Chapter 17 Part 2
Recontracting In the Wilderness
Today,
the marriage commitment calls for a true lifetime commitment rather
than the lifestage commitment of our forebears. Cultural and
religious expectations have not changed, even though practice has.
Most marriages must go through several more adult lifestages if they
endure to death, many more than earlier marriages. Each transition
to another stage has the seeds of a crisis. Each crisis carries the
possibility of initiatory transfomation.
The modern committed relationship involves the inevitability of
crises over many lifestage transitions, as men and women live
through more life stages. Mel and Pat Krantzler talk about many of
these new life stages and their commitments in their book The
Seven Marriages Of Your Marriage. However, there is a lack of
modern elders to mirror this new reality. There is little social
support in our society to provide a model for a healthy lifetime
commitment. There is little social awareness of the cost and the
opportunity of a lifetime committed relationship.
If a man is able to realize that his unhappiness is a result of his
lack of initiation, and not the result of choosing the 'wrong'
partner, he has passed a crucial test in his initiatory journey. He
may have chosen a person unsuited to his path, but he will not know
that until after he has passed through several initiatory
experiences, and been transformed by them.
In elder cultures marriage is acceptable for men who have been
initiated. In our elderless, modern time most men are not ready for
psychological initiation until about 35. Yet most of us make at
least one lifetime commitment before that age. If men can use
relationship as an initiatory experience, then premature commitment
takes on meaning and can work.
Age 35-45 is the time that the traditional marriage crisis happens.
It is also the time the initiatory archetype becomes a strong inner
drive. These dual crises can provide the terrible opportunity for
deep initiatory work that can lead to a true lifetime commitment, as
well as to the goal of full manhood. As in all crises there is
danger in the opportunity. Recontracting, itself, can trigger the
initiatory archetype. Recontracting a relationship at a deep level
involves participating consciously in an initiatory experience.
Recontracting involves, first, an acknowledgment of the loss of the
previous relationship. For the inner boy this often means a
separation from a wife as a mother figure. Sometimes the wife in a
marriage starts this separation by her own maturing process. A
maturing wife or partner will no longer accept the expected role of
being understanding and amenable. She might no longer accept the
male role as the 'head of the family'. Since she is looking less for
a father figure, she will feel less of a need to take the lead from
her husband.
Sometimes it is the emerging man who will actively separate. For
example, a man will no longer accept an angry, controlling
mother/wife and is willing to face the risk of the aloneness of no
mother at all. This may be after years of having chosen to 'go along
to get along'. Maybe the boy has been so frightened that he settled
for peace at any price, just to keep the fearsome separation at bay.
Or maybe the boy was addicted sexually, and refused to give up the
high of sexual pleasure and union for the aloneness of separation.
One day he might realize that the mother connection is not worth his
pain. He will face his fear of anger as separation instead of
enduring the neurotic anxiety of worrying about her reactions.
Tim was depressed because he felt that Beatrice should support him
no matter what job he chose. He was hurt by her lack of
understanding and support. He was also hurt because Beatrice would
withdraw from him whenever he was depressed or inactive. He felt
Beatrice abandoning him slowly, over a number of years, as he
struggled with job and depression.
Soon after Tim came to counseling he was feeling a strong sense of
separation. His initiatory depression had been triggered. He was
most troubled by a wife who didnŐt support him. I started talking
about boundaries and the need for separation. I talked of making his
involuntary separation voluntary. I talked of the steps of
initiation, and of his need to separate from Beatrice as a mother
object. He needed to set healthy boundaries in terms of making
decisions about his life that were most authentic to him, which
meant risking emotional as well as physical separation. He had to
learn to face her anticipated anger without losing himself or
withdrawing behind village walls. He had to go his initiatory way
and face his aloneness, even in a marriage.
I
had to explain to him that feeling alone in a marriage is not always
a bad sign, but can signal the onset of initiation. I told him he
would have to be alone together for a time if he were to grow. I
told him that Beatrice was not his elder.
When I saw the couple together, I had to explain their unconscious
contract. I told them that their marriage was in jeopardy unless
they could recontract. They already knew that the marriage was
floundering. They were both scared and unsure of their strength to
follow the recontracting course. Yet they knew they wanted to stay
together. They were two people with dedication to each other. They
realized they had to grow individually or their neurotic pain would
never go away. They tentatively started to take initiatory steps.
