FATHER FACTOR
Excerpt
by
Dr. Stephan B. Poulter © 2006
Chapter 1
Fathers Matter
The Impact on What You Do and How You Do It
It
wasn't until after my third personnel conflict with a male
supervisor within a six-month period that I noticed a troubling
pattern. It was only then [I had] the idea that my relationship with
my father might have something to do with my career problems.
Linda, age
twenty-nine
I have always wanted and sought my
father's approval. I rarely received his support and approval. I
still look for it at times with colleagues and clients. It is a
vicious cycle: I want my father's support, and I know it will never
happen the way I want it to he isn't that kind of man.
Mike, age
thirty-seven
Some people are very skeptical about
the impact their fathers have had on their careers, especially if
they've chosen jobs that are different from their dads'. "I'm a
lawyer, and my father was an electrician, so obviously he hasn't had
any influence" is a typical response to being asked whether one's
father had any effect on one's career choice.
The father factor exerts its influence in many different ways, not
just whether you followed in dad's professional footsteps. It can
create your most significant weakness on the job as well as your
most significant strength. It can determine your level of job
satisfaction. And it applies to women as well as to men, to the
middle-aged as well as to young people. It is a timeless influence
that must be properly understood if you're going to maximize your
individual potential and ability in your career and life. The
foundation for your career direction, the father factor directs your
career selection and development, both consciously and
unconsciously; your ability to excel; and your ability to develop
meaningful professional relationships. Your father's particular
parenting style is the template that forms the father factor in your
career.
If you're still wondering about its existence, try an experiment.
Think about a conflict with a boss or a subordinate that occurred
relatively recently. Perhaps your boss called you into his office to
complain about your performance on a recent project. Perhaps you had
to put a subordinate on probation. Whatever the episode involved,
summarize it in a paragraph, focusing on your words and feelings at
that moment. For instance:
I told Joan that I could not tolerate her talking rudely to our
major customer again. I explained that I realized this customer
could be a pain but that her behavior was inexcusable. For the next
fifteen minutes or so, I talked while she listened; I essentially
gave her a refresher course on how to treat our clients, Customer
Service 101. I said, "I know you think the customer is a jerk, but
you should be mature enough not to lash out at him the way you did."
As I was talking to her, I felt a bit guilty because Joan is a good
person and solid employee, and the customer was truly a jerk.
After writing your paragraph, answer the following questions:
1. Did what you say in the encounter remind you in any way of how
your father spoke to you when you were a child?
2. Is there anything that you said that was either the exact
opposite of or identical to the tone and substance of your father's
conversations with you?
3. Were your feelings in this encounter similar to or the exact
opposite of those you experienced when you had a conflict with your
dad as a child?
The odds are that, even without going through this formal exercise,
you've experienced situations in which your words or feelings at
work reminded you of an encounter with your father. People commonly
report talking to a subordinate exactly how their fathers talked to
them, even to the point of using the same expressions. They also
frequently recall relating to a boss in the same way that they
related to their father. In other instances, though, the impact of a
father on an adult child's work behaviors is more subtle than many
would expect. This effect is the theme of this entire book and will
be looked at from many different perspectives and under numerous
circumstances.
The key, however, is recognizing that there is an impact. The father
factor is a negative in your career only if it goes unrecognized and
undiscovered. When you're aware of it and learn to manage it, this
factor becomes a positive force. Therefore, let's look at some
issues that should raise your awareness of the profound impact your
father has on your life and your career.
AN IMPACT THAT TRANSCENDS DEATH, GENDER,
AND INTIMACY
One obstacle to appreciating the profound effect of the father
factor is rationalizing it away. For example:
" My father has been dead for fifteen years; how could he still have
an impact on my career?
" I'm a woman, so it makes more sense that my mother rather than my
father has affected my career choices and job performance.
" I was never particularly close with my father, so I don't think he
has much of an impact.
" My father was a nonprofessional and worked at the same job for
forty-two years until his retirement. I am already a professional,
have had two career changes, and have never worked longer than four
years at any one company.
" I never respected my father's work ethic or his work history. I am
completely different.
Let's look at why each of these rationalizations are specious.
