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Book-of-the-Month... February 2007 |
Why
Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget
By
Marianne J. Legato and
Laura Tucker
 Diversity
is great, but tolerance and understanding are
rare. Men often expect women to think and behave
as men, and vice-versa. When this doesn't
happen, we can be impatient to the point of
rudeness. Women frequently assume an insult or
indifference that isn't there. Men are
frequently miffed when women dredge up an issue
we thought was already resolved. The
misperceptions can easily poison a relationship,
and often do.
Men and women are attracted to each other
precisely because we are different. We
complement each other. Perhaps if we understand
in what ways we are constitutionally different,
we'll not only tolerate the differences but
learn to enjoy them. This book provides the
means to take a giant step in that direction.
While the "why" of these differences is a matter
of philosophy, religion, and speculation, the
"what" of them is becoming increasingly clear.
Dr. Legato reveals the "what" in a nonjudgmental
manner. As a physician, she's trained to analyze
information and provide healing advice--that's
her perspective. This book reflects that, thus
making it a useful tool to anyone seeking to
have healthy relationships.
We all are familiar with the sex-specific traits
that irritate and exasperate. Most of us aren't
familiar with the studies that show men and
women process information with different parts
of their brains. We aren't familiar with the
myriad other differences, and these go all the
way down to the cellular level.
This book begins with a scenario that sounds all
too familiar. It's a quarrel, and you can
empathize with both sides as it unrolls. Dr.
Legato then takes us behind that quarrel,
showing that neither side intended anything
negative. But the perceptions of negative
intention ran high.
If men can learn to say, "She's going to have
these expectations of me," we can prevent the
kinds of arguments that drive us nuts. Dr.
Legato provides insight as to what those
expectations might be. Not that we men need to
make a list. We just need to remember a few key
things, such as the fact that women are nearly
always multi-tasking and they hear and listen
differently than we do.
If women can learn to say, "He's going to have
his own expectations and not see and hear things
the way I do," they can also prevent many of the
arguments that drive them nuts. As Dr. Legato is
a woman and does not pretend to think like a
man, she takes the female perspective in much of
her text. Personally, I hate it when someone
with expertise in one area just assumes
expertise in another--so I found Dr. Legato's
intellectual honesty to be a real plus.
Part of her intellectual honesty involves
looking at things from the physician's
perspective, and not pretending to psychoanalyze
the entire human race. So, we readers are
treated to seeing how the physical brain and the
physical body affect our behavior, thought
processes, interpersonal communications, and
other aspects of who we are and how we relate to
others.
Understanding what is going on can help us cope.
If you're over 40, get the book for this chapter
alone. Not only will it help you understand your
own situation, but it will help you be more
patient with your aging mentors and other
important people who increasingly seem to be
losing the sharpness that once impressed the
heck out of you. AMAZON Review |
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Columns, Articles and Men's Issues News... |
MEN'S NEWS TICKER © 2000 - Disable pop-up blocker
and click on headline for story details
BOOK-OF-THE-MONTH
EXCERPT...
by Dr. Marianne J. Legato
What We Know -- And
What We Don't...
True
or False: Boys and girls develop on different schedules.
True. One of the
most important ways in which our brains are shaped is not
through growth, but the programmed death of a large number --
about half -- of the neurons originally produced as the brain
forms. This pruning process goes on from the final month of
pregnancy and continues long after birth. Synapses, or
connections between cells, that don't get reinforced by
stimulation from the outside world atrophy and eventually
disappear. The connections that are stimulated grow stronger and
become permanent. You have to use it, or you lose it, and
practice makes perfect.
It's a mysteriously wasteful process. Why
don't we simply make what we need to begin with? I like to think
that we're choosing the neurons that function optimally, like
choosing the prettiest and healthiest flowers out of a bunch for
a bouquet.
This brain tailoring process is part of what
makes us unique: Our experiences -- the stimulation we're
exposed to, or protected from -- have a very real impact on who
we become. If we don't have appropriate input during these
times, the systems can be impaired forever, and there are all
too many examples of abused and neglected children who are cut
off from interaction during crucial developmental windows and
will never develop normal language skills as a result. Less
tragically, it's what makes the differences between siblings and
even identical twins who carry the same genetic information.