I
talked to them about setting new boundaries in their marriage, with
new expectations and different agreements. I talked of grieving the
old contract and the old marriage. I talked of doing this
recontracting work slowly, and that it would take a good deal of
time. I talked of how confusing and painful this would feel.
The initiatory loss of the old marriage will always bring
disorientation and a feeling of not having a place. A man will feel
married legally but have no sense of a real marriage. This is a very
confusing state of mind, a sign one is in the wilderness. A man is
in the limbo of the other side, where he is neither married nor
single. He is surrounded by the paradox of the other side.
Often both members of the couple will find themselves not acting
like married couples 'should' act. Neither will know how to act in
the limbo of no contract, with the uncertainty of no guaranteed
commitment. Depression will follow. This will be both the depression
of loss, and the initiatory depression. This depression will often
cause disruption of the process for most men, because they will take
depression as a sign that the process is not working. Yet a man and
a woman need to stay in this initiatory place, sometimes for
extended periods of time, for the recontracting to work.
The limbo between contracts always feels like nothing is happening.
All feels lost. There seems no well-being anywhere, since previous
sources of nurturing have taken away with the previous contract, and
previous roles have no meaning. Both find themselves in the
wilderness. This separation is the time of being alone together.
Individual initiatory aloneness is predominant.
The separation doesn't need to be physical, though sometimes it is.
For the separation is really happening in the soul of each partner.
Each member of the couple is already in the wilderness of their own.
This is an initiatory time not only for the man, but for the woman
and the couple. The couple will increasingly question the paradox of
how separation and aloneness can possibly help two people get
closer. Yet, If both members of a couple don't go through a
transformation, the couple will countinue to flounder, and the
initiatory paradox cannot work.
I
counseled a couple who were separated physically, as well as
emotionally, and were trying to recontract. However, the wife could
not get past the idea that her husband needed to "come home" before
they could work on the relationship. Whenever some progress was
made, or things went badly, she would angrily demand that he return
to the house as the only way to make it work. She was overwhelmed by
separation, and the consequent paradox of initiation. Because she
could not be alone, she could not be truly together.
Often one member of a couple will feel too overwhelmed to risk
separation and loss. This was usually the member who was most
satisfied with the previous lifestage. This member is not ready to
move on, too frightened to take the risk. Usually this member sees
no need for the major change of recontracting. S/he is not aware of
the danger the relationship is in becasue s/he is looking though
uninitiated eyes. S/he would have voted for rearranging the deck
chairs on the Titanic.
Beatrice was in this position. She was happy with her social life
and feelings of security in the marriage. Even when Tim did not come
as often to social events, Beatrice adapted by finding social
outlets with friends. She was terrified by the risk of Tim finding
another job, possibly with much less pay. She was more terrified by
her nightmares of him never finding a job again.
Beatrice had to face her initiatory pain and aloneness. As Tim was
changing, she felt she didnŐt know him at times. As he set
boundaries around social engagements, she felt abandoned herself. As
he talked of caring less about money and status and more about
meaning, she felt herself sinking into her adolescent depression. As
she felt his anger for not understanding, she wondered what was left
in the marriage. The uninitiated will always see boundaries as
abandonment, separation as tragic.
This is where eldering energy is crucial, for both the man and the
woman. If both members of a couple can consciously and willingly
endure the pain and paradox of feeling intensely alone, while being
in relationship, they will allow the initiatory transformation to
happen. Both will usually need an elder/counselor or an eldering
group to help them understand and endure. As Scott Peck says,
"ultimately, if they stay in therapy, all couples learn that a true
acceptance of their own and each other's individuality and
separateness is the only foundation upon which a mature marriage can
be based and real love can grow."
Tim and Beatrice went through a long time of being alone together.
They both felt the pain of their initiatory work. Both came out the
other side with a stronger sense of self, as well as a much
different sense of what marriage was about. Their new kind of
commitment to each other was something they didn't expect. But it
was something they very much treasured.
Covenant
Even if one member of a couple is stuck in a previous lifestage, the
other, who feels called, should first do his initiatory work before
deciding on the viability of the relationship. Sometimes the
continued work of one member will ultimately provide some motivation
for the other.
