Disenfranchising, Demeaning, and Demoralizing Divorced Dads : A Review
of the literature
By Dr. Linda Neilsen © 2003
This article appears without citations for ease of
reading. An unedited version may be read on
Dr. Neilsen's
website
In our
country today only 50% of children under the age of 18 live in the
same home with their biological father. Roughly 15% live with their
mother who has never been married; 15% with their divorced mother who
has not yet remarried, and 18% with their mother and stepfather. Only
2% live with their father and stepmother. By the year 2000 it is
estimated that only 25% of white children and 10% of black children
will live in a home with their father until the age of 18, while 40%
will end up living with their mother and stepfather. Put differently,
within the next few years the majority of fathers will not be living
in the same home with their children - and even now, the majority of
fathers and teenaged children are not living together.
Sadly most
fathers see very little of their children after divorce. Only 8% of
divorced fathers get to live with their children for as much as a
third of a year. For example, only half of the 2200 children in a
survey from the late 1980s had seen their father in the past year and
only 15% had seen him once a week. On a happier note, compared to 20
years ago, almost twice as many divorced fathers now legally arrange
for their children to live with them part-time. Still, when parents
divorce, most fathers end up “childless” and their children end up
"fatherless" in many.
Although
researchers and the general public have been quite focused on those
fathers and mothers who never get married and on divorced mothers,
much less attention has been given to divorced. Even school counselors
and therapists working with children usually exclude and ignore the
divorced father, acting as if the children only have one parent -
their mother. The good news is that some younger, recently graduated
therapists with non-sexist views about men’s and women’s roles are
making an effort to include fathers in their children’s. Nevertheless,
as one of the leading experts puts it: “It is time that clinical
researchers and clinical therapists stop serving as gatekeepers who
prevent the father’s involvement in research and therapy.
In an
effort to demonstrate the ways in which many of us unintentionally
disenfranchise, demean, and demoralize divorced fathers, let us
examine: (1) Some common misconceptions about divorced fathers (2)
Reasons why divorced fathers do not have closer relationships with
their children (3) Ways in which divorced mothers influence the
father-child relationship and (4) Characteristics of mothers who are
the most supportive of fathers after their divorce.
MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT DIVORCED FATHERS
Financial Support: Deadbeat Dads
Contrary
to the popular image of "deadbeat dads", 75% of divorced fathers are
fully meeting their financial obligations to their children. Four
million fathers are paying 12 billion dollars a year in child support.
Moreover, those divorced men with the highest incomes are usually
paying for most, if not all, of their children’s expenses – especially
when the mother did not work full time outside the home throughout
their marriage. And when the mother grants the father some voice in
how his child support money is being spent, the father rarely fails to
pay and often pays more than is legally required of.
The one
million “deadbeat dads” who create such a negative image of divorced
fathers are usually the most poorly educated men with very low or no
incomes and men who never married the mother of their children. This
isn’t to say that because a man is poor or because he never married he
should be allowed to abandon his children financially. We might,
however, wonder why poor fathers are legally required to pay child
support whereas poor mothers are not required to pay anything when the
children are living full-time with the. It’s also worth noting that
some fathers who refuse to send any more money to their exwife for
child support have their children living with them more than a third
of the year, and have an ex-wife who lives with the man she committed
adultery with while married. In any case, official government
statistics underestimate how much money most fathers actually provide
because only court-ordered child support is documented and because the
money that fathers give voluntarily for such things as college is not
recorded at all. Moreover, a father is often required to pay much more
in child support than he would have been spending on the children if
he was still married.
Another
potentially damaging misconception is that divorced fathers are
enjoying a much higher standard of living than the children and
divorced mother. But in reality most mothers lose about 20%-25% of the
income they had access to before their divorce, while most fathers
lose 10%-20. Also 80% of women remarry within a few years and regain a
standard of living at least equal to what they had before their. In
contrast, most divorced men who remarry can not provide their new
family with as high a standard of living as they gave their former
wife and children Yet despite these realities, too many children are
still operating under the assumption that after their parents’ divorce
their father “got everything” while they and their mother.
