What Could He Really Be Thinking
about Sex and Romance?
by
Michael Gurian
©2006
These extracts from "What Could He Be Thinking?"
by Dr Michael Gurian give a glimpse of the fascinating gender
differences in mental functioning discussed in his book.
There are few areas of life in which
the differences in male and female neurochemistry show up as well as
in the romance and sex that dominate the early stages of a love
relationship. PET scans, MRIs, endocrinological studies, and
galvanic skin-response tests now show us how the brains of men and
women function when they explore the mysteries of lust and love.
Every hope and dream we bring to a candlelit dinner is touched by
our nature - our hormones, brain chemicals, and key parts of the
brain.
The Link Between Sex and Aggression
For two primary biochemical reasons,
sex and aggression are intricately linked in male sexual biology.
This is much less the case in females. Three biochemical elements
make sure of this.
1.
Testosterone. This dominant hormone in
men is the human sex and aggression hormone. The higher its levels
are in a man, the higher his sex drive and the more aggressive he
is. Remember, aggression does not necessarily mean violence.
Aggression is a complex activity formed by the whole brain and can
mean a hundred kinds of task-focused activities like climbing a
corporate ladder or being the best car salesman on the lot. While
testosterone is a dominant male hormone, it is the hormone that
provides a sexual and aggression/assertiveness baseline for all
humans. Higher testosterone levels in women mean higher sex drive
and aggression in women, too. When female androgenic hormone
(testosterone) levels are cyclically higher near ovulation, women
feel a surge of sexual desire; when women are injected,
artificially, with testosterone, they become more sexually
aggressive, as well as more assertive in the workplace.
2.
Vasopressin.
Without this brain chemical, sexual activity is very difficult for a
man. Like testosterone, the study of vasopressin shows us how
greatly sexual activity in men is, at its baseline, an aggression
activity. Vasopressin is an aggression chemical found in the
amygdala, one of the emotion-aggression centers of the brain, and
the anterior hypothalamus, the hormone regulator in the limbic
system. Vasopressin is predominantly involved in territorial marking
and sexual aggression. During foreplay, this chemical is secreted in
males. Interestingly, higher vasopressin levels do not increase the
courtship functions in females but instead curtail them. The higher
the vasopressin, the more the man wants the woman, but the less the
woman wants the man. If during foreplay, the man secretes
vasopressin and the woman also does, he'll want her a lot, and
she'll want to pull away from him. Like testosterone, vasopressin
levels in the brain are partially determined by the testes: if a man
is castrated, his testosterone and vasopressin levels both decrease
considerably.
3.
Dopamine.
This neurochemical, which plays a crucial part in the general health
of the brain, also plays a key part in male sexual aggression. When
dopamine is removed from male brain activity, the male loses sexual
desire. He will stop searching for females. When, on the other hand,
dopamine is removed from female brain activity, her sexual interest
is not affected.
In looking at testosterone,
vasopressin, and dopamine, and in noticing the primary link between
sex and aggression in men, it's important to remember that the
patterns of their activity are not "learned behavior." A boy does
not learn how to increase his testosterone levels so that he'll want
to pursue mates. He does not learn, from Mom and Dad or society, how
to link his vasopressin or dopamine to sexual desire. Nor do girls
and women learn to delete the link in their brain systems, that
vasopressin provides males. Rather, those brain patterns are set in
the womb by the secretion of testosterone levels in the developing
male and female brains. We will learn subtle arts concerning our
sexuality, but the sexuality is inborn.
It is important for a woman to
remember this when she feels frustration with a man who seems far
more bent on sexual pursuit and conquest than on long-term romance.
Especially in his youth, his brain is wired for sex (foreplay,
intercourse, ejaculation) more than for romance (cuddling, exclusive
commitment to one mate). Much of his brain activity ends once
ejaculation occurs. His brain has been working toward a goal. It is
not necessarily the same goal a woman is working toward. For him,
romance is generally a means to a sexual end. To her, sex is more
likely a means to a beginning.
