The Blessings of Being Different
by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
© 2006
We married eighteen years ago. Jim
had been married twice before and this was Judith's first walk down
the aisle. While we loved each other in ways we couldn't even
explain, we also knew that our differences were a major
challenge.
Each of us is opinionated, head strong, known to get defensive, and
more often than we'd like to have admitted back when we were first
married, downright stubborn. So our irritation and anger at each
other over the big and little differences that cropped up most
every day had to be dealt with or we would be one of those couples
claiming "irreconcilable differences" in divorce court. And that, we
agreed, was out of the question.
Meant To Be Together
We knew we were meant to be together. But how were we going to deal
with all the ways we were so different from each other?
Before we married we talked about the issue of our differences many
times. And in our wedding vows we made sure to commit to resolving
conflicts in ways that would honor each other's differences. That
was all fine and good.
But we still kept getting into arguments and fights about dumb
stuff like Jim leaving the kitchen towel in the television room
after he'd taken it there along with a snack. Later Judith would be
cooking and . . . the towel would be gone. Or Jim would get really
upset when Judith walked into his office and interrupted to ask him
what seemed like a trivial question while he was working in his
computer. Jim couldn't believe Judith could be so inconsiderate and
self-centered. And Judith couldn't believe Jim could be so
inconsiderate and self-centered.
Oh sure, we came up with "rules" and "policies" meant to organize
our behavior and that helped to some degree.
But it wasn't until we started to study the issue of differences for
the relationship workshops we began to give and the book we started
to write, that we arrived at the spiritual truth that helped us the
most.
The Spiritual Truth About Differences
The fact is, each of us was created to be different. One-of-a-kind
for all time. There has never before been another person just like
Jim, or just like Judith. Or just like you. And there never ever
will be. And that goes for every person, every animal, every thing
on this planet.
When we took that in, really took it in that we weren't supposed to
be alike, and that differences between two people in relationship
are there as crucially important spiritual challenges, then we were
able to open ourselves to each other in nearly miraculous ways.
For example, at first it drove Judith crazy that Jim admired
mountains and cloud formations while he was driving. Judith wanted
to feel safe and that meant eyes on the road at all times. As she
eased off of her one-sided perspective to embrace the miracle of who
Jim really is, she could see that Jim's ability to drive safely and
still look around was not the issue. It was her own separation from
nature that was being challenged by Jim's differing manner of
relating to the world around him.
Little by little Judith realized that Jim's ability to rejoice in
nature was a gift from the Universe sent to help her open up to the
natural bounty beyond her fear. Now, years later, it's just as
likely that Judith will point out to Jim the sunset or the glorious
weeping willow by the roadway.
Likewise Jim, who'd never used an appointment book before meeting
Judith, and who would get annoyed at her list making, daily
planning, and what felt like micro-managing everything, now relies
on the daily planner as much as Judith.
Conflicts Are Necessary Teachers
We could go on and on with examples of how conflicts spurred us to
realize that changes were necessary to help our relationship grow
stronger. They weren't dangerous, those conflicts, unless we prized
our own ways more than we would allow love to lead us in the better
direction.
Now when we get in a fight, and yes, it still happens though not
nearly as often and the brouhahas don't last nearly as long as
when we were first together, we know it's time to examine some
entrenched beliefs or behaviors that are causing us trouble. We
know it's time to grow personally and to grow in our ability to
love each other.
We are different from each other because of the higher purpose for
our lives. After all, how else can we learn what it actually means
to love someone "for better or worse?" unless we are challenged by
the difficulties that are a natural part of being with another
person?
That's how we came to see that our differences are a daily workshop
for overcoming our fantasies about love, fantasies about how the
other person "should be," and fantasies about how we ourselves
should be. Year after year we see ourselves growing further and
further away from the self-centered notion that the other person
should behave, think, or feel "the right way," -- "my way." Year
after year our love grows stronger, richer, more expansive as we
embrace each other's differing ways as being magical, spiritual
gifts from the Universe.
Bestselling authors of four
relationship books, Judith Sherven, PhD and James Sniechowski, PhD
have redefined the future of weddings. From now on brides AND grooms
will be co-partners every step along the way. Be sure to read your
complimentary 2-chapter excerpt from their new book, "The Smart
Couple's Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams." Just go to http://www.smartweddingcouples.com
Enjoy relationship information at
www.themagicofdifferences.com.
For more information about Judith & Jim go to
www.thenewintimacy.com
To book Judith & Jim for a media appearance, corporate training, or
private
coaching contact them at
jimjude@direcway.com