Men,
Women and Adultery
Still
another way in which divorced fathers can be demoralized and demeaned
is through our misconceptions about divorce itself - misconceptions
which must surely have a negative impact on many children’s views of
their fathers. For example, do you believe that men are more likely
than women to leave their marriage because they have fallen in love
with someone else? And do you believe that men are generally the ones
who initiate divorce? If so, you’re wrong. In reality 75% of all
divorces are initiated by the wife. And though in many cases the wife
initiates the divorce for such reasons as the husband’s alcoholism or
physical abuse, in many cases the wife wants the divorce because she
has fallen in love with someone else or because she does not feel
emotionally fulfilled enough in the marriage. Indeed women are now
almost as likely as men to commit adultery and are
more likely
than men
to get divorced because they have fallen in love with someone else.
Some women also leave their husbands for a man with whom they have had
little, if any, actual sex. So while claiming that they did not
technically “commit adultery”, these wives have nonetheless betrayed
and been unfaithful to their husbands (Adler. 1996; Pittman. 1990). As
one such divorced fathers explains: “ She would tell me about her
boyfriend to impress on me that she didn't love me. I just couldn't
take it anymore, so I finally had to move out". In any event, the
point is that less often than his children or the general public might
assume, the divorced father is often not the person who was unfaithful
or who caused the divorce due to such serious problems as alcoholism
or abuse.
The
Emotional Impact of the Divorce
A number
of us - including the millions of children whose parents are divorced
- also do not seem to understand that fathers suffer as much or more
emotionally as mothers after a divorce. Indeed it seems as if people
more readily envision the divorced father as a carefree “swinging
bachelor” rather than as a depressed, lonely, disoriented human being.
Many children, therefore, might be surprised to learn that men are
more likely
than women
to become depressed, commit suicide, or develop a stress-related
illness after their divorce. Most divorced fathers are extremely
lonely, overwrought, and disoriented - mainly because they have lost
daily contact with their children. Unlike mothers, almost all fathers
are essentially rendered childless as soon as their marriage ends. In
part because men are so reluctant to let people know how miserably
unhappy and depressed they are or to ask for help, many people -
including their own children - do not appreciate the extent to which
most men suffer after a divorce.
The
Benefits of Fathers versus Mothers
The belief that children benefit far less from a relationship with
their father than with their mother can also be demoralizing to
divorced fathers. Moreover, this demoralizing belief is not supported
by our best and most recent research on child and adolescent
development.
Depression, Anxiety, and Eating Disorders
Teenagers
and young adults who have close relationships with their fathers are
less likely to become clinically depressed, to develop eating
disorders, and to develop anxiety. So for example, teenage girls often
become less clinically depressed after they start spending more time
with their divorced. And since depression is much more common among
girls than boys, especially during adolescence, having a close
relationship with her divorced father might be especially important
for a daughter.
Dating, Sexuality and Social Maturity
Children
who are able to maintain a close relationship with their father also
tend to be more socially mature and to have fewer problems related to
dating and sexuality - particularly if their divorced mother has not
remarried. For example, many daughters who live with an unmarried
mother and have little or nothing to do with their father either tend
to grow up too fast by dating, having sex, or getting married at an
early age or behave as if they are afraid to grow up and are extremely
uncomfortable with dating and sexuality . Generally though, the son
seems to pay a greater price than the daughter when he has little or
no relationship with his father after divorce. Usually those boys who
live with their unmarried mother and see little or nothing of their
father are more socially immature, aggressive, delinquent, defiant,
and psychologically or emotionally disturbed than other boys their
age.
