The
Divorced Dad Volcano
by
Warren Farrell, Ph.D.
With
Columbine and Virginia Tech, we asked “Why?”
implying a collective responsibility for the
male-style suicides shouting to be heard as
massacres. Perhaps, if we ask “Why?” of Alec Baldwin
with equal openness, we can understand the divorced
dad volcano and defuse potential suicide-homicides
that are not uncommon among divorced dads.
When
Alec Baldwin feels powerless to prevent his own
child from being turned against her own father, he
can be “strong” and repress his feelings. But men’s
weakness is their façade of strength. And the
pressure will build. Anger is the mask of
vulnerability. Hence everyone who loves is
vulnerable to “losing it.”
Tens of thousands of divorced dads identify with
Baldwin’s powerlessness. Many moms want
equally-involved dads after divorce, but when a mom
doesn’t, most dads find the system’s bias against
dads as difficult to remove as syrup is from a
pancake.
The foundation of that bias is an ignorance of
recent research on what works best for children of
divorce.
Three conditions lead to children doing almost as
well after divorce as in an intact family. They are:
the child has about equal time with mom and dad;
parents live close enough that the child does not
need to forfeit friends or activities to be with the
other parent; little or no bad-mouthing
Surprisingly, if shared parenting is impossible, the
children are likely to do better when the primary
parent is dad. (“Better” is defined by more than
twenty measures: of academic; psychological; social
and physical health). This does not mean dad is the
better parent. When dad is the primary parent, mom
is more likely to remain involved. Ironically,
children do better with dad partially because they
have more of mom.
Why does mom as primary frequently mean less of dad?
In part, because when children live with mom parents
are nine times more likely to have conflict. Why?
Glynnis Walker’s research found children of divorce
almost five times as likely to say "only mom says
bad things about dad" than vice versa. Such
parental
alienation discourages dad’s involvement.
Equal dad involvement means children with fewer of
the 5 D’s (drinking, drugs, depression, delinquency,
and disobedience), fewer nightmares and temper
tantrums, a lower likelihood of bullying, being
bullied, being absent from school, being
hospitalized, having ADD or ADHD, commiting a crime,
or becoming an unwed teenage parent. The child is
likely to be more socially adept, have higher
self-esteem, and do better on standardized tests.
Dad’s involvement is more important than economic
well-being.
Dad’s biggest secret appears to be boundary
enforcement. Divorced parents both set boundaries:
“You can have ice cream when you finish your peas.”
But when the child eats some peas and says, “Can I
have ice cream?” mom is more likely to say, “If you
have this many more peas, then ice cream.” Dad’s
response? “We had a deal: ice cream or peas—not some
peas.” With dad, the child learns to focus on
completing the task. With mom, the child discovers
what it can get away with.
It appears boundary enforcement forces the child to
think of others’ needs. Thus, counter intuitively,
the more dad, the more empathy.
Custody battles, though, leave both parents afraid
to enforce boundaries lest the child express
preference for the parent that gives more ice cream
for fewer peas. To the degree boundary enforcement
is a contribution of dad, custody battles deprive
the child of dad.
Judges may reinforce this problem. Judges often
fear, “If the couple is in conflict, shared
parenting will not work.” In fact, the greater the
conflict the clearer the judge needs to be that both
parents will have equal time. Otherwise, the
machinery of competition to be the better parent is
activated, giving each parent the incentive to incur
the child’s favor with more ice cream, and to
alienate the child from the other parent.
Some judges interpret stability as giving the child
a primary residence and a primary parent, or
“one-parent stability.” However, to the child,
one-parent stability is also one-parent abandonment.
And it’s worse. The child’s genes are half mom’s and
half dad’s. The less the child knows one of its
parents, the less the child knows that half of
itself. And, of course, bad-mouthing the other
parent is really bad-mouthing that half of the
child.
It is time to assume some collective responsibility
for activating the volcano that is Alec Baldwin, as
we did with Virginia Tech. If we cannot give our
children both parents in the same home, we can still
give them both parents, and both halves of
themselves.
© 2007, Warren Farrell
www.WarrenFarrell.net (Why Men Earn More)
Dr. Warren Farrell
is the author of many books, including two award-winning
international best-sellers, Why Men Are The Way They Are plus
The Myth of Male Power. His most recent books are Women
Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say, which was a selection of the
Book-of-the-Month Club, and Father and Child Reunion about
how fathers can be successful at both work and home. His latest
book, just published this year,
Why Men Earn More: The Startling
Truth Behind the Pay Gap and What Women Can Do About It, helps
both employers and employees understand what makes a company want to
increase an employee’s pay. His books are published in over 50
countries, and in 10 languages.
Dr. Warren Farrell is available for expert
testimony to help fathers stay equally involved in their children's
lives after divorce.
CLICK HERE to contact Dr. Warren Farrell for information.
www.WarrenFarrell.net (Why Men Earn More)
www.WarrenFarrell.biz (Father and Child Reunion)
www.WarrenFarrell.org (The Myth of Male Power)
www.WarrenFarrell.info (Women Can’t Hear What Men Don’t Say)
www.WarrenFarrell.us (Why Men Are The Way They Are)
www.WarrenFarrell.ws (The Liberated Man)
Copyright 2007 Warren Farrell, Ph.D., all rights
reserved
