Politically Incorrect Domestic
Violence
by
Kathleen Parker
©2008
The words "domestic violence" typically invite
images of bruised women and children -- and male perpetrators.
But the real picture of domestic violence isn't so
clear-cut. And the solution to family violence is far more complex
than our current criminal justice approach can handle.
For about 30 years now, we've been throwing money
and punishment at domestic violence with not enough to show for it.
Estimates are that more than 32 million Americans are affected by
domestic violence each year, with many of those in need of help
never reporting their abuse.
These are among the important findings of Linda
Mills -- attorney, social worker, survivor of a violent
relationship, as well as professor and senior vice provost at New
York University -- whose new book, "Violent Partners," tackles the
myths of domestic violence and suggests new ways of dealing with the
problem.
One of the primary myths -- and the one that meets
with the most resistance -- is that only men are violent. As I point
out in my own book, "Save the Males," women and children indeed
suffer the worst injuries and more often die as a result of those
injuries. But women initiate violence as often as men.
Ignoring or downplaying that fact both obscures
the real problem of intimate violence and makes solutions less
likely. Yet even people who know better are afraid of speaking up
lest they be accused of undermining feminist efforts to help women
and children in danger.
Feminism deserves credit for putting domestic
violence on the radar back when what happened in a "man's castle"
was considered no one else's business. But we now know a great deal
more about what happens behind closed doors, and progressive
feminists such as Mills are trying to open America's mind to new
ideas and innovative approaches.
According to Mills, studies now confirm that women
initiate violence in 24 percent of cases in which the husbands don't
fight back, while men initiate violence in 27 percent of cases in
which women don't fight back. In the other 49 percent of cases, both
partners actively participate in the violence.
What this tells us is that violent partners
frequently have a relationship problem that is never addressed under
our system of arrest-and-punish. Moreover, says Mills, a majority of
families with violence issues don't want to shatter the family, as
our criminal system often encourages. They just want the violence to
stop.
Yet many states have a "must-arrest" policy if a
call to police is made. Many also take a "primary aggressor"
approach in determining who should be arrested. Even if the man
calls the police, says Mills, he's often the one hauled off and
charged, based on the assumption that he, the physically stronger,
is more dangerous.
Consequently, the underlying problem of violence
isn't addressed and people needing help won't call police for fear
of the draconian measures likely to follow. In fact, according to
Mills, 75 percent of women and 86 percent of men don't call the
police when their partner is violent.
The solution to domestic violence, says Mills,
begins with recognizing it as a cyclical, intergenerational family
problem that usually begins in childhood. Mills provides some
devastating statistics to highlight how early this cycle begins and
how hard it is to break the trend once begun: 35 percent of parents
hit their infants when they believe they're misbehaving; 94 percent
of parents spank their 3- to 4-year-olds for the same reason.
Research shows that children raised by violence
are more likely to become violent or be the victim of violence in
their own adult relationships -- and so it goes from one generation
to the next.
Allowing exceptions for the most violent abusers,
Mills proposes a broad, systemic approach to domestic violence that
includes counseling and at least the option of restorative, rather
than punitive, justice. The current approach to "treatment" usually
consists of sending men to classes on how to be less sexist.
Mills is testing an alternative program in
Nogales, Ariz., that brings the whole family together to learn how
the cycle of abuse works within families. Without blaming the
victim, Mills insists that everyone has to take responsibility for
his or her role in the dynamic that leads to violence.
It is brave of Mills to invite these challenges.
But if we're really serious about reducing domestic violence, we
have to recognize that demonizing men isn't the answer and that
sexism isn't the only question.
It's at least time for a new conversation.
Kathleen
Parker can be reached at kparker@orlandosentinel.com or 407-420-5202.