Self-reliance, self-discipline, and self-motivation
In most
families it is also the father who contributes most to the children’s
becoming self-reliant, self-disciplined, and self-motivated. For
instance, teenagers of divorced parents say it is their father who
gives them the best advice, who teaches them the most, and who pushes
them more to do their. And after parents divorce, those girls who live
with their unmarried father have higher educational goals and higher
achievement test scores than girls who live with their unmarried
mother. Although most teenagers talk more to their mother than to
their father about their social lives, they usually turn to their
father to solve other problems, to get advice on education and jobs,
and to get encouragement for self-reliance. So although teenage
children might see their father are more demanding or more judgmental
than their mother, those who remain close to their father often end up
being the most self-reliant, self-disciplined, self-motivated,
academically and vocationally successful, and achievement oriented.
Protection from a Depressed Mother
Having a
close relationship with their father can also be a protective buffer
for children whose mother is clinically depressed or has extremely
depressed ways of thinking and behaving. In such cases the father can
teach the children less depressive, less self-defeating ways of
thinking and behaving. The father can also help to counteract the
overly indulgent, lax parenting that is common among depressed
mothers. Staying involved with his children after a divorce can also
be especially beneficial because a depressed mother tends to relate to
the children in ways that interfere with their social skills and
self-reliance. The father might also be the only parent who can help
the children recognize and deal with their own problems because a
depressed mother often ignores or denies whatever problems her
children are having. For example, depressed mothers whose sons
continue to have serious psychological problems as adults often claim
that there is nothing wrong with their sons other than being “shy and
sensitive” or “needing a little more time to grow up”. A depressed
woman is also the least likely to get remarried after her divorce -
which is unfortunate for her children, for reasons we will soon
discuss. Sadly too, the depressed mother is often the least willing to
share her children with their father after the divorce. In the words
of one depressed mother, “I can’t bear the thought that anyone else
can do as good a job parenting my children as I can”. In any case, a
close relationship with their father can be a special blessing for
children whose mothers are depressed or chronically unhappy and
discontented with their lives.
WHY
AREN'T DIVORCED FATHERS MORE INVOLVED WITH THEIR CHILDREN?
So if most
fathers have much to offer and since most dads are so upset about
being separated from their children, why do many men spend so little
time with their children after divorce? The answer seems to lie in
five areas: (1) Our society’s attitudes about fathering; (2) the ways
in which we idealize mothers and motherhood; (3) the legal system’s
treatment of divorced fathers; (4) differences in the mother’s and
father’s parenting styles; and (5) the mother’s attitudes and
behavior.
Societal beliefs about fathers and fatherhood
While we chastise fathers for not being more involved with their
children, we simultaneously promote beliefs that make it more
difficult for many fathers to be as close to their children as are
most mothers – especially after a divorce. Among the most insulting
and damaging are that men are “naturally” or “instinctively” inferior
to women when it comes to caring for and raising children and that
fathers are far less interested in and committed to their children
than mothers. Indeed while many of us are offended if someone claims
that certain races are genetically or “instinctively” superior to
others, we often seem to accept the assertion that men are genetically
or “naturally” inferior to women as.
Moreover,
the assumption that men are inferior to women as parents is not
supported by the research. To begin with, most of what women know
about mothering is learned, not instinctive - as is true for men and
fathering. And there are human mothers who do not love, bond with, or
take care of their children (Allport. 1997; Blakely.. Likewise, among
other mammals there are mothers who ignore, abandon and even kill
their young, while the fathers take charge of the feeding and. More to
the point, how human fathers and mothers relate to their children is
heavily influenced by what their particular society and their ethnic
culture at a particular time in history has taught them. For instance,
in colonial America fathers were generally considered more important
than mothers when it came to the moral, religious, and intellectual
upbringing of children. As a result, most books and advice on child
rearing were addressed to fathers, not to mothers. But as our country
became more industrialized, most fathers and mothers were no longer
able to work in or near home providing equally for the family’s
economic needs. As most men were driven further from home into
salaried jobs, most women were gradually left at home in charge of the
children. But the tide changed again during World War II when mothers
were needed in the workforce. Only when returning veterans needed
their jobs back were we told that “good” mothers should not be
employed and that “good” fathers should provide 100% of the family’s
income. Yet even during this brief period of the 1950s, only 60% of
all parents were able to achieve this concept of “good” parenting. By
the 1960s the majority of fathers and mothers once again returned to
our
traditional
definitions for the “good” family - a family where both parents
provided for the family’s economic needs. But the point is that the
way fathers and mothers relate to their children is heavily influenced
by what they have been taught - not by their genes or by.