New information also tells us that how and
when this brain tailoring occurs between the ages of 6 and 17 is
different for boys and girls. There are major differences in
when boys and girls prune and expand the connections in their
brains, and in which areas they tend, as well as in the numbers
of connections between the two halves of the brain in boys and
girls. The hormones that surge during puberty (testosterone in
boys, estrogen in girls) play a major role in these processes,
as they have very different effects on brain function. These
hormonal differences may be the reason for the different pace of
development in pubescent boys and girls.
Go to
Article
GUEST
ARTICLE...
by Glenn Sacks and
Jeffery M. Leving
Men Blamed for
Marriage Decline but Women's Relationship Wounds Often
Self-Inflicted...
The recent
census data finding that for the first time the majority of
American women are unmarried is being greeted in a largely
celebratory tone. One metro daily explains, "Who needs a man?
Not most women." MSNBC warns, "Watch out, men! More women opt to
live alone." CBS says, "More Women Saying 'I Don't.'" One
syndicated newspaper cartoon depicts a happily divorced woman
remembering her ex-husband bellowing, "Where's my dinner?! Iron
my shirts!! Lose weight!!!" Several others depict women
pondering the single life as their fat, lazy husbands drink beer
and watch the game. One female blogger summed up the female
blogosphere's reaction--"Hurray for all Single Women! You Go
Girls!"
This census finding is now in
question--apparently New York Times reporter Sam Roberts, whose
recent article created international headlines on marriage's
decline, exaggerated. Nevertheless, the message from the Times
and numerous other news outlets is clear--marriage is in decline
because men don't measure up, and are no longer needed nor often
even wanted. Since women have careers now, we are told, men's
traditional contribution--financial support--has become largely
irrelevant, and men do not now nor did they ever contribute much
more than that.
In reality, men give a lot to
their families--as much as women do. The current trend away from
marriage and towards divorce and/or remaining single has more to
do with overcritical women and their excessive expectations than
it does with unsuitable men.
The most common charge leveled at
men is that they don't hold up their end in the home. Men do
work, many critics say, but women work, too, and also do most of
the child care and housework--the "second shift."
Go to
Article
MEN'S WORKLIFE...
by
Marty Nemko
The Case Against
Work/Life Balance...
How dare
I assert that balance is overrated? After all, since the days of
Aristotle, the golden mean has been revered. Today's women's
movement deifies work/play balance. We ridicule people who work
60+ hours a week as "workaholics," people whose lives are out of
balance.
Yet I believe balance is overrated. Take, for example, the many
genetics researchers that choose to work 60+ hours a week. They
find that working those extra hours is more pleasurable and does
more good for society than if they had spent the hours on
recreation: watching TV, playing golf, etc. Shouldn’t such
researchers be honored or at least respected rather than dubbing
them “workaholics?”
But let's say your job is more routine--no superimpactful
genetics job. Can trading some of your recreation hours for work
hours truly benefit society? Absolutely.
Go to Article
COYOTE...
monthly column by Dick Prosapio
Reflections On a Road Not
Taken...
Now and
then, I find my thoughts wandering back to that fateful day I
chose one path over another and how, as one tick of a second
hand leads to another, that moment gave rise, ultimately, to
this one.
It's an entirely fruitless exercise of course,
just as pointless as wondering how much America and the World
would have been different if the election of 2000 had been
honest. But this last little venture I took down this road led
me to a bit more than the usual wondering about that other lost
love. First of all, the thing that led me back to that fateful
decision was something that I thought of as a kind of
"unfinished business." The decision involved who I should marry,
I had, at the time, two very distinct choices. On the one hand
was the woman I had met while far away from home while in the
Army. She came from an entirely different culture and background
than I did. She was lovely, exotic, and not quite "attainable".
I was very lonely and recently hurt by the loss of my second
"true love" who had dumped me two weeks after I left for basic
training.
It's important to note that she was my
"second" true love 'cause my First true love was the one who
stood at the cross roads all of a sudden. She was the
girl-of-my-dreams, Charlie Browns "little red headed girl" who
had been the object of my, unrequited, affections all the way
through grade and high schools. My "second" true love had been a
sort of substitute for her, though not a bad trade off at all.
I had courted this first love relentlessly,
and totally without success for about fifteen years.....and
suddenly the sequence of events unfolded in dizzying speed, I
had met the "exotic" woman, the one who could, theoretically,
save me from my depression and loneliness, and proposed to her.
