HANDS-ON DADS ARE
IMPORTANT
by
Kyle Pruett, MD
© 2002
Fathers are one of the great, often
untapped, resources in the lives of their children. What dads actually
do with their kids matters more than how often they do it. Even if a
dad is only available occasionally to dress, feed, and care for a
baby, the child will be sure to benefit. The way fathers hold, touch,
talk to, and play with a baby matters more to the child's overall
development than the amount of time a dad punches on the parental time
clock.
THE DIFFERENCE DAD MAKES
After many years of study, we're beginning to see and understand some
of the differences fathers make in the lives of their children. Here's
how: Dads are creative playmates. A study by psychologist Ross Parke
at the University of Illinois tells us that fathers pick up their
babies differently every time they do it. Dads usually have a quick,
playful interaction, or a tickle or tease, before actually carrying
their child. Babies enjoy this style of play and may encourage it
whenever Dad comes into view.
Dad builds a baby's brainpower. The more information babies get about
dads (Wow, he swings me high in the air!), the more they want. A
baby's brain processes daddy differences as if it were building a
complex jigsaw puzzle. The more successful a baby feels about each
piece of information ( I knew he'd tickle me again! ), the more the
baby wants to keep adding on new pieces. In other words, novel
experiences with Dad build a baby's ability to anticipate certain
events, and this builds brainpower.
Dads cheer babies on. As babies
begin to crawl and toddle, exploring the world under their own steam,
fathers tend to let them roam a bit farther (and take a few more
chances) than mothers generally do. A dads cheerleading helps babies
become confident to approach new experiences.
Dads make great jungle gyms. Another
characteristic of father nurture is the access babies feel they have
to their father's body--hair, mustache, and ears, almost any available
body part. This is fun for kids and it can be an important building
block of intimacy and self-esteem.
Dads promote persistence. When dads
play with their kids, they tend to use fewer props of a specifically
educational value but, rather, they incorporate whatever is around.
Dads encourage problem solving, and combine it with an active play
style, promoting a quality of sticking with it that serves children
well when they're in school and later, in the workplace.
Dads widen kids social horizons. In
my own research, I've found that when fathers are as prominent in
their children's lives as their mothers are, children learn to
negotiate two important, separate, and different relationships. Having
a distinct relationship with both a father and a mother from an early
age equips children to deal with the broader, more diverse range of
people they'll meet in the future.
Dads are world-view disciplinarians.
Mom is more likely to ask a child to stop doing something because, It
hurts Mommy when you don't listen to her. In other words, she uses her
emotional relationship with the child as a reference point. Dad is
more likely to remind a child of the social implications of selfish or
rude behavior. He might say, Max, nobody will want to play with you if
you keep that up. Of course, Dad may also teach something about
relationships and Mom about the world, but each basic message tends to
be distinct, and it is a fortunate child who hears the harmony in both
of these tunes.
Dads help sons to be nurturing. A
boy whose father has bathed and fed him knows that nurturing is
something dads do. And when it's his turn to be a dad, he'll think of
nurturing as part of his masculine identity, and he'll honor it just
as his own mom and dad did.
Dads help daughters feel competent.
A daughter who has been helped to feel both feminine and powerful by a
loving, caring dad knows that the world is an intriguing, fascinating
place that is hers to enter, shape, contribute to, and enjoy.
But as profound an effect as men
have on their children reverse may be truer. When a man becomes a
father, he often softens around the edges, becoming protective in ways
he's never been before. A new dad may even remember a particular
moment when he realized that he was doing great, just being himself
with his child.
Kyle Pruett, M. D. is a clinical
professor of psychiatry at Yale University Child Study Center. Adapted
from an article in Work & Family Life newsletter.
Copyright 2003 Kyle Pruett, MD, all rights reserved