Neither is
it true that most fathers are less interested in and less committed to
their children than are most mothers. First, many fathers resent
having to be away from their children so much because of their long
work hours and the demands of the job. Second, when both parents are
employed full-time, fathers
and
mothers generally do similar amounts of housework and childcare.
Third, many fathers are more stressed and more worried about their
children than about work-related problems. As experts who have
reviewed the research put it: “It is simply not true that a job is
more important to a man than his family”. For example, many fathers
suffer from just as much separation anxiety as do mothers when leaving
their young children in day care. Fourth, when given equal time with
their children and when not having to shoulder the family’s financial
burdens alone, fathers are generally just as nurturing, attentive, and
involved with their children as are mothers. So although most men
interact differently than women do with children, fathers are not
inferior.
When it
comes to the commitment of divorced fathers, two other findings are
worth noting. First, divorced fathers who give their children lots of
time and attention seldom receive much credit or public recognition.
Second, when a couple is having marital problems, the husband often
reacts by spending less time with the children and less time at home;
while the wife often does the reverse. So in some cases where it might
seem as though a father is losing interest in his children prior to
divorce, he may just be reacting differently than the mother does to
their marital stress.
Finally,
upper and middle class white beliefs about motherhood can make it more
difficult for fathers to remain closely bonded to their children after
divorce. Compared to other races and to lower income groups, these
white mothers are less likely to believe "it takes a whole village to
raise a child." That is, the white mother from a middle or upper class
background is the most likely to be too possessive and uncooperative
when it comes to sharing “her” children with other adults, including
their own.
Idealizing Mothers and Motherhood
Another
way of demoralizing fathers is by representing motherhood in overly
idealized ways. For example,mothers are often portrayed as the more
virtuous, honest, unselfish, and self-sacrificing parent. And
motherhood itself is typically presented as the most perfect, the most
intense, and the most ideal love that any adult can have for a child.
Then too, we tend to idealize mothers when it comes to sex in that
fathers are more likely to be portrayed as being unfaithful and being.
In reality, though, women in our country are almost as likely as men
to commit adultery and are
more likely
to leave a
marriage because they have fallen in love with someone. Many of us
also seem to be the most forgiving and most understanding when it is
the woman who commits adultery. That is, when a mother commits
adultery, we are more likely to tell ourselves that she “couldn’t help
it” because she was so lonely or so misunderstood by her husband. Not
surprisingly then, too many children wrongly believe that it was their
father, not their mother, who caused the divorce by being unfaithful
or by falling in love with someone. And sadly it seems that too many
children end up with little or no relationship with their father after
divorce partly because they have such idealistic notions about mothers
and.
The
legal system’s treatment of divorced fathers
Our idealized beliefs about motherhood and about men’s inferiority as
parents are also reflected in our divorce laws. Too few fathers are
considered equal to mothers in the standard divorce agreement. Almost
90% of mothers are awarded full custody, while most fathers are
restricted to two weekend "visits" each month and scattered vacation
days. Indeed a number of fathers do not fight for joint custody or for
more time with their children because they know how unlikely it is
that they will be granted equal rights as parents. In other words,
divorce laws still tend to reinforce the idea that what children need
most from their divorced father is his money, not his involvement in
their daily. Partly because the law gives most mothers the legal right
to move whenever and wherever they want, 40% of divorced fathers do
not live in the same state with their. Not surprisingly then, many
divorced fathers can not see their children more often because they
live so far. Fortunately though, if the divorced father has managed to
maintain his relationship with his children, as teenagers the kids say
that the quality of their relationship with their father is far more
important than how much time they actually spend with him.
