Straight Talk for Men about Marriage: What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know About Men)

By Martin G. Friedman ©2006

A corporate consultant runs into rocky times in his marriage but finds a way to continue, eventually creating a better, richer relationship than he had ever had before, and he leaves his corporate job and becomes an advisor to men about marriage. That may sound like an unusual career path but that’s the route taken by Marty Friedman, author of Straight Talk for Men About Marriage.

The author has put together an appealingly presented, male-friendly guide to improving the quality of our marriages. As Friedman is the first to point out, this isn’t exactly rocket science. We need to learn to do the basics. A marriage is a path to learning about ourselves. Projecting our discontent onto our spouse doesn’t do either of us any favors.

Friedman made a few points I particularly liked. He encourages men to view themselves in gender comfortable terms as the relationship warrior, struggling for truth, while allowing their wives to be the relationship managers. He calls on men to be honest in their marriage and to keep their wives apprised of their whereabouts, both physical and (as best we can) emotional.

A short section on how our own parents affect our marriage is very instructive. Many of us fail to realize or else forget that we are usually looking for a parent when we seek a partner. For us as for our wives, our spouse frequently stands in for both good and bad aspects of our own mother and father. We are setting ourselves up to try to get from our spouse what we failed to get from Mom and Dad, but if we are too unconscious about this process, we are setting ourselves up for failure and misery. At the same time, if we bring it to light, it can fuel a path toward greater self-awareness.

Learn to be vulnerable, Friedman encourages us, but be vulnerable in a way that feels comfortable. The author is very male-friendly in his tone and certainly does not want men to be more like women. What he does want is for both men and women to learn to present ourselves to each other in a way that makes it likely that we can get along and help each other to move along in our life paths.

A final chapter directed to women demonstrates the author’s fair-mindedness and devotion to promoting greater marital understanding and harmony. “Straight Talk for Men About Marriage” may not be the deepest, most profound book ever written about matrimony and self-discovery; it is probably surpassed by a number of works that start from a more advanced level, written by people like John Lee, John Bradshaw, Aaron Kipnis and Elizabeth Herron, Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks, John Welwood, David Deida, Dr. Warren Farrell, and others. But I can’t think of a better first book to offer to a struggling male relative or friend. Marty Friedman doesn’t pretend to offer all things to all people, but I do believe he has something to offer all of us of the male persuasion who are married and interested in improving that core relationship in our lives.

©2006 J. Steven Svoboda