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Maxine Marz is an expert safety/security consultant, strategist, writer and seminar presenter. She holds an undergraduate and graduate degree in Criminology from the University of Toronto and numerous accredited certificates in crime studies and deviant psychopathology. She has over seven years of practical experience in crime trend research and analysis, Victimology, CPTED (Crime Prevention Through Environmental Design), harm reduction and crime prevention. In May 2000, Maxine founded Fine Line Research & Consulting - a company specializing in safety and security consultation services for persons interested in increasing their personal safety and security. Maxine Marz can be contacted at: .
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Four Part Series on Husband Abuse... |
Part 1: Husband Abuse Disclosed
by
Maxine Marz
I’ve recently reported on wife abuse and the response I received from many women – either living with an abusive partner or who had left an abusive relationship – was overwhelming. However, what was equally interesting was the disclosure of husband abuse from male readers, including various acquaintances.
These abused men courageously disclosed their private accounts of domestic abuse to which their female partner subjected them, even though they didn’t provoke or act abusively toward these women. The reported incidents of husband abuse included:
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Verbal aggression in private and/or in public, including verbal assaults, taunting remarks, demeaning comments and unsubstantiated accusations |
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Obsessive and controlling tendencies masked under the guise of love and "innocent" jealousy |
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Manipulative ploys, such as silent treatment, ruining important events or special occasions, withholding affection and/or using sex as a weapon, openly engaging in emotional or physical relationships with other men |
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Playing mind games, including inconsistency in previously expressed needs or expectations |
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Aggressive tactics, such as disregard for partner’s needs, invading partner’s personal space, deliberately destroying property or spouse’s sentimental belongings |
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Emotional outbursts or using emotional blackmail |
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Negating partnership responsibilities and/or sacrificing best interest of the family by deliberately getting fired or quitting own job, or refusing to do any work around the home |
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Threatening to physically harm self, spouse or others |
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Physical assaults, such as throwing objects in spouse’s direction or at them, and/or kicking, biting, slapping and/or striking spouse |
Often these behaviours lead abused men to feel demeaned, humiliated, helpless and trapped in a vicious cycle of domestic abuse. Many notice (as in cases of wife abuse) the abuse progressively escalates in frequency and severity.
To "keep the peace" and to avoid future outbursts, many feel compelled to sacrifice their own needs and happiness by trying to conform to their abusive partner’s expectations and demands. Unfortunately, this rarely provides the positive outcome many hope for because the rules of the game change frequently.
Various studies on husband abuse, as well as my discussions with abused men, confirm that most victims are reluctant to report the abuse because of the social gender bias associated with husband abuse and the fear of the stigma attached.
Abused husbands also suspect that trying to prove their abuse will be difficult and that authorities will deem their physical injuries minor compared to the typically severe injuries women sustain at the hands of their abusive partners.
To deal with the complex plethora of husband abuse, the upcoming series will specifically focus on the various issues surrounding this issue that has many men suffering in silence. Its intention is not only to provide valuable safety information to its victims but to also bring greater social awareness to this under-reported type of abuse.
However, this series is not intended to provide abusive husbands or violent men with an excuse or justification for continued abuse of their female partners. After all, non-abusive men do not use violence against a woman even when they themselves are provoked and/or assaulted by her.
Contrary to what bullies, narcissists and misogynists (men who hate women) might think, men who refrain from acting out violently against an abusive partner are not demonstrating a sign of weakness or cowardice.
Rather, they are reaffirming their anti-violence resolve, strong character constitution and higher emotional intelligence – something that spouse abusers are consistently void of.
Copyright 2004 Maxine Marz
Men’s Safety Seminar: If you were, or are, an abused husband interested in attending seminars on this topic please e-mail me at .
Originally Published in METRO Newspaper
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