Nevertheless, there is a growing demand for changing our divorce laws
so that fathers will have a better chance of staying bonded to their
children.
Mother’s and father’s parenting style
The
father’s relationship with his children can also be influenced by how
different or how alike his style of parenting is to their mother’s.
When both parents are similar in terms of setting limits and
disciplining the children, then the father isn’t as likely to end up
being criticized or shunned. But in cases where the mother continually
excuses and tolerates the children’s infantile, aggressive, or
inappropriate behavior, then the father can come across as much too
uptight, inflexible, or demanding. Especially as teenagers, children
in such situations sometimes pull away from their father after the
divorce in part because he has higher expectations for them and is
willing to discipline and to stand up to them when they are out of
line.
The bad
news for many divorced fathers is that many mothers abdicate too much
power and control to their children - especially if the mother hasn’t
remarried and especially if the child is a boy. And sadly, these
children often end up less socially mature, less self-reliant, less
self-disciplined, and less psychologically well-adjusted than their
peers.
These
differences in parenting styles after divorce are not especially
surprising, however, since it is often the father who is primarily
responsible for setting the limits, encouraging self-control, and
disciplining the children in married families. Moreover, even
well-educated mothers with ample money after their divorce often
provide too little supervision, household order, and discipline as
single parents.
And
regardless of income, education, or marital status, the woman who did
not have a secure, loving relationship with her own parents while she
was growing up is the most likely to be overly indulgent and overly
submissive with her own children.
This
certainly isn’t to say that divorced mothers are always more indulgent
and more lax than divorced fathers. In fact, whichever parent feels
the guiltiest about the divorce is often the one who does the worst
job when it comes to setting limits, saying “no” to, or disciplining
the children . And whichever parent is guilt-ridden often goes to
great lengths to deny that a deeply troubled child has any problems
whatsoever.
The
Mother's Attitudes Towards the Father
When it
comes to how close children and their fathers are after divorce
perhaps the single most important factor is the mother’s attitudes
towards the father. That is, fathers and children usually remain close
only if the mother actively encourages and facilitates their
relationship. This isn’t to say that mothers always recognize how much
power they have in this regard; nor that most mothers intentionally
set out to hard the father’s relationship with the children.
Nevertheless, after divorce too many mothers do not support and may
even work against the father-child relationship. Adult children often
put the situation this way: "I wish my mother had allowed me to like
my father without guilt and that she hadn't made so many negative
comments about him. "Her tearing down of my father made me obsessed
with finding him. When at 18 I did, I learned that there was a
positive side to him that my mother had never told us about". "I
remember I hurt my dad over and over again because mom filled me with
so many ideas that he was a bad person". There are even mothers who
have gone so far as to offer to return some of the child support money
if the father will agree to spend
less
time with
the children. As one commentator put it, many men who are accused of
being “deadbeat dads” are in fact “beat-dead dads” whose former wives
have dead-bolted the kids’ hearts against them. In other words, too
many divorced fathers end up with little or no relationship with their
children in part because the mother has not been supportive.
This isn't
to say that there aren’t fathers who abandon their children after
divorce no matter how hard the mothers work to keep these
relationships alive. And this isn't to say that there aren’t divorced
mothers who dedicate themselves to strengthening the father’s bond
with their children. As one divorced woman explains: "My mother forced
me to make a choice between her and my dad when they divorced, so I
see to it that my kids spend time with their dad and stepmom". And
another mother changed jobs and moved to a new town just so her ex
husband could have joint custody of their two sons. Later she even
allowed the boys to live with their father part-time even though he
was not paying her any child. So there are many women who consider
themselves to be “good” mothers only when they succeed in keeping the
children and their father closely bonded after a divorce.
Read part two
Linda Neilsen © 2003
This article
originally appeared inThe
Journal of Divorce & Remarriage - 1999, vol.31 pages 139-177
