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Dr. Glover, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, with a doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy, is married to Elizabeth Oreskovich, a psychotherapist who with Dr. Glover co-directs the Center For Healing And Recovery. They have four children and make their home in Tacoma, Washington.

Driven to Distraction

by
Robert A. Glover, Ph.D. ©2007
author of
No More Mr. Nice guy

Distraction is a common problem for many Nice Guys. I have practiced it throughout my life pretty effectively.

For Nice Guys, distraction can be due to a number of factors. One is an attempt to manage anxiety.

At its core, The Nice Guy Syndrome is all about MANAGING ANXIETY. Ironically, since anxiety is a life-long companion for Nice Guys, the brain gets used to feeling it. Trying to let go of this familiar companion actually creates a NEW AND MORE FRIGHTENING KIND OF ANXIETY for the brain.

The brain seeks to maintain the familiar, even though by doing so, it creates all kinds of problems for its host (you). By procrastinating and avoiding and distracting and not finishing, you always have something hanging over you. This perpetuates a constant free-floating anxiety and ”dis-ease.”

This anxiety feels normal and familiar to your brain. Therefore, your brain will work to do whatever it takes to maintain this familiar feeling state. Doing things that might reduce this state of self-induced anxiety creates a different kind of anxiety that feels new and different and therefore frightening.

One part of your brain will convince you that it is a good idea to procrastinate, avoid, not finish projects, and keep too many irons in the fire just so another part of your brain can continue experiencing an old familiar anxiety and avoid having to deal with a new unfamiliar anxiety. At the same time another part of your brain will criticize you for being such an underachieving looser.

I’ve watched this first hand in myself. When I have cleared my slate and am current and all caught up, I feel an anxiety of being in a new and strange situation. My brain says, “What am I supposed to do now?” This new feeling is unsettling at first. But I’ve found that it quickly dissipates and it opens doors for creative endeavor and true relaxation, recreation and intimacy.

I began confronting my distracting patterns a few years ago by limiting the number of projects I had going at any given time. I limited my list to three and I couldn’t add any more until I completed one and crossed it off the list. This practice alone increased my productivity and decreased my anxiety.

I’ve also practiced a “DO IT NOW” philosophy for the last few years. Most tasks don’t get any easier by putting them off. Therefore, you might as well do them NOW!

A number of recovering Nice Guys I have encountered have some degree of Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). This makes it extremely difficult to stay focused on any one thing.

People with ADD have to work harder than everyone else to get the same results. Unfortunately, that hard work can be exhausting.

A couple of traits I’ve seen in adults with ADD are high use of caffeine (the stimulant helps people with ADD stay focused) and the use of pot and alcohol to calm the brain – especially at night to induce sleep.

If you think you might have ADD, do a little research online. A good book on the subject is "Driven to Distraction,” by Hallowell & Ratey.

So grab yourself a cup of coffee, make a priority list of things you want to accomplish, and get going checking them off your list -- NOW!!!

Dr. Robert Glover

Email Dr. Glover robert@nomoremrniceguy.com
for information and registration.

Phone Dr. Glover:  253.874.1308