Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski are Best-selling co-authors of  Be Loved for Who You Really Are : How the Differences Between Men and Women Can Be Turned into the Source of the Very Best Romance You'll Ever Know

What Would Love Do

by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James Sniechowski, Ph.D.
© 2005

Whether you call it moral or sacred, spiritual or common sense, a truly successful relationship is guided by one question -- "What would love do now?" It's not "What's in it for me?" And it's not "How can I manipulate to get more than my share?" And it's never "I'll go without to prove my love." Love only wants what will be in both of your best interests. To define love in action, it couldn't be any other way.

You see, love is an equal opportunity verb. It loves by doing -- so when true love is present both of you are actively giving and receiving. Never just giving, refusing the gifts of love to feign modesty, to avoid embarrassment or discomfort. No, love has us accept what is given to us graciously and with heartfelt respect for the gift of the giver. At the same time, love requires that we see who the other person is and give in ways
that are best suited to that person. It's not what we think they should have, it's what will fulfill the other person's needs and desires. Love never puts anyone down and never causes anyone intentional harm. Love is always an
expression of greater good for everyone involved. It is a form of practical spirituality in action.

When you guide each day, each challenging difficulty between you with the question, "What would love do now?" notice the times when your personality, your ego is in conflict with love's purposes. You feel stubborn! You want
your own way! And you want it now! At those times, take a moment to ask yourself, "Right now, what is more important than love?" And then figure out why..... Usually the answer is going to be self-protective. You feel
you need to be right, because to be "wrong" or to concede that there's more than one way to do something would wreck your self-image or your expectations. Or, you might feel you have to give in to what your lover demands because otherwise you'll end up alone. Yet, you must realize that giving in just produces what you don't want. It makes you invisible to your partner and seals your isolation behind a false front, wrecking any real possibility of creating a true relatedness between equals.

    Once you get your answer to "Right now, what is more important than love?" stop to recognize the truth of what you've discovered about yourself. And then ask yourself again, "What would love do now?" Because now
it is you who needs the force and concern of love to help you grow out of your sabotaging self-centeredness. You must face into the question of what love would do now to provide compassion for yourself, to help you open up to a larger love than you've ever known before. You may have to give up false notions about what love has meant for you, and/or lies you've believed about your unworthiness. And you will now have to learn better how to love yourself -- as is. And require that your partner do the same.

Please continue the process of asking "What would love to now?" until love has won out and so has your relationship

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Copyright 2005 Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D., all rights reserved

Husband-and-wife psychology team Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and Jim Sniechowski, Ph.D., are the bestselling authors of Be Loved for Who You Really Are : How the Differences Between Men and Women Can Be Turned into the Source of the Very Best Romance You'll Ever Know (Renaissance/St. Martin's Press 2001, paperback edition early 2003 from Griffin Books)

Judith & Jim also provide workshops, seminars and lectures to singles and couples nationally and internationally on all issues of gender and relationships. They also consult to corporations on these issues. They've worked with 100,000 people to date.