On Ground Hog Day, Phil somehow realized that he had to go his own
way, while holding his love for Rita. He had gone through night
after night of night ending slaps, in trying to be with Rita in his
old, narcissistic way. He had tried to forget her through a sexual
addiction with a hairdresser. He had given up trying to manipulate
her emotions in order to seduce her. He was stung by her comment
that he loved nobody but himself.
He ended up going his own initiatory way, with seemingly no hope of
relationship with Rita. In the process of his intiatory depression,
he humbly realizes he is 'a jerk'. He also becomes a person who is
genuinely interested in those around him. When Rita asks him to have
coffee, he hardly notices the attention because he has found
compassion. He casually talks of seeing her later.
Phil has found his initiatory direction. He starts to accept Rita
with no romantic strings, but as a person and friend. His adolescent
is healed. They stay in the same bed. He makes no adolescent moves.
He is content with their closeness. He starts to understand what
real love is.
Phil has given up the illusion of the Ms. Right and the right and
future love. His happiness is in the love of the moment, with no
strings and no guarantees. Having grieved so many expectations and
regressive needs, Phil is able to love purely in the present. This
breakthrough allows the couple to go into the next day with a sense
of soul connection that makes for a true covenant.
In fact, any long term relationship will have to go through numerous
big and little recontracting times, if it is to be healthy and
vibrant. Couples who use their relationship as initiatory
experiences are able to see major 'crises' as necessary
opportunities for growth. The first major recontracting that a
couple goes through will initiate them into a new kind of coupleness.
They will come to realize that healthy commitment involves depth of
soul not length of time. Soul depth involves a connectedness that
transcends many contracts and doesn't rely on the 'sacredness of
commitment' to keep it alive. Soul depth turns a contract into a
covenant.
The couple will realize that a lifetime commitment is a covenant
with a deep sense of soul connection that transcends even marrriage.
A covenant is open to many transformations and many initiatory
transitions that involve risk and change, sometimes even the change
of permanent separation. Covenant always repects the individual
journey first, but also opens one to the profound affect another can
have on that journey. Separation is rare when soul connection has
been formed.
A
contract works on the status quo. A marriage contract assumes no
change. A marriage covenant mirrors life itself, with its many lives
within a life. A covenanted marriage welcomes change as a sign of
life, and welcomes life wherever it leads. If two people go deep
within the wilderness of their own soul, they will also find the key
to their coupleness there. After a number of successful
recontracting, a sense of covenant will usually form. There will be
a sense of calling as a couple as strong as an individual calling.
Coupleness then becomes a sacred thing, an intimate part of the
personal journey. The question of length of time will seem
irrelevant. One lifetime will feel too short.
A
paradox often comes into play when one member of the couple starts
doing initiatory work, as Phil did. When the initiatory work
happens, a maturing person, especially a man, starts needing the
other less, but wants the other more. This lessening of need allows
an individual to wait on a stuck partner, without the feeling of
desperation or overwhelming aloneness. And a man doing his
initiatory work will find that he has much less time to obsess about
the relationship, because he is caught up in his own work. Time and
its meaning change. And goals change. As a result, a man may be led
to stay in a relationship for good reasons he will only realize
later.
But the challenges for a lifetime covenant are enormous and the
pitfalls are many. If one's partner is not able to move to the next
stage, including recontracting, an initiated man may feel led to
separate physically and go a different way. This means divorce or
permanent separation. An initiated man will take an active part in
this situation, without being impulsive or vengeful. Upon separation
he will feel mostly sadness. Heavy sadness, with little anger or
desperation, is usually the sign that the man has worked through
this separation as an initiatory experience.
If a couple is able to recontract they will have built a whole new
relationship. They will have achieved an invaluable initiatory step
that will also be initiatory for each individual. Marriage will then
become a true source of inspiration, motivating a man to continue
his initiatory journey to completion.
After his initiation Tomme leaves his family to find his beloved. He
is now able to marry. He finds her in her familyŐs compound. She
lets him take her away from her family with the mock violence of
radical separation. They both separate from mother and father. They
are man and woman. They consummate their marriage in the wilderness.
Larry Pesavento ©2005