If your father has died, that doesn't mean that the feelings from
that relationship are dead. Many of the most important relationships
we will have in our lifetimes are timeless. We carry the impact of
these relationships in our minds and hearts. When women and men of
all ages talk to me about the death of their fathers, even the
people who maintain that they didn't have a close relationship with
their dads say that they were surprised by how much they were
affected. People routinely use terms such as devastating and
overwhelming loss to describe their reactions. It is not unusual for
daughters and sons, then, to suffer from depression and hopelessness
and/or to begin to question life's meaning. It is also common for
adult children to question and ponder their careers after their
fathers' death. Suddenly, a job that they liked may appear trivial
and meaningless.
Years later, this death still has tremendous power and influence.
When some consider leaving a job long after their fathers have
passed away, a number of them note that they can hear their fathers'
voices in their head, "I didn't raise any child of mine to be a
quitter," and they heed that voice. When others decide to make a
significant career change, they often explain it by saying, "I
didn't want to end up dying like my dad and never having had a
chance to do what I really wanted to do." Therefore, don't
underestimate the impact of your father on your career. If your
father is dead, recall the enormity of your feelings about him at
the time of his death. If he's alive, talk to trusted colleagues or
friends whose dads have passed away and ask them whether their
career decisions have been affected by the memory of their fathers.
Many women in fact, some men believe that their mothers had more
influence than their fathers did over the adult professional they
became. No one would argue the commonsense logic that mothers are
invaluable to their children's development. In fact, in the world of
stay-at-home moms and often emotionally or physically absent dads in
which many of us grew up, mothers had the greatest impact on our
lives simply because they were there the majority of the time. Women
certainly are role models for their daughters, and it would be
absurd to suggest that fathers are models for their daughters in the
same way. And because of a distant relationship between many fathers
and daughters, their dads are discounted in terms of importance and
long-term career influence.
Despite all this, however, most of you from the baby boom generation
were probably were raised with a man as the primary breadwinner in
your family. In the prototypical nuclear family or some combination
of it, Dad wore a suit, work clothes, or a uniform and went to work
every day, while Mom was a homemaker. Even if your mother worked,
she was probably viewed overtly or more subtly as second in
importance from a work and financial perspective. Typically, men
made more money; they didn't take time off to have children or to
raise them; and they had "real" jobs (doctor, lawyer, businessman)
as opposed to women, who primarily were in the helping professions
(teacher, nurse, social worker). It is extremely important to note
that being a teacher, nurse, or social worker is by no means less
demanding or important than the traditional male professions. There
was and still is, at times a cultural bias against women that
has been in place for many years. Though things have changed quite a
bit in recent years, typically men still are paid more than women
even in careers such as law, medicine, engineering, and business
(especially at the top corporate levels); men are still less likely
than women to stay at home and raise the children. Women are still
considered the primary parents for their children regardless of
their career status. Those women raised in a traditional home need
to understand their mothers' legacy in the home and also their
fathers' legacy in the business world, for these daughters have a
double-edged sword approach to their career. One side is their
fathers' role and work ethic. The other is their mothers' approach
and view of the working woman. It is critical for all daughters to
understand each parent's beliefs about the home and workplace. It
may be very difficult for a daughter to reconcile her dad's
professional accomplishments against her own professional competence
and her mother's views of what women should be doing.
For these reasons, along with thousands of years of human history,
fathers have generally had a more significant impact on a child's
career choices and work habits than mothers have had. The workplace
has always been a masculine model and arena for men, and men have
been solely defined by their work and the success within it. Most
men still view a failed career opportunity as a personal failure,
and many women feel the same way about men who don't succeed in
their jobs. The home, on the other hand, has been a feminine model
for women. Women have been defined by how well they cared for their
children and tended to home duties. Right, wrong, or otherwise,
these cultural beliefs are very strong and have been in place for
thousands of years. Fathers have always been expected to work the
land or, since the Industrial Revolution, work away from the home
and support all their family's material and financial needs and
wants. In family law court, however, the majority of child custody
cases are settled in favor of the mother having both the legal and
physical custody of the children. The reason is that, regardless of
the father's emotional and mental fitness, women are viewed as
better primary parents. More and more men and women are challenging
these types of cultural stereotypes, but there is considerable
wisdom for a daughter and son to gain from understanding the effect
of their father's work ethic in relation to their beliefs about
their own professional lives.