Sex and Bonding
Female hormones make the woman's
brain better wired for Iong-term romantic activity than the man's.
Nowhere do we see this more clearly than in oxytocin activity in the
hypothalamus. Male oxytocin (bonding chemical) levels are lower than
in females. In many men, they can be ten times lower. Just as
testosterone levels are much higher in males, oxytocin levels are
generally higher in females.
However, there is one time of the day
when the male oxytocin levels approach the normal female levels -
during sexual orgasm. When a man ejaculates, his oxytocin level
shoots up to the levels that females experience during other times
of the day. When a man ejaculates, he bonds utterly with her.
Soon his oxytocin level will go back
down to its normal level, and when the woman does not receive a
phone call from him the next day - despite the fact that he said he
loved her and would call her - she is experiencing his postsexual
drop in oxytocin.
During orgasm, the female-dominant
chemical became his dominant chemical. Testosterone and vasopressin,
which got him to the point where he could successfully achieve
coitus, receded in dominance - their job complete - and oxytocin,
the bonding chemical, took over. But then testosterone and
vasopressin begin their journey hack to dominance, while oxytocin
recedes.
One of the primary reasons that men
want sex more than women (on average) is because it feels so good to
them to have the high oxytocin - it feels great to feel so bonded
with someone. All humans get an explosion of joyful brain chemistry
- oxytocin being a major player - when we achieve bonding. In male
biochemistry, sex is the quickest way for a man to bond with a
woman. Even though the chemical bond is transitory, nature appears
to hope that the transitory bond will turn more permanent - oxytocin
receding, but perhaps the man feeling closer and closer to the woman
so that, over a period of time, he bonds with her with the more
complex brain involvement we call love.
Nature has given females a different
way of approaching sex and bonding. Where the young man might feel
completed at the point of climax - utterly bonded for the moment -
the young woman feels that bonding is a process that has only just
begun. For him, chemical bonding will be paramount during the sex
act; for her, bonding will go on at a biochemical level throughout
the days of courtship and during her preparation for romantic
evenings. It will be quite heightened during sex, but her oxytocin
levels are so much higher so much of the time that the sex act is
better integrated, for her, in the long-term bonding process. She
will not tend to emphasize sex as the ultimate activity; it is only
a momentary surge in oxytocin. She will emphasize the hundreds of
activities, thoughts, phone calls, gifts, candles, feelings that
accentuate, every moment of every day, her developing bond with the
male.
In presenting this scenario, we are
presenting something that can feel like a tragic love story. Perhaps
there is no worse pain than wanting something romantic or sexual
from someone who is unwilling or unable to give it. Women can spend
months, even years, trying to romance romance out of men. Men can
spend months, even years, trying to romance sex out of women.
Sometimes we succeed, and sometimes we fail. All the while, our
biochemistry is omnipresent.
Many of the biological factors we
have discussed here are gradually becoming a part of our cultural
dialogue. Our scientific technologies are enabling us to investigate
who we really are as men and women hoping to love each other. When I
hear people talking about issues of biological difference, I feel
great optimism. Soon, I believe, the almost tragic gap between what
men and women want and need from sex and romance will get closed by
our new understanding.
Recently I overheard a woman in a
restaurant say to her female friend, "You know, I just heard that
men glance at a woman's eyes then settle visually on her body, but
women glance at a man's body then settle visually on his eyes. That
makes sense, doesn't it?" Fragments of biological knowledge seem to
be penetrating our culture. It is important that the bits and pieces
available become a whole new nature-based vision for human living.
That is certainly the intention of What Could He Be Thinking?
For women to carry on relationships
with men in a state of ignorance of male biology is tantamount to a
woman giving herself over to a stranger.
What Men Need: Expectations and
Interpretations
Especially in the first months and
year of a relationship, men are sending lots of signals to women
about their needs and expectations. These don't as often come out in
words as do the women's signals to them. What are some of the
signals men are sending?