She had accepted and our wedding plans were very much well
underway. I took a week to return home to fill all the family in
on the plans, and to assuage all the uproar over the fact that
she was not of our faith, ethnicity (this was important to them
back then) or life experience (we were city folk, she was a farm
girl, I graduated from high school, she was in college, etc.).
While at home, I called "first love" and she, unaccountable,
responded!
Go to Article
THE NEW
INTIMACY... monthly column by
Judith Sherven, Ph.D. and James
Sniechowski, Ph.D.
Free to be You in Love and
Romance...
Because we live
in a world that still rewards conformity while, at the same
time, stressing the need to strive for excellence, it's
important to understand that this schizophrenic, societal
underbelly sabotages most people's love life every day.
The dating scene is distorted, with preening, posturing, and
faking it by insecure people who don't yet realize their own,
one-of-d-kind value.
Marriages come apart when one or both people can't surrender and
relax into the beauty and joy of being truly loved.
So how do you develop the freedom to be exactly who you are,
each and every day, no need to prove yourself or suffer the
anxiety of never knowing your value?
Go to Article
JEFF'S LIFE... monthly
column by Jeff Stimpson
Quite an Enterprise...
Alex
and Ned will learn together for a while, side-by-side, until
that one grade when Ned surpasses Alex. "Ned will eventually be
more the big brother," a friend said recently, and the trend has
already begun with Ned calling some of Alex's video choices
"baby shows." "Is he gonna watch this when he's a grown-up?"
Ned demands to know.
Every now and then, however, a show comes
along you watch as a kid and as an adult. At seven one morning
Ned says to me, "Hey dad, 'Star Trek' is on!" My first thought
is not delight in having Kirk and the old crew back on my set
where they belong, but wonderment at what in hell it's doing on
at seven in the morning when TV Land clogs its airwaves every
evening with "Little House on the Prairie" and "The Andy
Griffith Show." And not the ones with Don Knotts.
"Hey," Ned says, "that's the ship we built!"
Dad does not give you bum gifts, Ned. He was
referring to the snap-together model kit I gave him during the
Christmas/Hanukkah/Ned's Birthday Blizzard of last month. The
prize present, the kit that to build with my son would
consummate my fatherhood: the Klingon battlecruiser. First one I
passed to Ned on Christmas morning.
He unwrapped the box and said, "Dad, it's
great! I love it! What is it?"
Go to Article
DADS, DON'T FIX YOUR KIDS...
monthly column by
Mark Brandenburg,
M.A
Top Ten Ways to Raise Emotionally Intelligent
Kids...
Having a high level of emotional intelligence in your children is
the best way to ensure that they live a happy, successful, and
responsible life as an adult. Here are ten ways to help your kids
attain a high degree of emotional intelligence:
1. Model emotional intelligence yourself
Yes, your kids are watching very closely. They see how you respond
to frustration, they see how resilient you are, and they see whether
you’re aware of your own feelings and the feelings of others.
2. Be willing to say “no” to your kids
There’s a lot of stuff out there for kids. And your kids will ask
for a lot of it. Saying no will give your kids an opportunity to
deal with disappointment and to learn impulse control. To a certain
degree, your job as a parent is to allow your kids to be frustrated
and to work through it. Kids who always get what they want typically
aren’t very happy.
3. Be aware of your parental “hotspots”
Know what your issues are—what makes you come unglued and what’s
this really about? Is it not being in control? Not being respected?
Underneath these issues lies a fear about something. Get to know
what your fear is so you’re less likely to come unglued when you’re
with your kids. Knowing your issues doesn’t make them go away, it
just makes it easier to plan for and to deal with.
Go to Article
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Men's Book Reviews by J. Steven Svoboda |
LATEST
REVIEWS
REVIEW:
See Jane
Hit: Why Girls are Growing More Violent and What We Can Do About
it
By James Garbarino, Ph.D. ©2006
Seven
years after writing “Lost
Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them,”
James Garbarino, Ph.D., professor of humanistic psychology at
Loyola University Chicago, has published what could roughly
speaking be described as a companion volume, “See Jane Hit: Why
Girls are Growing More Violent and What We Can Do About It.”