In terms of the third objection that because a child wasn't close
to a father, the father probably didn't have much of an impact the
opposite is usually true. We live in a society where fathers are
often emotionally absent at home; they cede much of the parenting
responsibility to moms. Children possess a natural psychological and
emotional need for both parents to be present, and, when one isn't,
a negative effect can result. When dads are absent, the effect
usually is most keenly felt in areas such as a work ethic, ambition,
and relating to authority figures. Fathers matter to their children,
and all children naturally crave their fathers' involvement in their
lives. Absence, of course, isn't the only issue that causes career
problems for a child. A father-child relationship that is
problematic, strained, or filled with anger and disappointment may
have a profound effect on everything from career choices to
relationships with colleagues. As negative as this might seem,
there's a positive flip side to it. The relationship with your
father (or stepfather or any male father figure) can provide you
with a wealth of information and insight and that goes even for a
bad relationship! You can use this information and insight to get
back on track or to move your performance to the next level.
Understanding your father's legacy in terms of relationships, work,
and finances can be a powerful resource and springboard for your
career.
Believing that your father's career has no relevance to your own is
often myopic and dangerous. Let's say, for instance, that your
father started working for General Electric right after the war and
stayed with the company for forty-eight years in a non-management
capacity until his retirement. You have gone to college, have an
advanced degree, have worked in several management positions, and
have been laid off twice as a result of corporate mergers. It
appears on the surface that your and your father's career lives have
nothing in common. Consider, for a minute, your father's motivation,
certain career choices, work stability/endurance, and relationship
style. These nonverbal daily behaviors contributed to the very
fabric and foundation of your own father factor. Even if you're a
woman, you have your own father factor, which is your style of
behaving, professionally and otherwise, which was influenced by your
father. You observed your father in his career and watched him
survive in the same place for forty-eight years. Your father's work
behaviors contributed valuable pointers on how to conduct yourself
in your career. There are considerable nuggets of information and
wisdom to be found in how your father survived in the workplace,
managed difficult supervisors, and remained in the same job for so
many years. Don't dismiss his career life because it appears so
different from yours. The same tools can be useful for you to
survive in your career as they were for your father.
Finally, your father may not have been a career role model or the
type of person you care to emulate. The slippery slope of anger,
resentment, and rage in this relationship is one that many daughters
and sons, regardless of age, fall into, desperately trying to become
the professional that their father never was. This career approach
is a reaction to the family trauma that you experienced growing up.
There is an edge of aggressiveness and "cold-heartedness" to
professionals who have never resolved or come to terms with who and
what their father was. The driving force in this son's or daughter's
career is the complete rejection of who and what their father was as
a parent, working adult, and partner to his or her mother. The
career legacy is overcoming the disappointment and disillusionment
of men. Trust of authority figures is a difficult thing for
professionals who have had this type of father-child relationship.
HOW THE FATHER FACTOR WORKS: THE MANY
SOURCES OF ITS POWER
The father factor can work for you or against you; it all depends on
whether you understand and appreciate it or ignore it. Let us assume
you prefer the former. The key to understanding and appreciating
depends on looking at the father-child relationship from the
following perspectives.
1. The four different types of attachment (your emotional bond with
your father). The four types intermittent, avoidant, depressed,
and secure provide clues on how you connect emotionally in
personal and professional relationships. (They are described in
detail in chapter 2). It shouldn't be surprising that people who
formed a secure attachment with their dads when they were young
usually enjoy strong, beneficial work and intimate relationships. A
secure attachment means that a child and his father bonded early in
the relationship and maintained that bond, giving the child a strong
sense of security and a feeling of being loved. This attachment
process provided a basis for all future relationships, allowing the
adult-child to be open, communicative, and trusting of other people.
Of course, not all attachments are equally positive. By
understanding this bond, even under the worst of circumstances, you
can still develop secure, strong emotional bonds with people.