I am fragile. As
men get more and more intimate with a woman, they need a great deal
of reassurance. Women often miss this because, especially in the
romantic phase of a partnership, men are compelled by nature to
appear strong. Since women do not generally select men who are weak
(if women do, they don't generally stay with weak or unsatisfactory
men for a long period of time), men know quite well that women are
more likely to stay loyal to a man who performs well, less loyal to
a man who does not. Contemporary divorce statistics support basic
human nature. Now that social strictures on divorce have loosened,
the majority of divorce petitions (65%) are filed by women. The most
common reason a woman seeks divorce is dissatisfaction with the man.
Women's power to select mates has increased exponentially by the
availability of divorce. Men know that, not only must they keep
performing for women, but that the lack of social strictures
increases the pressure.
I need to be needed.
Human males, like males of nearly every species, are wired to make
themselves conspicuous during the mating period. Female black-capped
chickadees watch and listen as the male chickadees do vocal combat.
Their songs give them the chance to mate, for the females choose the
black-capped male who wins the song contest.
Human males are songbirds too, and
human females are constantly eavesdropping on the male song,
ascertaining just how powerful is the song of the male they are
leaning toward selecting. Human males keep singing until chosen,
then keep singing throughout life, hoping to send signals of
self-worth and significance.
His own fragile ego constantly
present, a man sings, "Look at me! Look at what I can do," and
hidden within that: "You still need me, don't you?" Working twelve
hours a day, he needs to be needed. His work, which may be grueling
and miserable, takes on some light because it is needed by the
person he loves. The sense he gains from his romantic partner that
his efforts are needed helps him to make the work into a song.
Women who take an interest in a man's
aggression activities (his work, athletics, computer inventions) and
understand his need to show off who he is and what he does can play
a pivotal role in bolstering the crucial sense that he is truly
needed in the world.
I need you to trust what I do.
Especially confounding to many women is a man's deep-seated need to
be trusted for what he does, not for everything he does or does not
say. During romance, women want a man to say certain things, like "I
love you," at just the right moments, with just the right objects -
flowers, cards, surprises - mixed in. Men work toward fulfilling
this need in females. Yet for men the greater show of love comes in
the long term, in what they do, especially to keep their status and
perform well for their partner and family.
Practicing Intimate Separateness
Given the difference between male and
female brain systems and chemistries during romance, what should we
do? Should women just let the whole process continue as it is, often
ending up lonely? Should men stop presenting themselves as bridge
brains - emotion talkers, perfect mates - during romance? Should
women become more sexually promiscuous? What will work?
Given the power of the biology of
romance and sex, nature suggests that one of the most important
things a woman can do to make a relationship successful is to
practice intimate separateness.
If a woman lets a man court her for
many months - even enjoying petting, oral sex, and other sexual fun,
but withholding intercourse - this simple show of power can affect
not only this particular partnership, but her self-image and sense
of self-esteem during her years of sexual and romantic maturation.
Not surprisingly, a recent study showed that female pleasure was
gained through intercourse, but that self-esteem among young women
correlated with the withholding of intercourse. High self-esteem of
young males, on the other hand, correlated with the gaining of
intercourse. Nature is speaking to us loudly here.
I am not saying that a woman who has
sex with a man during romance will necessarily have low self-esteem
or will necessarily be hurt by the man. I am speaking honestly about
biological trends. The trauma many women experience today -
having sex with a man after one or two dates and then being quickly
or gradually discarded - has been felt by millions of women. In the
language of contemporary romance, we use the metaphor, "I keep
getting my heart broken." What we mean is that cortisol (stress
hormone) levels in the female brain shoot up, placing the brain in
trauma, which often induces depression. Countless women are
experiencing low- to high-grade depression in their short romantic
alliances with males. This depression can be reduced, and female
self-esteem increased, if the dance of sexual and romantic love is
one that better fits female nature.
We shall post further extracts from Dr Gurian's book in the
coming weeks. You can buy his book on-line at Amazon; just
click here.
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