the technicalities of wedding planning and touched the spirit of the event, they took the plunge and wrote it!

Perhaps the best way to describe The Smart Couple’s Guide is as a combination of two things: 1) a collection of many wonderful true stories from married couples about their special celebrations; and 2) an alternative wedding guide that primarily addresses issues omitted from most or all other wedding guides.  So if you are searching for a list of wedding caterers, or suggestions for choosing the best wedding photographer, there probably are better books for you (also Judith and Jim do provide some insights on most of these more traditional wedding planning issues). 

But there are several other scenarios in which this might be a great book for you to read, and many of them don’t even require that you are planning a wedding!  If you are preparing to tie (or re-tie) the bonds of matrimony and want to read a book by two authors with a great understanding of issues of the heart and spirit behind marriage, this book is for you.  If you want a book that will cover topics that elude other wedding guides, The Smart Couple’s Guide is for you.  And if you are a fan of stories of love, tears will come to your eyes on almost every page as you read through the many wonderful hand-picked stories Judith and Jim have chosen to illuminate their points.  (The tales from their own wedding and those of their close relatives were quite welcome.)  I’m very glad I read this book despite its lack of applicability to me as I approach my fifth anniversary of being happily married.  Just try to keep a dry eye as you read about how one couple had their first “chicken pot pie” date, symbolizing their down-to-earth commitment to each other, at the ceremony itself, where they treated all guests to (you guessed it) the dish representing their love!

So what are some of these subjects that are left out of other guides but examined here?  For starters, the ten key issues of married life to discuss with your spouse-to-be before tying the knot.  (Each issue is helpfully enumerated along with numerous sub-issues belonging to that category.)  The male engagement ring—yes?  No?  A list of questions to ask each other and yourselves regarding budgeting, another list of questions regarding invitations, and still another set of queries about finances.  The name change issue: who should change names, and why?  The authors even broaden the mission of the book to encompass some topics beyond the four corners of their subject, such as a list of smart money behaviors.

A couple times I had to take my hat off in admiration to Judith and Jim for the outlandish creativity of some of the issues they covered.  So we get a list of sample lines you can use to draw your boundary when that pesky relative tries to horn in on what should be your special day.  And Judith and Jim give pointers on how to deal with guest misbehavior.  Should you have a bachelor party?  How about if you do it as a roast of the groom (wish I’d thought of that idea for the bachelor/bachelorette party held one week before my wedding!)?  Or how about if it’s done as a wine tasting?  By the end of the book, I was half-expecting a little man to pop out of the last page and ask me what further assistance I needed, but I guess even these authors are limited by current technological capabilities. 

Judith and Jim remind us to expect old patterns to surface in our marriage, and that marriage can be approached as a psychological workshop.  Tears will come to anyone’s eyes on reading the heartfelt vows that are listed here.  One of many wonderful stories is the tale of the surprise wedding that was held in the elementary school class taught by the bride, with the principal officiating and her students the only guests. 

The authors, while clearly fans of non-traditional events, to their credit, do take some concrete positions on certain issues rather than adopting an “anything goes” approach.  For example, they recommend you just say no to money dances and money trees as in poor taste.  I’m not sure I fully agree with their recommendations that bride and groom frontally face the audience rather than facing each other but I appreciate their thinking.  They also recommend that photographs be taken before the ceremony, for a range of practical and emotional reasons.

The book closes with a chapter on the honeymoon and the couple’s transition back to real life.  Some may prefer to focus on the magic of the “perfect day,” but isn’t creating the best, most magical real life possible one of the main reasons we choose to get married in the first place?  Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski certainly hope so.  With their help, we can learn to create a special day that may prove only the first of many in a long, exciting voyage of discovery we can take together with our spouse.

©2006 J. Steven Svoboda