2. Your father's rule book: your father's and grandfather's spoken
and unspoken rules about work, relationships, ethics, and money
matters. Hard work, ambition, and achievement are learned behaviors
in families. The odds are that if you're highly successful, so, too,
was your father and his father before him. While there are many
exceptions to this rule, it generally holds that sons and daughters
follow in the footsteps of their fathers and their grandfathers
concerning work. Even more predictable are the rules of the ways of
relating, which are all based on your internal rule book. This
comprises powerful spoken and unspoken rules, which guide your
behavior, thoughts, and beliefs. Once you are aware of your father's
rule book, you have to update, rewrite, and make it all yours. Most
adults live by their book but seldom consider changing the outdated,
nonproductive behaviors in it. Your father handed this rule book to
you, but it must be reread, rewritten, and re-evaluated for your
career to move forward.
3. Fathering style (daily interactions, behaviors, and communication
with your father). The five basic styles of fathering are the
superachiever, the time bomb, the passive/negligent father, the
absent father, and the compassionate-mentor (which are discussed in
detail in chapters 3 8). These have a tremendous effect on your own
work style, relationship style, and the rules by which you live.
Whether you are a harsh and demanding boss or a pushover depends, to
a significant extent, on your father's parenting style. How your
father interacted with you is a critical piece of personal
information that helped shape your current career choices,
professional relationships, and career potential. Understanding
fathering styles provides the foundation for insight into the father
factor and thus into your career and personal life.
Sam's Story
To give you a sense how these three areas of daily interaction,
behavior, and communication with your father influence jobs and
careers, let's take a look at the case of Sam, a
thirty-eight-year-old associate with a small Cleveland law firm.
Sam's dad, Teddy, was a salesman who was frequently on the road. Sam
remembers weeks going by without seeing or even hearing from his
dad, who drove throughout the Midwest selling machinery parts to
factories. Even when Teddy was around the house, though, he wasn't
particularly involved with Sam's life except when it came to sports.
An avid sports fan and former minor league pitcher, Teddy paid
attention to Sam only when he had a little league game he would go
to all the games, or, if he was on the road, he would call Sam after
the game and ask how it went.
Though Teddy was often away because of work, he didn't work
especially hard, or so it seemed to Sam. In fact, he was fired from
the machinery parts company because the company felt he wasn't
"pulling his weight" Sam remembered hearing the phrase during an
argument his parents had. Over the next ten years or so, Teddy moved
from one sales job to the next, never making much money or
expressing much satisfaction with his work; his most common comment
when he left a company or lost a position was, "It's just a job."
Sam, a good student, knew from the time he was in high school that
he wanted to become a lawyer. He was extremely logical and an
excellent debater he won awards when he was on the high school
debate team and eventually attended one of the country's top law
schools and made Law Review (a ranking of the top law students in
the country). After graduating, he was offered a high-paying job
with one of Cleveland's large corporate law firms. Shortly
thereafter, he married and had two children.
Unfortunately, Sam's career didn't take off as it seemed like it
might have. From the very start, he told his wife that he felt like
a "round peg in a square hole" at the law firm. He hated the
demeaning way that partners treated associates, and, once he had
children, he adamantly refused to travel more than once a month on
firm business, even though all the other associates traveled at
least twice as much as Sam. On more than one occasion, Sam had what
he termed "personality clashes" with partners, generally over issues
that had nothing to do with the work and everything to do with their
"attitudes." When Sam was passed over for partner, he resigned,
telling his wife that he wanted to work for a smaller firm where the
culture was more civilized and the hours more reasonable. Sam,
though, had issues at every small firm he worked for. At one firm,
his boss was lazy and incompetent. At another, the work wasn't
sufficiently challenging. Though he didn't change firms as
frequently as his father changed employers, he worked for five
different firms in twelve years, and he didn't make partner at any
of them.
How did Teddy impact Sam's career path, performance, and job
satisfaction? First, Teddy was an intermittent or avoidant father
emotionally. Teddy's fathering style was primarily absent, even
though they lived together. At best, Teddy was a passive father
toward Sam. Consequently, Sam grew up without ever establishing a
secure emotional attachment with his dad. In turn, he tended to be
wary of most people, especially bosses. He never fully trusted them
or believed what they told him the result of an absent father. Sam
tended to leave law firms prematurely, perhaps because he
unconsciously didn't want to be dismissed, as his father seemed to
dismiss him. Second, Teddy was never a particularly positive role
model in his treatment of money or ambition; he never made a lot of
money or seemed to care much about achievement.