Garbarino writes well, and his book addresses a topic that has
drawn significant interest in recent years, having been
addressed in at least four other recent volumes. “See Jane Hit”
is interesting reading for gender activists, since Garbarino
writes from a more mainstream perspective that uncritically
accepts some anti-male falsehoods, yet at the same time is a
generally thoughtful and fair-minded commentator.
READ FULL REVIEW
PURCHASE
REVIEW:
Straight Talk for Men about Marriage:
What Men Need to Know About Marriage (And What Women Need to Know
About Men)
By Martin G. Friedman ©2006
The author has put together an appealingly presented, male-friendly
guide to improving the quality of our marriages. As Friedman is the
first to point out, this isn’t exactly rocket science. We need to
learn to do the basics. A marriage is a path to learning about
ourselves. Projecting our discontent onto our spouse doesn’t do
either of us any favors.
READ FULL REVIEW
PURCHASE
REVIEW:
Self-Made Man:
One Woman’s Journey into Manhood and Back Again
By Norah Vincent
Norah Vincent has produced a new
book whose simple underlying concept nevertheless seems to possess
all the potential power of, say, John Howard Griffin’s classic Black Like Me, in which the Caucasian author masqueraded as a
black man and was astonished at the depths of the discrimination and
barriers he discovered. Author Vincent tries to do the same thing
for gender, dressing in drag as “Ned” and entering various supposed
male bastions to report on what she discovers.
READ FULL REVIEW
PURCHASE
REVIEW:
The Smart Couple’s Guide to the
Wedding of Your Dreams:
Planning Together for Less Stress and More Joy
By
By Judith
Sherven and James Sniechowski
Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski, husband-and-wife psychologists
and authors of three books previously reviewed by me in these pages
(The New Intimacy, Opening to Love 365 Days a Year, and Be
Loved for Who You Really Are) have just published a new book on
their favorite topic, love and marriage. In a literal sense, The
Smart Couple’s Guide to the Wedding of Your Dreams covers a
narrower subject than any of their three previous books. But
actually, predictably enough given the authors’ excellent writing
skills and tireless, creative devotion to promoting passion, their
latest offering manages to transcend the limits of the genre of
wedding guides. Not seeing a book that went beyond the
technicalities of wedding planning and touched the spirit of the
event, they took the plunge and wrote it!
READ FULL REVIEW
PURCHASE
REVIEW:
Partnering: A
New Kind of Relationship
By Hal Stone and Sidra Stone
© 2006
Hal and Sidra Stone are, like Judith Sherven and James Sniechowski
(whose latest book is reviewed elsewhere in this issue) a
husband-and-wife psychologist team who have written a number of
books and who travel the world giving workshops on their techniques
for improving one’s life and relationships. Partnering does
not represent a stunning advance on the authors’ previous work but
it does expand, in the specific context of relationships, on the
work they have helped pioneer in exploring the multiple selves each
of us contains through the voice dialogue technique.
READ FULL REVIEW
PURCHASE
REVIEW:
The Prodigal Father: A True Story of Tragedy, Survival, and
Reconciliation in an American Family.
By Jon DuPre.
Jon DuPre’s achievement with “The Prodigal Father” is stupefying.
What this correspondent for Fox Network News has done is so simple:
He has told the story of his family of origin, consisting of two
brothers, himself, and his mother and father. As a novel, the book
would fail. For one thing, the plot would be utterly unbelievable!
But “The Prodigal Father” is billed as an “autobiography,” and
written with loving detail and self-revelation so honest and so deep
that took my breath away. As such, it is utterly compelling and
simultaneously completely credible.
READ FULL REVIEW
PURCHASE
REVIEW:
Gendercide and Genocide
Edited by Adam Jones
© 2006
Apart from the rarest exceptions (such as the not-to-be-missed “Female
‘Circumcision’ in Africa: Culture, Controversy, and Change,” Edited
by Bettina Shell-Duncan and Ylva Hernlund), edited volumes tend to
be hit-and-miss affairs. It’s hard enough simply to find an
appropriate topic, to accumulate contributions that are varied
enough to provide interest but not so different that they work at
cross-purposes, and to publish the work. Maintaining a razor-like
focus as can easily be done with an individually authored book by
definition becomes almost impossible with an edited volume.
READ FULL REVIEW
PURCHASE
Archive of All Reviews & Interviews...
by J. Steven Svoboda.
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is another free service of The Men's Resource Network, Inc. (MRN).
It has grown out of the response that we have received from articles
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