Do You Feel Unappreciated in Your Family ?
by
Mark Brandenburg, M.A., C.P.P.C., C.S.C.
© 2007
I’d had about as much as I could handle for one day.
My computer was frozen, I was tired from a weekend with little
sleep, and I was working in a yard that would soon need a scythe to
cut it. Kids activities were crowding an already crowded schedule,
and there seemed like no time to relax.
When do other people find the time to do all these things?
As I entered my house, I marveled at how sore a human body could get
from yard work. I was still annoyed that my kids had left stuff in
the backyard after repeated requests to pick them up. And, I’d been
noticing that the rest of my family had done their share of relaxing
while I toiled in the yard. I needed about a month to get caught up,
and I was not ready for any more to be put on my plate.
“Honey, will you make dinner?” my wife called from the family room.
A very angry voice appeared in my head, saying things to me which
weren’t supportive of maintaining a kind, loving family. I
considered a few suggestions from this voice, before discussing the
dinner plans with my wife. It became clear from this discussion that
my wife had her own issues going on.
I swallowed hard, and went into the kitchen to start dinner. The
angry voices went with me. “That’s some gratitude for you!” I said
to myself. “Does anyone notice how hard I’m working? I’m absolutely
invisible!”
Where was the adoration for a job well done in the yard? Where was
the back massage and cold drink that I was so deserving of? (The
fantasies of a victim have no boundaries!).
In the drama that played out in my head, I was a hard-working father
who did all the right things, and a victim of an unappreciative
family. I felt completely justified in blaming my family for not
acknowledging me more. And of course, by blaming them I would spread
the virus of blame around my family faster than a brush fire. I
would feel “right,” and I could feel justified in seeing them as
“wrong,” and as “blameworthy.”
Fortunately for me, there was no back massage and no cold drink.
There was not even any acknowledgement for a job well done. There
was only my own realization that I had failed to remember my purpose
in my family and on this earth. I had failed to remember that I am
not “owed” love by my family. Our job as parents is to discover love
as the fundamental fact of life. It is to bring this expression of
our love into the world.
Parents across the world have reason to be grateful, for we’ve all
embarked on the world’s most complete and intensive course on love.
While we may resist it at times, we’re called every day to express
the deep reservoir of love within us. But sometimes, because we’re
busy blaming others, we miss the call completely.
Fathers go through periods when they feel “outside” of their family.
We feel neglected, or we feel invisible. Or, we may feel like we’re
simply a “paycheck.” But what’s really happened is we’ve forgotten
we’re not on this planet to “get” love from our family members.
We’re here to discover the boundless love that’s always been in us.
After catching myself in my “victim’s dungeon,” I began to climb my
way out. “Hey, have I got a great dinner cooked up for all of you,”
I said.
And although the response wasn’t overwhelming, I didn’t even flinch.
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC,
coaches busy fathers by phone to balance their life and
improve their family relationships. Mark is an Instructor
for the Academy for Coaching Parents (www.acpi.biz), and the
author of “25 Secrets of Emotionally Intelligent Fathers.”
http://www.markbrandenburg.com/father.htm
Visit him and the free
resources at his site at http://www.markbrandenburg.com
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