While Sam outwardly wanted to do well and avoid his father's career
path he had chosen law because he not only had the talent for it
but also figured he could make more money and travel less than in
other jobs he seemed to always sabotage himself professionally.
Just about every employer recognized Sam's talent, but it was his
attitude that prevented him from rising above marginal status. Sam
always seemed to be complaining about something, and his attitude
negatively affected his relationships with clients. On more than one
occasion, clients mentioned to Sam's colleagues or bosses that he
seemed "disinterested" or at least not fully engaged. This may well
have been a result of Teddy's avoidant/absent style of fathering.
Except for when Sam played baseball, Teddy had rarely showed much
emotion or interest in his son. Although Sam was much more
emotionally aware and involved with his kids than Teddy was, he was
different at work, putting a barrier between himself and others. He
had an excellent legal mind and did solid work, but he didn't
connect with clients or colleagues. Sam was more like his father at
work than he could ever have imagined, wanted, or guessed.
In thinking about Sam's problems, you should be aware that he was
bewildered and deeply frustrated by his inability to develop to the
level expected, after having been a law school star. It was only
after twelve years of career misfires and with the benefit of
hindsight, reflection, and psychotherapy that Sam began to see how
his father factor had affected him. Not surprisingly, Sam finally
made partner at a midsized law firm when he became aware of how
Teddy was still subtly influencing his job choices and attitude.
Through his growing awareness, Sam took control of his father factor
and made it into a positive influence. Sam was very careful not to
blame his father or their strained relationship for his career
frustration.
REALITIES AND MISPERCEPTIONS OF FATHERS
People experience difficulty overcoming negative career legacies in
large part because they don't see how the events that took place
years ago at home could possibly affect their current careers. This
is a very common career oversight. Sam, for instance, labored under
a number of misconceptions, not only about his father and his impact
on his career but about larger father-child issues. Such
misperceptions cause us to minimize or dismiss things our fathers
said and did when we were growing up. Many of us convince ourselves
that we exist only in the here and now and that what's past remains
in the past. Ironically, this attitude gives those past events more
power than they ordinarily would have. When we pretend that a
domineering, demeaning, demanding, or abusive father could have no
effect on us today, we may unconsciously steer clear of or leave any
job where the boss is "tough or critical," missing some great career
opportunities and never understanding why.
When you become aware of the realities versus the misperceptions,
however, you are much more likely to recognize and do something
constructive about how your unconscious drives affect your career
decisions. This awareness will also help you take advantage of all
the ideas and tools that we will be discussing. By understanding
your father factor, you will began to increase your level of
personal and professional satisfaction, and then maximize your
career potential.
The following true/false statements address some of the more common
misperceptions of fathers and their impact on a daughter or son.
Mark a T or an F next to each statement, then look at the answer key
to determine how well you did. It is not important that you pass
this quiz with flying colors. What is important is that you start to
see the father-child relationship themes ones that will increase
your awareness of how your father's words and deeds have shaped your
career choices and job performance.
1. Fathers and mothers serve the same role in raising their
children.
2. Sons and daughters learn assertiveness and confidence from their
fathers and emotional intelligence from their mothers. (Emotional
intelligence is the ability to have empathy, understanding, and
insight into your interactions and impact on others.)
3. Biological fathers have no more influence on their sons than
stepfathers or other nonbiological father figures.
4. Women and men can overcome a fatherless past and develop a
positive father factor model.
5. Fathers affect their sons and daughters for their entire lives.
6. It is impossible for women and men to learn anything of value
from fathers they hate(d).
7. Not all girls and boys crave or need a positive relationship with
their dads.
8. Once men and women reach a certain age, they don't want their
father's approval.
9. The emotional and mental wounds people suffered as kids prevent
them from being successful in their careers.
10. Even when they're quite young, children pay close attention to
their fathers' attitudes and behavior about work and the value of
money.
11. Verbal abuse by your father is much less harmful than physical
abuse.
12. While people who seem to have come to terms with a negative
father-child relationship present calm faηades in the workplace,
they in fact are usually pressure cookers beneath the surface.
Answers
1. False. Fathers serve as role models for their sons and daughters
relative to how they approach work, use problem-solving abilities,
and pursue career objectives. Mothers also serve as role models, but
primarily for values and relationship issues and as a female balance
to the father's influence. Each parent serves an invaluable but
distinct role in a child's development. It is important to begin to
understand your father's contribution to your career development.
Your father plays a role today in your career.
2. False. The three primary emotions are love, fear, and anger, and
the more a father is able to communicate these emotions to his kids
in healthy, productive ways, the more likely they will develop
emotional intelligence in the workplace as adults. Personality
conflicts between work colleagues can be traced back to our
inability to express and understand these three primary emotions.
3. True. Fathering is not limited to biology. The term stepfather is
a legal term, but in a relational context, the prefix step has
little bearing on a man's true effectiveness as a father. Your
career choices and work persona can be influenced by a man who was
not your biological father but who played a significant role in your
upbringing. It's also possible that more than one person a
biological father and a stepfather can have a huge impact on your
work choices and attitudes.
4. True. Not having a father or having a horrible relationship with
him does not sentence you to repeat the past or continue the
negative legacy. You can make the necessary changes to excel in your
career, as well as in your personal life and relationships. Your
ability to understand rather than blame your father is one of the
keys to success, and it's the basis for the father factor model.
While anger and hatred are strong short-term motivators, these two
emotions can't sustain your career or meet all the demands necessary
to develop professionally and personally.
5. True. Even after your father dies, he will still affect your
professional relationships and career development. No matter what
boys or girls say to their fathers in a fit of anger for example,
"I'll never be like you" or how much they try to distance
themselves as adults, their dads still cast a long shadow.
Typically, people undervalue their fathers' impact on their lives
until their parents' death. Even then, many men and women don't see
how a father's influence extends past personal traits into the
professional world. The values you carry concerning work were formed
many years ago in the context and backdrop of your father-daughter
or father-son relationship.
6. False. All daughters and sons learned an enormous number of
things from their father. It is quite possible to move emotionally
beyond your anger and hatred of your father. Analyzing the
father-child relationship can yield valuable insights that will help
make you a better manager, supervisor, and parent. These insights
can help you make the necessary adjustments in your professional
relationships and move you to your next career level.
7. False. At times, some young boys seem as if they do not need
their fathers, especially in the wake of a bitter divorce or a
sudden remarriage. Some girls also appear to be so independent or so
close to their mothers that they foster the illusion that a
relationship with their father is of no consequence. In reality,
every son and daughter seeks and needs a relationship with his or
her father. The craving for an emotional fatherly bond must be
emotionally acknowledged. Denying this natural impulse creates a
void, one that plays itself out in work situations. People who deny
this may also be in denial about the need to build strong
relationships with customers, subordinates, and others.
8. False. Regardless of age, we all desire our father's approval.
Approval is part of our psychological wiring and a natural occurring
father-child dynamic. Unfortunately, you, like many kids, may never
have received that approval growing up or received it rarely.
Giving your own self-approval, self-acceptance, and self-love is the
solution, but many people choose instead to seek these qualities
from others in the workplace. Many times, they look to a boss for
fatherly approval, which, as we'll see in later chapters, creates
all types of career and personal problems. Issues that result from
missing/absent fathers will never be adequately resolved in the
workplace.
9. False. Growing up with a conflicted, abusive father is not a
reason to repeat the sins of the past or continue to punish yourself
through your career choices. You don't have to run from bosses who
offer constructive criticism or run to bosses who are weak and
ineffectual, for instance. Nor do you have to become abusive to your
subordinates in response to that childhood abuse. You control your
career choices through insight about how you were raised and the
style of fathering that shaped your childhood.
10. True. Sons and daughters watch their fathers like hawks when it
comes to things involving money and work. Many children developed
the skill of observing these work-related behaviors from a distance,
without being noticed. Some people contend that they never really
paid much attention to these issues while growing up. But usually
they're just blocking out what may have been unpleasant experiences:
Dad screaming at Mom for spending his hard-earned money or Dad
complaining about how his boss has dumped too many projects on him
and he's thinking of quitting. Your approach to money and a work
ethic come directly from observing your father's attitudes, actions,
and beliefs in these two areas.
11. False. As horrific as physical abuse is, verbal abuse is equally
destructive from a career standpoint. Cruel words and constant,
negative badgering diminish a child's sense of self and lead to
problems with authority and trust. Bosses who demean and belittle
employees often come from homes where their fathers were verbally
abusive; these people need to diminish others in order to build
themselves up. (It is a constant cycle of abuse.) In addition,
verbal abuse is invisible. Unlike most physically abused children,
the verbally abused girl grows up believing she had a normal
childhood. This lack of awareness makes her vulnerable to the
effects of this abuse in the workplace and in intimate
relationships, too. She often doesn't seek professional help for the
damage done to her self-esteem and never acknowledges or articulates
how awful she feels about her father's behavior both past and
present. Given the lack of overt physical evidence (broke n arms,
black-and-blue bruises, swollen faces), she tends to minimize the
long-term damage that verbal abuse causes. Consequently, she carries
the emotional damage and pain into both her personal and
professional lives.
12. True. People in management positions often have perfected the
art of appearing outwardly calm under pressure, while inside the
pressure builds. These symptoms can cause sleepless nights, ulcers,
and anxiety as well as physical problems that negatively affect
their decision-making abilities or even cause them to quit. An
emotionally supportive, caring father provides a child with the
inner resources necessary to cope with all types of stress,
including job-related pressures. He helps his child gain the
self-esteem and coping skills that serve him well in school, work
situations, and adult relationships. Some of these children may
respond to stress with anger, depression, or anxiety, but inside
they're capable of managing the stress and continuing to function
effectively.
PUTTING IT TOGETHER: CONNECTING THE
FATHER'S BEHAVIOR WITH THE ADULT CHILD'S WORK ATTITUDES AND ACTIONS
Depending on attachment type, fathering style, and his rule book, a
father can affect his children's career decisions and job behaviors
in myriad ways. The effects, however, are far from uniform or clear
to sons and daughters. Even if you have two dads (divorce from or
remarriage to your mother) with the same attachment types, fathering
styles can impact children in different ways for example, a
stepfather who is more emotional in his active fathering style than
the biological father. Genetics and work environment (type of
employer, culture, boss, etc.) also play significant roles. Still,
we can make some clear connections between the way a father raised
his children and the strengths and weaknesses they exhibit as
professionals.
To help you see these connections, I've put together the following
"quiz." You'll find a scenario describing a child, his father's
methods of raising him, and then three possible outcomes for the
child, when he or she becomes a working adult. See if you can make
the connection between the child, the method of raising a child, and
the likely outcome.
1. Andrew, a top corporate executive who worked extremely hard and
did very well at his job, gave his daughter, Allison, nearly
everything that she asked for while she was growing up. He did so in
part because he had to travel a great deal for his job and often
felt guilty for not being around much. Therefore, whenever he
returned from a business trip, he had a present for Allison. In
fact, he gave her a brand new BMW sports car for her sixteenth
birthday, in addition to private tennis and golf lessons and trips
to Europe during summer vacations with her college friends. He doted
on Allison and rarely, if ever, raised his voice to her, even when
she would get in trouble staying out past curfew, getting speeding
or reckless-driving tickets, drinking and driving. Andrew was
certain that Allison was a great kid with strong values and that the
best thing he could do as a parent was to trust her. He didn't
demand or set any emotional or behavioral limits for Allison. Andrew
wanted to be Allison's friend, first and foremost.
A. Allison became a successful corporate executive just like her
father. She chose to follow in his footsteps because he treated her
with such generosity and communicated his happiness with his career
and the success that it brought him. She, too, was a high-powered
executive who traveled a great deal, worked long hours, and was
satisfied by the rewards of a top position and high salary.
B. Allison rejected the corporate world and materialism in general,
rebelling in postadolescent fashion. She became an elementary school
teacher at an inner-city school.
C. Allison bounced from job to job and career to career, never
sticking with anything long enough to achieve any real measure of
success or security. Though she would start a new career or job with
enthusiasm, she quickly tired of it and became anxious to move on to
something else. Allison had chronic financial problems and a poor
credit rating. She needed her father to bail her out with large
yearly donations.
Correct answer: C. An absent, overindulgent father can produce a
child who finds that no boss or organization treats her as well as
her dad did. She never receives enough praise, and her salary is
never sufficient. She also finds that the work is never as easy or
as much fun as she thought it would be. A result: she is constantly
searching for the ideal job or career, a search that is futile.
This type of father breeds a dependent daughter or son as a result
of his passive/absent, overindulgent, guilt-driven style of
fathering.
2. Michael, a self-employed plumber, was highly critical of and
short-tempered with his son, Alex. In little league, Michael was the
type of dad who yelled at Alex from the stands when he committed an
error, and Michael constantly offered his son "tips" about how to
play the game. When Alex would bring home his report card, Michael
would never be satisfied, no matter how many A's Alex received.
Michael exploded at his son for minor violations of the family
rules, chewing him out in front of his friends and other family
members. Michael did these things in part because this was how he
himself was raised; his own father had made it clear that boys
needed tough dads, or they were likely to get into terrible trouble.
A. Alex started his own small business that he operated out of his
own home. He was able to make a living, but he passed on many
opportunities to expand the business and make a much better living
because, as he told others, he didn't want to take unnecessary
risks. Alex was very unsure of himself and wasn't willing to extend
himself.
B. Alex became a tyrannical boss, the type of old-fashioned
command-and-control leader who barked orders and let people know if
he was unhappy with their performance.
C. Alex became a stockbroker who relished in taking gambles and
making them pay off. As a successful stockbroker, he showed the
world (and his father) that he didn't deserve to be criticized.
Correct answer: A. As a result of Alex's upbringing, he was
terrified of taking risks and being criticized for them should they
fail. A small, safe, home-based business ensured that he wouldn't
have many people angry at him or telling him what he was doing
wrong. Alex couldn't tolerate having people upset with him and was
very vigilant in keeping the peace with all the people in his life.
Being self-employed also helped avoid the issue of dealing with any
type of authority figure.
3. Carl, a dentist, made certain decisions early on to ensure that
he could spend a lot of time with his son, Louis. He located his
office relatively near his home, and he hired two associate dentists
as soon as it was financially feasible, so he could then attend all
of Louis's recitals and concerts. (Louis played the piano.) Not only
did he spend time with Louis, but he was an emotionally present
father. He wasn't afraid of expressing his emotions in front of his
son; he didn't hide his tears when something sad occurred, and he
also was willing to let Louis know if he was disappointed in him.
Carl wasn't perfect he tended to do things for Louis that Louis
should have done himself but he was a consistently compassionate
and present.
A. Louis never could rise above mediocrity in his career, in part
because his father gave him too much help and support and prevented
him from being a self-starter; Louis, too, tried to be a dentist but
lacked the initiative necessary to market and run his office
effectively. Louis needed his father's emotional support so he could
function in his career. Without it, he was ineffective.
B. Louis chose a completely different occupation from his father
he became the general manager of a major symphony orchestra and
loved what he did. He chose a field with relatively few positions,
but he was confident in his ability to succeed at something he
enjoyed and of which he was knowledgeable. A dynamic, creative
executive, Louis helped his symphony orchestra stay in the black
when most orchestras were losing money.
C. Louis became a studio musician and did fairly well, though he
always wanted to play at a higher level. Carl was so supportive and
compassionate that he robbed Louis of the competitive fire necessary
to excel.
Correct answer: B. As I noted, Carl wasn't a perfect father, but he
was always emotionally available when his son needed him, so they
enjoyed a stable, secure relationship. This not only bolstered
Louis's self-esteem, but it gave him the courage to fail. He found a
career he loved, and, even though the odds of succeeding at it
weren't high, he possessed the confidence necessary to focus on an
ambitious goal and achieve it. Carl had the inner confidence as a
father to support the differences between him and his son.
In real life, these three scenarios would, of course, be much more
complex, but these are nonetheless fairly accurate. For the sake of
making a point, I've simplified the actual causes and effects. You
likely noticed the sometimes hidden, unobserved, or fully understood
connection between a father's behaviors and an adult child's career
decisions and work behaviors.
Copyright © 2003 by
Dr. Steven B. Poulter
